How to Survive the Sandwich Generation
What do the Greatest Generation, Boomers, Gen X-ers, and Millennials have in common? No matter your generation, at some point in life, you may find yourself one of the Sandwich Generation. Savvy Psychologist, Dr. Ellen Hendriksen, tackles the challenges of the sandwich squeeze.
Ellen Hendriksen, PhD
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How to Survive the Sandwich Generation
The Sandwich Generation: is it simultaneously having your parents disapprove of you and your kids be embarrassed by you? Not quite. Instead, it’s a term coined in 1981 originally referring to women in their 30s or 40s who cared for elderly family members while raising their own kids. But quite a bit has changed since 1981. As families have kids later and seniors live longer, today’s Sandwich Generation is older—predominately 40-60, and includes plenty of men. But for everyone in it, time, money, and balance are in short supply.
Why? By definition, the Sandwich Generation provides support. And there are many kinds of support to provide—emotional, financial, instrumental (aka tangible help, like driving someone to an appointment or bringing over a casserole). But since this is a psychology podcast, today we’ll focus on the many emotional challenges in a life where, figuratively, you find yourself dealing with a crustless PB&J in one moment, and a meatloaf sandwich the next. For all of you, here are four sandwich states plus how to deal.
Sandwich State #1: Exhaustion
The hottest commodity to Sandwich-ers? Time. Unsurprisingly, over one-third of adults with a parent 65 or older and a dependent child feel constantly rushed, compared to 23% of other adults. This makes sense—if you’re trying to manage your own life and career plus jet between a kid’s soccer game and a parent’s house to make sure the fridge is stocked, sitting down can feel like a luxury.
Try this: Be the coach. Caregivers almost never reach out for help. But it’s important not to conflate exhaustion with a job well done, nor to think you don’t need help because you’re the one doing the helping.
I’ve said this before, but if you’re a caregiver, think of yourself as the coach of a team, not as every single player. Recruit as many people as you can to help care for all generations. It may take time up front, but think of it as an investment. Start a small neighborhood babysitting co-op or school carpool. Ask long-distance relatives to order groceries or pay bills online for the seniors in your life. If you can afford it, go ahead and hire a cleaning service or dog walker for yourself. Fewer tasks equals less exhaustion.
Best yet, kill two birds with one stone by involving Millennials who haven’t quite flown the coop. A record high of 21 million Millennials live in their parents’ homes and almost one-third of adults ages 40-59 fully financially support at least one grown child. So take an all-hands-on-deck approach to sandwiched caretaking—have grown (and even not-so-grown) kids contribute to familial obligations. You can simultaneously shorten your to-do list and nurture the value of pitching in.
Try this: Practice self-care. A 2003 meta-analysis found significantly higher levels of depression, stress, and diminished well-being among caregivers compared to non-caregivers. So it’s trite, but take care of yourself. There is profound truth in the airline instruction of putting on your own oxygen mask first.
But what exactly does “take care of yourself” mean? Sometimes it’s a stretch even to do the basics: sleep, exercise, eat real food, and try not to crank through the day with caffeine and shut it down with alcohol. You may not check off all four basics every day, but try. If you dare, aim higher—see your friends (remember them?), read a book, or play hooky for an hour or an afternoon.
Sandwich State #2: Resentment
This is a tough one: trying to distribute responsibilities equally is hard, but little shifts now can prevent big resentment later. How to do this?
Try this: Be specific when asking for help. A 2001 study found that caregivers’ depressive symptoms can be reduced by support, but only if the support matches caregivers’ actual needs. So instead of saying something vague like, “I need you to pick up some slack around here,” ask specifically for the kind of help you need, whether it’s finding a lawyer, communicating with doctors, or watching the kids.
All this said, if you release a task, let that person do the task. Don’t micromanage unless there’s a health or safety issue. It might not be done the way you’d pictured, but imperfection pales in comparison to resentment (plus you get the relief of a shorter to-do list).
Sandwich State #3: Worry
Worry, by definition, is always about the future. It’s the “What ifs” and the “What nexts?” It’s hard to talk with aging parents about touchy topics like decline or debts, so often we worry instead of taking action.
Try this: To turn the worry into a useful conversation, try a technique we’ve talked about before on the podcast called unified detachment. Instead of approaching a topic as adversaries–you against them—instead frame your conversation as the two of you standing unified together against the problem: for example, what should we do about this financial trouble, how should we approach this failing kidney, what should we do when this house seems too big to maintain?
Unified detachment is also a great tool to use with kids. Ask them how the two of you can work together to solve a longstanding problem, whether it’s procrastinating about practicing piano, too much screen time, or too little studying.
Finally, while you’re turning worry into action, get everything on paper. A will, a health care proxy, power of attorney, DNR paperwork, a plan for guardianship of kids—the more you can get in writing, the less uncertainty, and therefore the less worry, you’ll have later.
Sandwich State #4: Happiness
Bet you didn’t expect that one. Surprisingly, adults in the sandwich generation report happiness levels nearly identical to those who are not sandwiched. Despite balancing so many responsibilities, happiness, it seems, is mostly a matter of perspective.
To wrap up, the three-ring generational circus may be stressful, but theoretically, you do it because you love these people. And that’s not nothing—loving relationships are a cornerstone of life to be enjoyed, and to be grateful for. So add a little teamwork, planning, and self-care to that gratitude, and you’ll manage the sandwich squeeze with grace, sanity, and maybe a pickle on the side.
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Frustrated woman image courtesy of Shutterstock.
About the Author
Dr. Ellen Hendriksen was the host of the Savvy Psychologist podcast from 2014 to 2019. She is a clinical psychologist at Boston University’s Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders (CARD). She earned her Ph.D. at UCLA and completed her training at Harvard Medical School. Her scientifically-based, zero-judgment approach is regularly featured in Psychology Today, Scientific American, The Huffington Post, and many other media outlets. Her debut book, HOW TO BE YOURSELF: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety, was published in March 2018.