5 Ways Positive Discipline Makes Parenting Easier
Do you find yourself often criticizing or yelling at your kids? Are you frustrated when they don’t listen? Mighty Mommy shares 5 tips to make your discipline approach more positive and effective.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my 25 years of parenting it’s that kids themselves aren’t bad—it’s their behavior that can push us over the edge.
As the oldest of five and the daughter of two teachers, I was lucky to be raised with the understanding that we’re all human, we make mistakes, we (hopefully) learn from our mistakes, and when we do something disobedient—it’s our behavior that is unacceptable not us as a human being.
My upbringing helped lay the foundation for my own approach to discipline—which is to use bad behavior as a teachable moment rather than a punishment. But if I’m completely honest, there were plenty of days when my kids pushed my buttons so hard that I slipped from this ideal. No matter how many years you’ve been a parent, sometimes you need to take a step back and reevaluate what’s working and not working in your parenting regime.
If discipline is something you’d like to improve upon, but find that you’re exhausted when presented with a cherub who knows the fine art of manipulation, don’t despair. Mighty Mommy has 5 simple strategies that will help you incorporate positive discipline into your parenting routine and make that disobedient behavior a thing of the past:
- Name the Bad Behavior
- Stop Nagging
- Use Warmth and Understanding
- Don’t Threaten Isolation
- Catch Them Doing Good
Let’s explore each in more detail.
Tip #1: Name the Bad Behavior (Not the Bad Child)
Parents in the 21st century tend to overcomplicate how we raise our children. We have so many competing agendas between home, work, and outside commitments that we often fail to prioritize how we expend our energy.
See also: 4 Basic Strategies for Parenting Success
Obviously life can get complicated. But on those days when our kid insists on wearing underwear outside his pants and we find a rainbow of melted crayons in the dryer, it’s easy to lose perspective of the big picture—and that is to raise self-sufficient, productive children who will make a positive contribution to the world.
It’s tempting to lose your cool in a frustrating moment, but remember that a large part of effective discipline is not what we do, but how we do it. This includes our choice of words and the tone we use.
So the next time your kindergartner decides to crack a dozen eggs all over the rug and use them as fingerpaint, or your teenager borrows the car without asking and stays out hours past curfew, refrain from labeling the child as bad, but instead focus on the bad action: “Annie, we use eggs to cook with, not as art supplies. Now, you’re going to help Mommy clean this mess.”
As for that sneaky teen who helped himself to your SUV, try this: “Alex, you know that one of the rules for driving is that you must always ask to borrow my car, no matter what. The other non-negotiable is being late for curfew. I’m glad you’re OK and nothing happened, but your choice results in no car privileges for the next two weekends.” That’s it. No negotiation.
Tip #2: Stop Nagging
Do you have anyone in your life who is a constant nagger? Someone who continually criticizes everything?
In Psychology Today’s article, “Worst Mistakes Parents Make When Talking to Kids,” author Melanie Greenberg, Ph.D. says, “The problem with nagging is that you are actually training kids to ignore you because they know there will be more reminders down the road.”
This is so true. When a parent gets on the nagging bandwagon, the child has two choices—listen with frustration or tune Mom out. Neither is a good solution for the parent (or child), so rather than back yourself into such a negative corner, start being more mindful of how you speak to your child. When you talk with a calm, matter-of-fact tone and leave the nagging and critical innuendos behind, you’ll have a much better chance of getting your child to listen and respond and at the same time, you’ll be setting a great example for positive communication.
(By the way, this approach works on spouses as well.)
Tip #3: Use Warmth and Understanding
On the one hand, American parents (theoretically) want our kids to learn independence, on the other, we also want to control their actions.
Being a controlling parent isn’t the same as one who sets necessary limits for a child. All kids need boundaries. Curfews, nutritionally-balanced eating choices, and solid bedtime and homework routines are healthy limits. A controlling parent, however, is overbearing and often tries to regulate a child’s words, clothes, activities, and friends.
Even worse is when a parent’s controlling behavior eventually leads to manipulation and guilt. Tactics such as these won’t allow for effective discipline strategies and could eventually lead to resentment from your child.
If controlling maneuvers are part of the norm for you, regardless of your child’s age, it’s time to take an immediate look at why you feel this is an appropriate tool. A study published in the Journal of Positive Psychology found that being raised by parents who aren’t psychologically controlling makes happier adults. Mai Stafford, the lead author of the study, says, “People whose parents showed warmth and responsiveness had higher life satisfaction and better mental wellbeing throughout early, middle, and late adulthood.”
Naturally parents can’t be warm and fuzzy 24/7—parenthood is tough and often draining—but if you’re a control freak with your kids, try to interject some more love and kindness into your approach. This method can help keep little things from escalating and allow your child to figure things out on their own.
Tip #4: Don’t Threaten Isolation
In my 25 years of parenting, one of the most widely-used and controversial methods of discipline has been the time out. I’ve used this technique a handful of times and can attest to its limited benefits, specifically when you need to remove a child from a toxic situation so he could cool down. However, recent studies are showing that isolating a child when trying to teach him right from wrong is not necessarily the way to go.
I agreed with writer David Marquet’s Forbes article 5 Things Good Parents Never Say to Their Children. Marquet explains that when you threaten your child with isolation as a consequence for bad behavior, it could backfire. He writes: “This is a threat that makes children feel unsafe and is particularly malicious as a punishment because it teaches that isolation is a legitimate response to something you don’t like. This sets kids up to be adults who practice ‘the silent treatment,’ or otherwise withhold love, which is particularly harmful to relationships.”
A more positive approach to handle unwelcome behavior is to calmly discuss the problem with the child and ask why he’s feeling angry. Or, if the child is younger, redirect the child to another task that will remove him from the issue, but not sequester him to a remote location that could leave him feeling betrayed and frustrated.
Tip #5: Catch Them Doing Good
This is one of my favorite strategies when it comes to children’s behavior. Our tendency is to focus on what’s wrong or what our child is not doing, but this approach is inherently negative.
About 15 years the teachers at my kids’ elementary school implemented a new system called “Getting Caught.” But the key was that teachers would be on the lookout for good things the students were doing. They’d “catch them in the act” and give them a written citation explaining the good behavior.
These included a teacher observing a student befriending a new kid on the playground, or a child sharing his snack with someone who didn’t have one that day. It might’ve been noticing a child who exhibited a lot of patience waiting in a long line or a child who raised his hand insted of interrupting. One thing was for sure—the majority of the students wanted to rise to the occasion and practice good behavior because it felt great to be noticed for something positive.
That new policy made a big impression on me and ever since then, I have implemented the strategy in my home. I’m genuine with my praise when one of my kids does something good (especially if he or she has had trouble with it in the past). My consistent praise for good actions has rubbed off on my kids in how they treat their siblings and friends.
So catch your kids in the act of doing something good and them let them know it! (Again, this works for spouses too).
How do you keep things more positive in your parenting life?
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Father disciplining son image courtesy of Shutterstock.