How to Deal With People Who Talk Too Much
Is your cubicle the unofficial office water cooler? Are you tempted to set up shop in the handicapped stall just to close a door and get some work done? This week, Savvy Psychologist Dr. Ellen Hendriksen offers 5 tips for when Jeff from accounting stops by to give you the play-by-play of his morning workout.
Ellen Hendriksen, PhD
Listen
How to Deal With People Who Talk Too Much
Listener Brian wrote in with a dilemma. Like many office workers, he works in an open cube environment. He’s friendly and easygoing, but finds he’s a magnet for coworkers taking a break from their own work. People pull up a chair next to his cube and chat, sometimes for up to half an hour! And when they’re not hanging out in his cube, they’re often hanging out nearby, having a loud conversation or talking on the phone.
Brian’s work involves a lot of math and computer programming. In other words, his work is—you know—work. Brian says he’s even tried pulling his file cabinet’s drawer open as an ersatz privacy wall, which, unfortunately, his boss was quick to label as anti-social and a sign of not being a team player.
All in all, Brian asks how he can be more assertive, defend his space, and tell people he needs peace and quiet without letting resentment build or coming across as a jerk.
Therefore, this week, let’s dive into what to do when Donny from marketing stops by to show you his latest cat video.
One problem is the environment itself; here, science is on Brian’s side. In a study out of the University of Sydney, two architecture professors investigated the tradeoffs between open-plan versus traditional offices. The advantages of open-plan offices are, theoretically, better teamwork, creativity, and “ease of interaction.” But the study found that forced interaction did not offset the disadvantages of an open-plan office, which matched Brian’s experience exactly: noise and lack of privacy.
However, the real problem is that Brian is trapped by the Chatty Cathys and Garrulous Garys of the world. It’s a feeling familiar to many of us quiet types, and it’s not exclusive to the office—it can happen at parties, family get-togethers, or anywhere small talk leaves you scanning the horizon for an escape route. Ellen Degeneres likens the feeling to being on a highway with no exits when you have to pee.
Why Do Some People Talk So Much?
This begs the question: Why do some people talk so much? Some talkers fill empty space with nervous chatter to relieve their anxiety. Others keep up a stream of verbal filler because it keeps their brain distracted and off their emotions. Still others talk because they find it rewarding to talk about themselves. Indeed, everyone needs someone in their life to whom they can report what they had for lunch. Unfortunately, not everyone—including Brian—wants to serve this function.
We’ve all tried subtle cues to signal we don’t want to talk, such as, “Okay then,” or continuing to type while the person talks. But it seldom works. A recent study in the Journal of the Experimental Analysis of Behavior even tested a classic subtle technique—avoiding eye contact.
In the study, conversations were staged between two actors and a participant. The actors were instructed to offer verbal approval like “Yes, I agree,” “Exactly,” or “Good point,” at specific intervals. What differed is that in half the conversations, the actors agreed only while making eye contact, while in the other half, they commented while looking away—a subtle cue we often use when trying to bring a conversation to a close.
So, did the participants pick up on this and talk less? Not at all. Avoiding eye contact had no effect. Even worse, the study found the participant chatted more to whichever of the two actors talked less.
How to Deal with People Who Talk Too Much?
Brian hits the answer spot-on when he asks how he can be more assertive. Moving from passive to assertive can feel wrong and dangerous, especially when we weren’t taught to stand up for ourselves. But at its heart, being assertive simply means leaving an interaction with respect for others and respect for yourself intact.
Now, ideally, Brian’s cube visitors would self-regulate or reflect on their impact on him, but it’s also important for Brian (and all of us!) to set boundaries. Therefore, here are five things to try when Leonard from accounting launches into a play-by-play of his divorce proceedings.
Tip #1: Say it out loud.
It’s tempting to use non-verbal cues to signal you don’t want to chat—avoid looking at them, glance at your work, or even continue to type while they stand there and yammer. But folks who treat Brian’s cube like the local watering hole aren’t great at picking up on subtle cues.
Even though it’s hard, if it’s clear that Kevin from the next cube is settling in for a long monologue about the Patriots liberally littered with quotes from “The Hangover” franchise, nip it in the bud.
How? It may be tempting to wait for an opening or to engage for a few minutes so you don’t feel rude, but if you know exactly what’s happening when Kevin rolls his chair into your cube, it’s okay to interrupt before he even sits down. You can even raise your hand in a “stop” gesture.
The key is how you do it. You get to set the tone. Say you’re busy, you can’t talk, or that you’re on a deadline in the same tone you’d use to ask the time or order a sandwich—present it as a simple fact, without overly-polite acrobatics or “We have to talk”-style dramatics.
Some lines include:
- “Hey Kevin, I want to hear this, but today I’ve gotta stay on schedule. I’ll catch you later, okay?”
- “Hey how’s it going? I’m on a deadline, so nobody can talk to me until 3:00. See you then.”
- “Good to see you! Hey, I’m in the middle of something—can you stop by later?”
