Adulting Tips: 5 Psychological Secrets
Whether your graduation is coming up or twenty years behind you, we all have moments when we wonder whether we’re cut out for this adulthood thing. Savvy Psychologist Dr. Ellen Hendriksen reveals the psychology behind her top five adulting tips.
Ellen Hendriksen, PhD
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Adulting Tips: 5 Psychological Secrets
Do you take odd pride in knowing how to clean the dishwasher filter? Do you tell your friends in a conspiratorial whisper about the miracle of compound interest? Does going to bed at 9:30 give you a high? If so, congrats: you’re adulting. But beyond the practical, there’s a psychology to managing your adult life.
Adulting, which the Oxford English Dictionary shortlisted for Word of the Year in 2016 (along with alt-right, hygge,woke,and post-truth) is behaving in a manner consistent with responsible adulthood.
Adulting can be about the little things, like cleaning snow off your windshield with an actual snow brush rather than your flailing, late-to-work arms. It could mean making a dentist appointment without your mother reminding you. But it can also be about the big things: figuring out your values, learning how to take care of yourself, and taking responsibility for your life rather than blaming traffic, your little brother, or Jack Daniels.
Much of adulting consists of working against human nature. We humans tend to focus on whatever shiny thing is directly in front of us, so adulting often means taking the long view: saving for retirement, doing cardio, taking your vitamins. But as the name implies, it’s also simply the process of growing up: adulting occurs as you trade dependence for independence and self-centeredness for community.
Adulting occurs as you trade dependence for independence and self-centeredness for community.
Over the years, out of all the college seniors I’ve worked with in treatment, 100% have freaked out about graduation in one way or another. It’s normal. For example, one woman obsessively read personal finance books to cope with her anxiety about supporting herself. Another, after triumphantly turning in her thesis, fell into a deep slump. Another questioned the decades that lay before him in an existential way. He wondered: “What’s the point of the next sixty years?”
While I can’t help you with the meaning of life, we can cover 5 secrets of adulting the college seniors and young adults I’ve worked with over the years have found most helpful in a time of transition. And if you’re already a full-fledged adult? Whether you’re one day or fifty years past graduation, all of us can benefit from the wisdom of those who tossed their mortarboards before us.
The Psychology Behind 5 Adulting Tips
Here are five big jewels in the crown of adulting wisdom.
Adulting Tip #5: Question your self-imposed deadlines.
Many a college senior has sat in my office and announced a deadline for life. Sometimes the deadline is a way to test the waters: “I’m going to work for a year and then decide about grad school.” Or sometimes it’s a way to keep an eye on the prize: “If I haven’t made money doing standup comedy by the time I’m 23, I’m going to get a real job.”
But more often, the deadlines cause more distress than success: “I have to have a job lined up before I graduate.” “I have to meet my life partner in college.” These deadlines are driven by uncertainty and anxiety rather than curiosity or chasing a dream.
Consider this: a deadline to reach a milestone or make a big decision should make your life better. It should make you feel motivated, not trapped. It should help keep you focused, not freak you out.
A deadline to reach a milestone or make a big decision should make your life better.
This applies at any age: “I want to crank out two kids before 35.” “I want to make partner before 40.” “I want to be a millionaire before I retire.” If those goal puts wind beneath your wings, fly high, my friend. But it if they make you want to crawl in a hole, consider keeping the goal but trashing the deadline.
Whether it’s a job after graduation, your first dollar from your own business, or someone you can unironically call snookums, de-couple oppressive deadlines from the goal and feel yourself able to breathe again.
Adulting Tip #4: Be willing to feel negative emotions.
Negative emotion gets a bad rap. Increasingly, it’s seen as a sign of things gone wrong. I’ve said this before, but it bears repeating: one of the few negative side effects of the happiness movement is a creeping unwillingness to feel bad, especially when it comes to negative emotions like sadness, frustration, anxiety, shame, and doubt.
So, push back against the belief that you should only feel happy and confident. Feeling lousy sometimes is normal and healthy. And any transition or new venture will trigger a range of emotions. In the case of graduation, you may be proud of your accomplishments, but also sad the four years are ending, anxious about the uncertainty of the future, or frustrated you can’t make your dreams come true right away.
Now, consistently melting into a puddle of worry, holding a constant black cloud of sadness over your head, or slinging daily lightning bolts of anger isn’t productive, but being willing to feel bad, sad, or mad, when it’s appropriate to the circumstances, is a sign of maturity and awareness. Think of it as being emotionally woke.
