How to Handle Rude In-Laws
You can pick your spouse, but you can’t pick your in-laws. Learn Modern Manners Guy’s 3 tips for surviving your in-laws.
Richie Frieman
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How to Handle Rude In-Laws
If you’re married, or in a long-term relationship, you know the question of in-laws is a dicey one. And if you happen to have rude in-laws, it can make your family life that much dicier.
Don’t get me wrong, not all in-laws are bad – mine rock (Hi JoAnn and Michael!). I consider myself very lucky, especially since I know quite a few people who aren’t nearly as fortunate. After all, you can pick your spouse, but you can’t pick your in-laws.
So if you want to make it through another family dinner without being disowned, check out my top 3 quick and dirty tips on how to properly handle rude in-laws:
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Rude In-Laws #1: The Ones Who Can’t Let it Go
A Modern Manners Guy Facebook friend named Carl told me about his disastrous in-laws who can’t move past his wife’s previous relationship with Captain Fantastic (aka, Jordan). For them, Jordan had it all: good looks, money, an Ivy League degree…all the characteristics of someone who is 100% perfect.
But as well know, looks can be deceiving. The fact is that Carl’s wife ended things with Jordan because he was a two-faced liar who treated her poorly. But his in-laws can’t see past the shiny exterior.
The in-laws constantly refer to Carl as Jordan, like it’s a “mistake” – and it’s been 5 years! Even more disturbing, they keep a photo of Jordan and their daughter in the house…hanging on their wall! Beyond frustrating. Carl just wants them to follow Princess Elsa’s lead and “Let it Go.”
See also: Meeting Your Date’s Family for the First Time
It’s understandable that some in-laws have a hard time getting over their child’s former love interest. If this person has all the qualities that parents want for their child and brought their A-game to win them over, why shouldn’t they be enamored? However, they have to respect their adult child’s decision. Carl’s spouse continually tells her parents that Jordan wasn’t right for her and that Carl is. They are married, they have children together, and he’s not going away. That should be enough do to the job, no matter how amazing the ex appeared.
So when you find yourself in Carl’s shoes, I recommend a two-pronged approach. For starters, have a talk with your spouse about how his or her parents’ behavior affects you. After all, you’re a team now, and your spouse should be able to stand up to their parents. Plus, it’s much easier for your spouse to drop the hint without making you look like the bad guy.
Secondly, when someone is consciously discourteous to you, sting them with sarcasm. So when the in-laws call you the wrong name (whether by accident or on purpose) try something like, “No, I’m Carl. Remember, Jordan was the one who cheated on your daughter?”
And if they won’t ditch that photo, no matter how many times your spouse politely asks them to take it down, bring a photo of yourself every time you visit and tape it over the old flame. It’s a hilarious way to make your point.
Rude In-Laws #2: The Political Gurus
One of the things you have to get used to when you marry into a family is that your in-laws may have vastly different opinions from you. And despite differences making us all unique, let’s be honest, some differences are too hard to see past. One of those differences that can divide a family is opposing political views.
I’m not talking about opposing views that lead to a lively, educated debate with a healthy back and forth of counterpoints. No, folks, I’m talking about when your in-laws are so adamant that their political views are the family’s political views, that your opinions are completely flat-out wrong. Usually in cases like this, the head of the house has gone decades being unchallenged and whether it’s Mom or Dad leading the charge, they don’t appreciate you “brainwashing” their child. I believe cults see things the same way…
I’ve said in the past, debating politics doesn’t end well. Even if you and the other person completely respect one another, politics has a way of turning up the heat. Add in the fact that your in-laws may get their political insights from a less-than-objective media source and you’re bound to go 10 rounds of “No, you’re wrong!” It’s enough to make banging your head against a wall seem like a better alternative.
See also: Should You Talk Politics at Work?
The best way to handle in-laws with aggressive political beliefs is to simply never get involved in a political discussion. I know that sounds like the easy route, but when the issue comes up the first time, you’ll know where they lay on the political spectrum and gauge just how intense they are. If their views are diametrically opposed to your own, it’s better to simply change the topic and not engage.
Talk sports, talk weather, talk about a vacation you’re planning, but do not take the bait on politics. Nothing good will come from it. You’re never going to change their minds. Roll your eyes, mentally yell at them for being insane, and then smile and compliment your mother-in-law’s homemade cheesecake. It will all be over soon.
Rude In-Laws #3: The Religious Adherents
Hands-down the most uncomfortable in-law situation is when your spouse’s parents hold religious beliefs that differ from your own. Even if you are on the same “team,” the level of passion can be drastically different.
For example, if they’re at temple or at church, and you’re watching the big game or going shopping, to them you’re basically partying with Satan. Similar to politics, talking religion is a no-win situation. You’re never going to change their minds and it’s improper to walk into their home and even try. Everyone has the right to their own beliefs and challenging the faith of your in-laws will only brew animosity.
See also: 3 Tips on the Etiquette of Religion
You don’t have to agree with them, but you can’t argue with generational practices. But – and this is a big but – you can respect their beliefs without sacrificing your own. If they can’t accept you for you, this may be a deeper issue in your relationship (I’ll touch on that in a future episode).
If you and your spouse are on the same page in terms of religion, that means all you need to do is simply survive the interactions with the in-laws. The most frustrating aspect of the overzealous religious in-laws, is that you’re already behind the eight-ball before you walk in the door. Even if they love you with all their heart, they will still wonder why you won’t see things the “right way.”
Like politics, it’s totally fine to agree to disagree on the question of religion. But unlike politics, religion is a much more personal issue in which you can’t wave the banner of both parties. If you’re going to be a part of this family, you need to respect and participate in its traditions.
Do you have to go to church or temple every weekend if they do? No. Do you have to alter your diet to adhere to their rules? Absolutely not. But if they don’t eat pork, resist the temptation to order a bacon cheeseburger in front of them. During family gatherings, take an active part in the songs, the stories, and the social practices. You are not betraying your beliefs by playing the part for an hour or two. They are your family and you married into it knowing full-well what comes with the marriage license.
As always, if you have another manners question, I look forward to hearing from you at manners@quickanddirtytips.comcreate new email. Follow me on Twitter @MannersQDT, and of course, check back next week for more Modern Manners Guy tips for a more polite life.
Do you have any recent graduates in your circle, or perhaps someone who is looking to start a new career, check out my new book, Reply All…And Other Ways to Tank Your Career for great tips and advice on job success. It’s available now!
In-laws image courtesy of Shutterstock.