5 Reasons to Talk About Trauma
Trauma, once thought to be a rare occurrence, is actually quite common. From feeling less alone to getting support to making meaning, talking about trauma can help you make sense of your experience. The Savvy Psychologist Dr. Ellen Hendriksen explains.
Too often, we don’t talk about the worst things that have happened to us. It’s too humiliating, we’re too scared, we think we’ll break down and never recover, or we think we’re the only ones who went through it and no one would understand.
Trauma isn’t neat and tidy—there are no nice, neat traumatic packages wrapped up with a bow. Instead, it’s messy and confusing. We may want to talk about it, but we don’t know what to say or how to say it.
To make matters worse, when the natural healing process gets stuck, the result is PTSD. The heart of PTSD is avoidance—turning away from anything that reminds us of the trauma, and that includes talking about it. A vicious cycle ensues.
Trauma often occurs person-to-person—assault, rape, crime, violence, atrocities of war, mass shootings. And even traumas that aren’t strictly interpersonal, like natural disasters or medical emergencies, unfold in a social context. How others react to your trauma can chart your course toward recovery or struggle. For example, getting an initial response of blame, criticism, or denial rather than belief and support builds a big speed bump on the road to recovery.
When the natural healing process gets stuck, the result is PTSD. The heart of PTSD is avoidance—turning away from anything that reminds us of the trauma.
But the other side of the coin is true, too. Just as trauma happens person-to-person, much of the healing also happens person-to-person, through acts as simple as talking.
Of course, everyone deals with trauma differently. Far be it from me to judge how someone copes; venting, complaining, or ruminating, for example, may be necessary at times. But some ways of talking about trauma can supercharge recovery, bringing relief faster.
Even though it’s hard, there are a million reasons to talk about trauma. Whether with one heart-to-heart conversation or many ongoing discussions over time, this week, here are 5 reasons to talk about trauma:
Reason #1: To Get Support
Scroll through the news and you’ll get an instant primer on trauma in all its forms—war-related violence, sexual assault, child abuse, domestic violence, near-death experiences, school shootings, natural disasters. Think of it as the worst collection of 31 flavors ever.
Trauma was once thought to be rare. Indeed, just a couple of decades ago, even mental health professionals defined trauma as an event “outside the range of usual human experience.”
But that was before a landmark 1995 study found that 61% of American men and 51% of American women had experienced at least one trauma. The study turned on its head the notion that human traumas are few and far between. Instead, we might even say it’s the norm. While that might be true, trauma still isn’t something most people feel comfortable advertising.
Therefore, a solution for many people is a survivors’ group. Survivors’ groups can be some of the best ways to find understanding and empathy. If you’re simultaneously in recovery from substance abuse, groups like AA and NA are brimming with fellow trauma survivors.
But support doesn’t have to come from an organized group—it can come from family, friends, a hotline volunteer, or a mental health professional. But there’s something about a group of people who have been through a similar experience that can feel like the freshest of air.
As Dr. Judith Herman, distinguished psychiatrist and author of the landmark book Trauma and Recovery,writes: “Trauma isolates; the group re-creates a sense of belonging. Trauma shames and stigmatizes; the group bears witness and affirms. Trauma degrades the victim; the group restores her humanity.”
Call it validation, understanding, being seen, or empathy. But whatever it is, talking with someone (or many someones) who gets it slices away the cobwebs of isolation.
Reason #2: To Make Sense of What Happened
To “process” a trauma essentially means to make sense of it. Trauma doesn’t make sense. It’s a jumble of emotions and physical reactions and questioning yourself. It’s unspeakable—more of a roar than words.
Therefore, turning the unspeakable into language is necessary to make sense of trauma. Talking to your therapist, trusted friends or family, or, interestingly, your journal is a great place to start and continue your processing. Indeed, “talking” doesn’t necessarily mean speaking out loud. Sometimes having your pen do the talking is the most powerful way to harness your voice.
Reason #3: To Realize That You Are More Than Your Trauma
Sometimes, a trauma becomes the defining event in one’s life. There’s life before the assault, the accident, or the war, and then there’s an entirely different life after. Psychologists call the degree to which people define themselves by their trauma event centrality.
An interesting study out of UNC-Charlotte found that centrality of a trauma can be both a bad sign and a good sign. It’s a bad sign when the trauma overwhelms your identity—just as sometimes people with chronic illnesses become “professional patients,” some trauma survivors’ lives are defined solely by their trauma.
But centrality can be a good sign when survivors integrate the event into their identity. It becomes part of who they are. It made them who they are today. The trauma is central to their lives, but they’ve become a victor rather than a victim.
Reason #4: To Get a Reality Check
Trauma turns our understanding of the world upside down. We think it’s our fault. We think no one can ever be trusted again. We think if anyone gets to know the real us, we’ll be abandoned faster than a house built on the San Andreas fault.
But talking about trauma can lay bare these mistaken beliefs. In particular, talking with a therapist about how a trauma has changed your worldview can shine a bright light on your assumptions and force you to question them, as in, “Wait, maybe it was my rapist’s fault I got raped, not mine,” or “Wait, maybe getting help doesn’t mean I’m weak,” or “Wait, just because it happened once doesn’t mean it will happen every time.”
Reason #5: To Make Meaning
Like an oyster makes a pearl out of a painful grain of sand, a trauma survivor may make something more meaningful out of trauma. A study in the journal Psycho-Oncology examined 253 women with breast cancer and found, counterintuitively, that those who experienced more cancer-related stress and anxiety at diagnosis were more likely to have grown from the experience six months later.
Like an oyster makes a pearl out of a painful grain of sand, a trauma survivor may make something more meaningful out of trauma.
Why? Trauma sets in motion forced introspection more than mere annoyances or irritations. People work hard to make sense of it, to figure out what it all means, and to re-evaluate what’s important to them. Often, trauma sharpens their sense of purpose, reminds them to focus on their family or community, or it sets them on a mission to give back, appreciate life, or realize their own strength and resilience.
To wrap things up, think and talk about trauma at your own pace. Studies on the technique of debriefing—or assisting people in processing their emotions just a few days after a potentially traumatic experience—have shown to be at best neutral and at worst may even lead to a greater chance of PTSD.
So just like any long journey, proceed at your own pace and don’t try to go it alone. It may feel like there are a million reasons to stand still and keep silent, but there are millions more to speak the unspeakable and move forward.
Man experiencing trauma image courtesy of Shutterstock.
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About the Author
Dr. Ellen Hendriksen was the host of the Savvy Psychologist podcast from 2014 to 2019. She is a clinical psychologist at Boston University’s Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders (CARD). She earned her Ph.D. at UCLA and completed her training at Harvard Medical School. Her scientifically-based, zero-judgment approach is regularly featured in Psychology Today, Scientific American, The Huffington Post, and many other media outlets. Her debut book, HOW TO BE YOURSELF: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety, was published in March 2018.
