How to Write and Deliver a Eulogy
Learn eight steps to help you create a special tribute to your loved one.
Lisa B. Marshall
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How to Write and Deliver a Eulogy
Today’s topic from a reader:
Lisa, I’d love to hear your thoughts and suggestions on writing and delivering a eulogy.
How to Write and Deliver a Eulogy
Although it’s an honor to write and deliver a eulogy, it can also be a daunting task. If you’re like most people, you might feel some stress and anxiety. Some people worry they won’t be able properly honor the deceased, or sum up the entire life of someone in just a few minutes. Some worry they’ll become emotional and won’t be able to get the words out.
So today, I’ll cover eight quick and dirty steps to help you to write and deliver a eulogy. By the way, even if you don’t ever write a eulogy for someone else, you might want to consider using this episode to write your own eulogy. Yep, I did say write your own eulogy. So why would I suggest that? Well, either to create exactly the right mood at your own funeral or as a self-development exercise to help you create a vision for your life (you might be surprised at what you discover about yourself).
Of course, typically a eulogy is delivered during a funeral ceremony to honor and celebrate the life of someone close to you. Your main goal is to provide comfort and closure by sharing why the person was well-loved and will be missed. Usually it’s very short (two to five minutes).
Step One: Gather Memories
I view a eulogy as a special gift for those left behind. It’s often the beginning of the healing process. Remembering all the good things about someone helps to lighten a heavy heart. It can also help to keep everyone (including you) focused on what was gained (and not what was lost).
It’s important to talk to friends, significant others, kids, and parents–all the important people in the life of the deceased. You’ll want to hear and enjoy the stories they have to share. Even if you don’t include them in the eulogy, think of these shared memories as gifts that will help you to cope with your grief. So spend as much time as you can on this step.
Step Two: Relax; Don’t Worry
Unfortunately, you aren’t going to have enough time to include all of the stories. So choose the memories you think are best by listening to your heart. In fact, many people find the words just flow out of them when they aren’t worried about what they are “supposed” to write. Trust that whatever you share will be appreciated. Trust that the words you choose will be the right words. The key is to relax. And as I’ve mentioned in previous episodes, I suggest diaphragmatic breathing and visualization to help you relax.
Step Three: Choose a Theme
Sometimes it helps to pick a general theme and focus on that. Maybe you’ll decide to praise accomplishments and achievements. Maybe you’ll choose to talk about work and family, describe a few positive character traits, or explain how this person influenced or made a difference in your life. Some people prefer to simply share favorite music, scripture, or poems. This may be obvious, but this is not the time or place to share any negativity.
Step Four: Organize the Middle
Once you’ve decided on your theme, you’ll need to organize the main body of the speech. I think it’s easiest to follow the rule of three; you might remember that this rule suggests things presented in threes are more satisfying and easier to digest. Talk about three accomplishments, three achievements, three stories about work and family, three character traits, your three favorite memories, or three poems. However, if you feel like the stories and experiences you gathered are better broken into two, four or five parts, that’s OK too.
For each main section, just be sure to give examples or stories that illustrate your point. The main idea is to share your own stories or some of the stories you heard from others. By the way, it’s OK to share both serious and humorous stories because the eulogy is a celebration of a life well-lived.
(Listen to episode to hear Lisa tell a bonus humorous story).
Step Five: Organize the Beginning and End
Once you know your main points and the supporting stories, the next step is to create the beginning and the end. You’ll want to start your speech by saying who you are. “Good afternoon, I’m Lisa Marshall, one of Paul’s daughters.” You might also want to thank the people who are gathered and let them know that simply by being there they are providing comfort and support. Finally, the introduction should introduce your theme. “I’d like to share with you three lessons that my grandfather taught me.”
Like any speech, the end of your eulogy should summarize the main ideas that you talked about. Very briefly repeat the main ideas using different words. Then close with something memorable. Perhaps by reciting a favorite poem or piece of music, by talking directly to the deceased: “Chuck, may you always dance in heaven,” or by asking the guests to share a hug or a memory with those sitting nearby.
Step Six: Review and Practice
Once you’ve got a draft of the speech, you might want to show it to another person and ask for suggestions. If you have time, let it sit for a day or two and then return back to it to make any final revisions. This is one speech you really want to practice delivering aloud. For sure, you’ll want to rehearse the parts that you might find emotionally difficult to deliver several times.
Print the speech in large type so that you can easily see it without glasses and possibly through tears. Keep in mind, that what’s important is for you share your feelings and thoughts not that you’re a perfect public speaker.
Step Seven: Take Your Time with the Delivery
It’s normal to become overwhelmed by emotions. And there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s OK to take a break to sip water or to breathe deeply when you need to. If you think you might not make it through, ask someone to be ready as your back-up. Or ask someone else to read it for you altogether (that’s what I did for my late husband John).
Finally, when you choose your words remember to consider the theme. For most eulogies an informal, conversational tone is the way to go, however, at times a eulogy calls for loftier, more formal language.
Step Eight: Share and Commemorate
Remember to print and share copies of the eulogy with those who are grieving. The ability to read your words again and again will help to provide comfort whenever it’s needed for many years to come. And that is an incredibly special gift.
For additional tips please see my episode about What to Say When Someone Dies.
This is The Public Speaker, Lisa B. Marshall. Passionate about communication, your success is my business. This episode is dedicated to the memory of Chuck Stevens. I’ll miss hearing him sing, I miss his easy smile, and most of all I’ll miss hearing him tease his little Sicilian.
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If you have a question, send email to publicspeaker@quickanddirtytips.comcreate new email. For information about keynote speeches or workshops, visit lisabmarshall.com.
Resources
Free Example Eulogies (Mom, Aunt, Father, etc.)
Funeral Etiquette
Sympathy Card Messages (What and What Not to Write)
Eulogy image courtesy of Shutterstock
About the Author
Lisa B. Marshall Lisa holds masters with duel degrees in interpersonal/intercultural communication and organizational communication. She’s the author of Smart Talk: The Public Speaker’s Guide to Success in Every Situation, as well as Ace Your Interview, Powerful Presenter, and Expert Presenter. Her work has been featured in CBS Money Watch, Ragan.com, Woman’s Day, Glamour, Cosmopolitan, and many others. Her institutional clients include Johns Hopkins Medicine, Harvard University, NY Academy of Science, University of Pennsylvania, Genentech, and Roche.