- (Said in mock frustration, with shoo-shoo hand gestures) “No talking today—I’m trying to quit!”
For those of us raised not to interrupt, this feels wrong. But I finally learned that many talkers realize they’re filling the air and therefore don’t actually take offense when you put a stop to it. Whether it’s nervous chatter, procrastination over their own work, or just lack of a mental filter, their talk gets as big as the space we give it, so less time doesn’t mean less goodwill, it just means less talk.
Even more counterintuitive, sometimes talkers know they’re wasting your time—it makes them feel powerful and in control, not in a sociopathic way, but just enough to give them an ego-reinforcing boost when they visit your cube. They get a break and a pick-me-up, which makes them come back for more. Assuming they’re not bona fide bullies, when you interrupt and set a boundary, they actually don’t get mad, they just go elsewhere, and they respect you more for standing up for yourself.
Of course, calibrate your assertiveness to the visitor. Don’t shoo away your boss, even if he’s stopping by just to harass you about putting the new cover sheet on your TPS report.
Let me validate: it can be hard to push back, especially if you haven’t had much practice, but consider it an experiment. Try it and see how it goes. Because we already know the alternative, which is stewing in resentment for as long as the monologue lasts.
Tip #2: Redirect visitors to come back during “office hours.”
It is important to listen to the occasional story to build rapport and get along. But you don’t have to do it on their schedule.
Therefore, tell people what time you’re free or stipulate a time limit.
- “I’m on a deadline, so I have two minutes.”
- “I’m just in the middle of wrapping something up—can you come back in half an hour?”
Again, it’s best to do this verbally. Posting a sign, especially an earnest, overly-serious sign, often comes across as passive-aggressive or out of step, so think twice before posting anything. The one exception can be a humorous sign. If your workplace culture can handle it, on the days you need it, consider a temporary sign outside your cube or even on the back of your chair:
- Nerd marinating—do not disturb until 3 PM deadline has passed
- Interrupt me before 2 PM and wolves will rip your face off
- Brian’s Visitor Cheat Sheet for Monday: Q: How’s it going? A: Fine. Q: How was your weekend? A: Relaxing. Q: Can I ask you a question? A: Yes—after 3:30 when I’ve wrapped this up.
Tip #3: Be ready for pushback.
Every group has a culture—your office, your family, even a romantic couple has a culture all their own with implicitly understood roles, rules, and inside jokes. When you try to change a culture, it pushes back, trying to maintain homeostasis. Which brings us to Tip #4:
Tip #4: Stay consistent.
Cultures can be changed. And what helps them change fastest is consistency, especially at the outset.
When setting boundaries, it can be tempting to cave “just this once.” But stick to your guns as much as possible.
Think about waiting for a bus. If you know for sure the bus comes every 10 minutes, you’ll walk away to hail a cab after 11 minutes. But if you know the bus runs late from time to time but will eventually show up, you’ll wait for a long time—maybe even 20 or 30 minutes.
The same principle applies with setting limits. If you consistently shoo people out of your cube before 3 PM (and verbally tell them what you’re doing), they’ll get the message much faster than if you make exceptions, bend the rules, and generally hem and haw.
Decades of behavioral psychology tell us that intermittent reinforcement solidifies the toughest kind of learning to extinguish. Rats rewarded intermittently will push on levers until they exhaust themselves, hoping for payout, while those given a reward on a fixed schedule will wander away once they realize no rat chow is forthcoming every third push after all. Of course, humans are not rats, but the same principle applies; case in point: just picture people feeding coins into a slot machine.
Tip #5: Get support from higher-ups.
Brian brought up the issue of his boss labeling him antisocial and not a team player. Clearly, this is a problem, because he’s simply trying to stay on task and do his job.
If you’re in a situation like this, ask for a meeting with your supervisor to explain the problem, present solutions you’re already implementing to demonstrate you’re working on the problem rather than dumping it in their lap, and ask explicitly for the supervisor to have your back.
It’s important to keep these meetings about productivity and the bottom line. Don’t complain about the office culture or your feelings. Instead, frame your request in terms of lost productivity and, if possible, lost dollars to the company.
If your supervisor has the power, it’s also worth getting support to use an office with a door when available, to use a white noise machine, or best of all, telecommute a day or two a week. Depending on your workplace culture, you can approach changes either by implementing them yourself and seeing if anyone objects, or by asking a higher-up for a green light.
Give all of these a try, and when Barbara from Purchasing peeks over your cube wall and wonders aloud what might be wrong with her basement sump pump, you’ll be ready.
About the Author
Dr. Ellen Hendriksen was the host of the Savvy Psychologist podcast from 2014 to 2019. She is a clinical psychologist at Boston University’s Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders (CARD). She earned her Ph.D. at UCLA and completed her training at Harvard Medical School. Her scientifically-based, zero-judgment approach is regularly featured in Psychology Today, Scientific American, The Huffington Post, and many other media outlets. Her debut book, HOW TO BE YOURSELF: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety, was published in March 2018.