Sometimes I Just Want to Be Alone
Everyone needs a room of one’s own, some more often than others. In Part 1 of this series, Savvy Psychologist Dr. Ellen Hendriksen explores some common—and not so common—variations on the state of seclusion.
“I need some time alone.”
There are a thousand reasons to utter this phrase. Time alone may mean basking in the peace of a silenced phone and a stack of books after a non-stop workweek. It may mean time to write, compose, code, tinker, or otherwise revel in creative solitude. Or, the request may be yelled by a sullen teenager through a slammed door. Or it may be your rationalization to avoid potential social awkwardness.
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Time spent in solitude exists on a spectrum. Some people can entertain themselves for days on end, while others prefer constant companionship. What’s healthy and best for your life is ultimately up to you. Here are some common variations on solitude:
Solitude Type #1: Introversion
Sandy is a graphic designer. Her best ideas come when she’s alone in her cozy office or working solo in a café with her laptop and the comforting buzz of strangers. She has a close circle of friends and loves to hang out one-on-one over dinner or a glass of wine. She’s never been a fan of parties or work conferences, but she can muster the motivation to go a few times a year, and usually comes home exhausted but glad she went. Occasionally she’ll go a whole weekend without seeing anyone, but she revels in her freedom, tries out new recipes, or curls up with stacks of magazines. After a weekend alone, she comes back to work on Monday recharged and with a clear head.
It is a great time to be an introvert like Sandy. Introversion, at long last, is enjoying its glory days. It is even, dare I say, trendy. In an increasingly frenetic, team-based, social network-saturated world, the state of working and playing alone has gained value and respect, perhaps precisely because it is increasingly rare.
Roughly half of Americans are introverts. Introverts, true to the word, have a rich internal life. They are happiest absorbed in a novel, writing code to create the next Facebook, or working in the garden with sunshine and butterflies as company. They are attentive listeners. They look before they leap. Susan Cain, bestselling author and introvert advocate, writes, “There’s a word for ‘people who are in their heads too much’: thinkers.”
Introverts do enjoy social interaction, but usually prefer one-on-one conversations or the intimacy of a small group rather than a bar full of strangers or a raucous house party. Many introverts report having to be “on” while socializing, which may be taxing but ultimately satisfying. Introverts gain energy by being alone, while extroverts gain energy by being with others.
Solitude Type #2: Taking Off the Mask
Megan is a sales rep. She puts on her game face at work and knows how to work a room, all smiles and handshakes. She is a leader on her team and prides herself in being a role model for her younger colleagues. A master at how to read any customer, she tailors her conversation and actions to close the deal. She is exhausted at the end of the day, her face hurts from smiling, and she craves being alone so she can finally be herself and let down her guard.
Like Megan, many people present themselves to the world with a certain image. The “social self” is, in short, the self you show the world. Projecting it allows you to identify with a group. The social self can create a sense of belonging and appropriateness, but cast too far from the true self, can simply be exhausting. It is one thing to behave in a professional manner, but another to project a different persona.
Solitude Type #3: Social Anxiety
Marcus is a junior in college. He’s majoring in history and is starting to take upper-level seminars, but is getting dinged on participation because he’s too nervous to contribute in class. He hates the sensation of all eyes at the table turning on him, plus by the time he’s worked up the nerve to speak, the topic has usually changed.
At mealtimes, he’ll wait to eat with his roommates, even if he’s starving, so no one will think he’s a loser for eating by himself. In the dining hall, he worries he’ll spill something or trip, and that everyone will laugh at him. Yesterday, Marcus spotted an acquaintance walking his way. He felt nervous about striking up a conversation, so he changed directions, walking the long way around a building just to avoid his friend. On Friday and Saturday nights, Marcus retreats to a library carrel or locks himself in a music practice room to avoid going to parties. He feels weak and stupid for being so nervous and wishes he could be as laid back as everyone else seems to be.
Social anxiety is a fear of social or performance situations in which embarrassment, judgment, criticism, or rejection is perceived to be a danger. “Performance” doesn’t just mean karaoke or public speaking, but also things like raising a hand in class, speaking up during a meeting, eating where someone might see you, or signing a check while the teller watches. Asking questions, like when shopping in a store, can also be challenging. Individuals with social anxiety don’t generally like to feel “seen,” because they worry others will judge them.
