How to Deal with Difficult People at Work
Learn your options when (professionally) dealing with difficult people at work.
What do you do when someone at work—a difficult co-worker—walks all over you? Brian wrote in, saying, “My co-worker is getting ‘snarky’ in a business setting. I express an idea and he says, ‘I know you like to do it that way, but I want to do what’s best for the team.’ Then he won’t let me finish a sentence during the so-called dialog. Is it ever OK to say ‘This isn’t productive’ and get up and walk away from a meeting? Or does being ‘professional’ = ‘doormat’?”
How to Deal with Difficult People At Work
I believe it’s always professional to stand up for yourself and ask for respect, as long as you demonstrate respect when making that request. If they say, “Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah you are a silly-head. We don’t have to listen to you,” you do not respond using chants or words like “nyah nyah.” You do not point out that their taunt is juvenile and would be more effective and memorable if they made it rhyme. The third graders used to tell me “Pencil geek, pencil geek, you’re a dork and you are weak.” I still remember this valuable lesson in how memory works. My therapist and I are working on it.
Before we go any further, I must give you a warning. In theory, your company is full of people committed to your mutual success. Your boss is a reasonable person committed to helping people grow and develop. And the culture at your organization is one of shared achievement. But if the reality is that the snarky person has blackmail on your boss (or if they’re romantically involved), or if your company is just a hotbed of politics driven by greed and petty power games, then all bets are off. Tattoo “Welcome” on your forehead and enjoy doormat status.
How to Deal With Difficult People? First, Build a Safety Net
Mature people address conflicts head on. Unfortunately, your snarker has already shown that maturity isn’t high on the list. Start by waiting. Treat your snarker nicely, with respect. Maybe the problem will go away. That sounds passive, but it isn’t. Because while you’re waiting, you’re calling everyone in your address book, chatting happily about all the exciting things you’re doing on your job. You’re sharing your thoughts about your industry, and trends, and the future. You’re asking them what they’re working on, you’re offering them thoughtful ideas… so when you call them in two months looking for a new job, your relationship will be strong and they’ll be willing to help. That is called “building a safety net.” In today’s grand world of layoffs-as-standard-practice, it’s an absolute must.
How to Deal with a Bully
What you’re describing is bullying. It’s a bit more refined, but it’s pure kindergarten behavior. Talking over someone so they can’t be heard isn’t the mark of a mature adult; it’s the mark of a spoiled little snot. For examples, just watch any political commentary on TV.
When dealing with a bully, the best approach is to have a one-on-one conversation, since discussing issues publicly can feel threatening. Start by trying to understand your snarker’s needs. Say, “I understand we disagreed in the meeting. Several times I tried to talk, and it seemed you kept talking over me. Were you afraid we would waste too much time if I spoke?” Whatever the answer is, just listen. Bite your tongue and listen. The snarker will let you know his needs. If he says, “You were just wrong,” and leaves it at that, ask further. Say, “That could be. What was it that you hoped to gain by not letting me talk?” Keep the conversation on the topic of their goals.
How to Express Yourself
Once you have a good idea of their needs, follow Madonna’s advice and express yourself using this formula: behavior, feelings, and needs. The behavior that’s upsetting is being interrupted in front of the group. You’re feeling sad and upset. Your needs are to express your opinion and have it considered by the group. Then follow up by making a request for new behavior, like asking how you can both get your needs met.
It might sound like this: “When you interrupt me in front of the group, I feel sad and upset. I need a chance to express my opinions, even if they’re wrong. How can we satisfy your need of insert-their-need-here and also help me express my needs?”
How to Document the Whole Conflict
As this drama unfolds, keep a log of dates, times, what you said, and what the response was, just in case you need it for Human Resources someday. Or, if he contracts a rare tropical fatal disease on his jungle safari adventure, you can read it his funeral. It pays to be prepared.
If you have a boss who truly cares about your development, I would discuss the situation as objectively as possible. Be careful. Even though snark-face is acting like a five-year old, he’ll accuse you of “running to mommy” if your boss intervenes directly.
Instead, start by asking your boss for advice. “I’m having a problem. I don’t want you to solve it, but please help me understand my options.” Describe the situation and end with, “I’m at a loss. How do I proceed while keeping the team cohesive and being respectful of everyone involved?” Your boss can help you strategize.
Say Bye-Bye Birdie
If acting like an adult doesn’t work, it may be time to leave. Remember that safety net you built? Now’s the time. Investigate moving to another group, or even quitting if it becomes an ongoing problem. “Leave? Over a snarky co-worker?!?” You don’t have to, of course, but if the situation becomes an ongoing energy suck, how many years of your life do you plan to spend with this fungus-encrusted energy leech? Make a clean break.
Modern companies put up with a level of abusive, infantile behavior that we would never accept from a five-year old. Yet we let adults behave that way all the time. You need to set the example. Be mature, be an adult, and stand up for yourself. If your company won’t stand behind you—and they may not—they’re telling you they don’t care enough to make sure you’re treated decently. I wouldn’t stay in any abusive relationship, and neither should you.
Work Less, Do More, and have a Great Life!
RESOURCES
https://SteverRobbins.com/r/buynvc – Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg
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