5 Ways to Practice Self-Compassion
Self-criticism can be a healthy motivator or an opportunity for learning. But too often we go overboard, lashing ourselves with insults and magnifying our faults. How to rebalance? Enter self-compassion: rather than judging yourself when things go wrong, you comfort and care for yourself. This week on the podcast, Dr. Ellen Hendriksen, aka the Savvy Psychologist, offers 5 ways to practice self-compassion.
Self compassion is being kind and patient with yourself when—inevitably—you fall short of perfection. Intellectually, we know everyone makes mistakes, but somehow when that someone is us, we get a lot less sympathetic. But judging ourselves harshly not only makes us feel terrible, it doesn’t improve the situation at all.
So this week, let’s do away with unhelpful judgment—just like massaging a knot out of muscle, here are 5 ways to use self-compassion to gently rub judgment out of your life.
Tip #1: Focus on what you needed at the time, not what you did. Take yourself back to a point in your life of which you’re not particularly proud: that loser you dated, those words you said in anger, the friend you flaked out on when she really needed you.
Usually, what comes to mind is judgment. Maybe you cringe, or roll your eyes at yourself. “Ugh, what was I thinking?” “Nice work.” “You blew it again.”
So, try this instead: when you’re hit with regret, think of what need you were trying to fulfill at the time. With dating the aforementioned loser, maybe you needed love or connection. Thinking to yourself, “Well, I needed to feel loved” is much easier to swallow than, “Ugh, I was such a fool!”
In another example, think of the last time you yelled at your kids (which never happens, of course). Rather than thinking “I’m a terrible parent,” think about what you needed at the time. Peace, sanity, control? Should you have yelled? Probably not. But given your need, does it kinda make sense why you did? Of course. Pinpointing your need isn’t a get out of jail free card, but it allows for understanding, which leads to self-compassion.
In sum, focusing on what need you were trying to fulfill takes away the judgment and allows for compassion. You understand why you did what you did, even if in hindsight, you’d do it differently. To err, and to need, is human. Which brings us to…
Tip #2: Remember you are human. Dr. Kristin Neff, the field’s foremost researcher on self-compassion, often speaks of a common humanity. Essentially, screwing up, doing stupid things, and feeling inadequate are all parts of the human experience.
In the best possible way, you are not special. Everyone has his or her hot button. Everyone has issues. Truly knowing this relieves the shameful isolation of thinking it’s just you.
When you know that insecurities, failures, and screwups are unavoidable simply because they’re part of the human condition, you start to take them in stride.
Tip #3: Treat yourself like a good friend. We say things to ourselves we wouldn’t dare say to anyone else: “Good one.” “You idiot.” “How could I be so stupid?” “What’s wrong with me?” None of these are motivating; all of them are soul-sucking.
So, let go of the double standard. Instead of flogging yourself with insults when things don’t go your way, treat yourself as you would treat a good friend after a bad day: with gentle concern, some reassurance, and maybe even a little pep talk.
Tip #4: Make healthy choices. Part of taking care of yourself is making healthy choices. Self-compassion isn’t the same as indulgence or selfishness. For instance, self-compassion isn’t splurging on jewelry you can’t afford “because I deserve it” or dumping work on your colleagues “because I need some me-time.”
In addition, self-compassion includes being good to your body. Choosing to eat well, get enough rest, and allow time for exercise are all self-compassionate. Binging on cookie dough ice cream after a bad day? Not so much, though it happens to the best of us and you can practice self-compassion next time you find yourself with brain freeze and an empty container.
Tip #5: Be good to others. Letting up on your judgment of others will help you lighten up on judging yourself. Call it open-mindedness, tolerance, or just plain old courtesy–being compassionate to others will give you great practice in being compassionate to yourself.
A great guiding question is, “Are they hurting anyone?” If no one is physically or emotionally suffering, then live and let live. So even though your neighbor takes her cat for walks in a stroller, your brother still collects Pokemon cards, and your teenager colors his hair green right before school picture day, when held to the standard of, “Are they hurting anyone?” the answer will lower your judgment (and your blood pressure).
To wrap up, it goes both ways. When you stop crushing yourself under the heel of harsh criticism, you’ll have more reserves to offer others. So build a virtuous circle: be kind to yourself and you’ll find yourself able to be kind to others, who in turn will be kind to you. With self-compassion, everyone wins.
Image courtesy of Shutterstock.
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About the Author
Dr. Ellen Hendriksen was the host of the Savvy Psychologist podcast from 2014 to 2019. She is a clinical psychologist at Boston University’s Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders (CARD). She earned her Ph.D. at UCLA and completed her training at Harvard Medical School. Her scientifically-based, zero-judgment approach is regularly featured in Psychology Today, Scientific American, The Huffington Post, and many other media outlets. Her debut book, HOW TO BE YOURSELF: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety, was published in March 2018.