We all have awkward social moments, but social anxiety, which affects 3-13% of Americans, becomes a diagnosable disorder when it causes inordinate distress, is persistent, and derails one’s life through all the time and energy spent in avoidance. Avoidance may include things like hiding in the bathroom, going the long way around to avoid interacting, only shopping or working out at odd hours when stores and gyms are empty, or avoiding social or professional gatherings due to anxiety.
Finally, social anxiety can be inconsistent depending on the audience. For instance, around strangers, individuals with social anxiety often feel they have nothing to say or don’t know what to say. However, with people they know well, like immediate family or close friends, they feel comfortable and able to contribute.
Solitude Type #4: The Trauma Paradox
Twenty-five year-old Jessica had a tough childhood. She grew up with largely absent parents who were either working long hours or, when home, were checked out drinking. Her older male cousins lived with the family for a few years and, taking advantage of the unsupervised environment, would make her do degrading things she didn’t want to do. They told her if she told anyone, they would hurt her, so she kept quiet. Today, among other difficulties, Jessica hates to be left alone and can’t sleep when she’s by herself. At the same time, she feels panicky when she has to be with strangers. She avoids being with unknown men at all costs, especially in elevators, subways, or other enclosed spaces. She both wants to be by herself and hates being by herself.
Individuals who have been abused, humiliated, or betrayed by others often want to be alone because they believe, from experience, that the world is dangerous or that people can’t be trusted. Yet at the same time and for the same reasons, they are afraid to be left alone. This is a common response to trauma and a sign of post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD. If this sounds familiar, seek assistance from a qualified therapist you like and trust, especially if you also find yourself avoiding people, places, or experiences that remind you of what happened, or you feel anxious, jumpy, and on edge all the time.
Solitude Type #5: Schizoid Personality Disorder
Michael is a 42-year-old security guard who works the graveyard shift. He has always been a loner, has no friends, and has never had sex or a relationship, but he doesn’t care one way or another. When he’s not sleeping or at work, he’ll watch TV or go for walks by himself. At work, the friendly cleaning lady will sometimes come by his station to chat, but he largely ignores her and doesn’t miss her on the nights she skips his station. His parents, who live 20 minutes away but whom he hasn’t seen in months, left a voicemail a few nights ago saying they missed him, imploring him to come home for Thanksgiving. The message was long, so he deleted it.
Schizoid personality disorder (SPD) is rare, affecting less than 1% of the population, most often never-married men. Despite the similar name, schizoid personality disorder shouldn’t be confused with the serious illness of schizophrenia. Instead, SPD is a disorder where individuals neither want nor like close relationships. They often don’t care about being part of a family. They may not seek out sex, and even if they have sex initiated by someone else, it doesn’t seem to matter. Seemingly cold, apathetic, and aloof, neither criticism nor praise touches them, and they don’t really enjoy anything. These are the true loners, whose behavior causes others more distress than it causes them.
Of course, there are always temporary reasons to want to be alone—you’ve had it up to your eyeballs with bickering family, you’re burned out and look forward to some “me time,” or you want to process some problem or negative emotion without an audience for awhile.
Everyone powers down sometimes, but if being alone turns into a recurrent escape, it might signal pain or avoidance. What to do? Read on to find out in Sometimes I Just Want To Be Alone—Is That Normal? (Part 2).
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References
American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). Arlington, VA: American Psychiatric Publishing.
Samuels, J., Eaton, W. W., Joseph Bienvenu, O., Brown, C. H., Costa Jr, P. T., & Nestadt, G. (2002). Prevalence and correlates of personality disorders in a community sample. British Journal of Psychiatry, 180, 536-542.
Disclaimer: All content is strictly for informational purposes only. This content does not substitute any medical advice, and does not replace any medical judgment or reasoning by your personal health provider. Please always seek a licensed physician in your area regarding all health related questions.
Woman alone image courtesy of Shutterstock.
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About the Author
Dr. Ellen Hendriksen was the host of the Savvy Psychologist podcast from 2014 to 2019. She is a clinical psychologist at Boston University’s Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders (CARD). She earned her Ph.D. at UCLA and completed her training at Harvard Medical School. Her scientifically-based, zero-judgment approach is regularly featured in Psychology Today, Scientific American, The Huffington Post, and many other media outlets. Her debut book, HOW TO BE YOURSELF: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety, was published in March 2018.