What’s more, a study in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletinopens PDF file found that a willingness to express negative emotion went along with having more and closer friends. Why? Negative emotion allows people to see you as an approachable human rather than a walled-off superhuman. So go ahead and say you feel nervous rather than pretending you have it all together. Take that slump in stride and let your frustration light a fire under you. When it comes to everyday emotions, even when you feel bad, it’s all good.
Adulting Tip #3: Do the right thing.
A team led by rock star psychologist Dr. Angela Duckworth examined the extent to which brains and personality contributed to success in almost 10,000 American adults. The researchers defined objective success in terms of income and assets and subjective success in terms of life satisfaction and happiness. The only thing that had an impact across the board? The personality trait of conscientiousness. Conscientiousness, which is essentially self-discipline, not only went along with making more money, but also went along with a happier life.
You might think that being extroverted or smart would be more important. Not so fast. While extroverts were measurably happier, there was no association with income. And while cognitive ability hung together with income and assets, it had no association with a happy life.
Now, it’s true that conscientiousness is a trait we have either a lot or a little of baked into us at birth. But all is not lost for the innately scattered and easily distracted because conscientiousness can be practiced as a skill. We can all get better at showing up on time, persevering through challenges, and being responsible—the very definition of adulting.
Adulting Tip #2: Clarify your values.
Part of adulting is setting goals, but it’s arguably more important to figure out your values. Goals are things you want to achieve. They can often be checked off on a list—get your degree, buy a house, sip a mai tai in Tahiti someday. Goals are the destination.
But values are the road. Values guide how you get to your destination—how you treat people, how you conduct yourself, how you choose your priorities. In other words, goals are what, values are how.
One way to start clarifying your values is to notice what annoys you. If you get outraged when your dining companion forgoes a doggie bag, you probably value limiting waste. If your blood pressure goes up when your friend flakes on plans, you probably value dependability. If you tear your hair out when people use apostrophes to make words plural, you likely value following the rules (and according to an actual study in PLOS ONE, are probably a conscientious introvert).
A way to put your finger on your values is to notice what inspires you.
In addition to noticing what annoys you, a more pleasant way to put your finger on your values is to notice what inspires you. Who do you respect? Who are your role models? What is it about Michelle Obama or Elon Musk or Paul Farmer that you admire?
Paying attention to your outrage and your inspiration helps you reflect on what’s important to you, which in turn can inform your decisions as you figure out not only what, but whoyou want to be as you grow up.
Adulting Tip #1: Remember it’s okay not to have everything figured out.
Whether fortunately or unfortunately, from the dorm room to the boardroom to the Situation Room, we’re all winging it. The realization that you have to make it up as you go along can be paralyzing, but it can also be freeing.
Consider this: uncertainty drives anxiety. And graduation is the time of life with the greatest uncertainty: What will my career be? Will I find a partner? When? Who? Where will I live? Which of my friendships will survive the transition?
This uncertainty leaves us with two options. We can either increase our certainty, or we can get better at accepting uncertainty. Adulting requires both.
Uncertainty leaves us with two options. We can either increase our certainty, or we can get better at accepting uncertainty. Adulting requires both.
A study out of Korea University found that 21st century skills like flexibility and persistence were vital in facing difficult career decisions, but they were turbocharged when combined with—you guessed it—a high tolerance for uncertainty.
You can work to increase certainty—sign a lease, land a job, go on a second, third, or twentieth date. But you can also work to be okay with uncertainty. It’s totally normal not to have it all figured out, whether you’re 18, 22 or several decades beyond.
Adulting is a Journey
So, no matter where you are in this journey of adulting, remember: you may not know where you’re going, but you’re on the right path.
So question your self-imposed deadlines, practice conscientiousness, clarify your values, and know it’s perfectly okay to feel bad or uncertain. And if you really want to adult like a boss, you can even make that dentist appointment.
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About the Author
Dr. Ellen Hendriksen was the host of the Savvy Psychologist podcast from 2014 to 2019. She is a clinical psychologist at Boston University’s Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders (CARD). She earned her Ph.D. at UCLA and completed her training at Harvard Medical School. Her scientifically-based, zero-judgment approach is regularly featured in Psychology Today, Scientific American, The Huffington Post, and many other media outlets. Her debut book, HOW TO BE YOURSELF: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety, was published in March 2018.