How to Apologize for Lost Time
When you’ve screwed up, the best you can do is recover.
We all make mistakes that inconvenience other people (well, I don’t, but it would be a mistake to say so out loud). This screws up our relationship with them, and so … we need to repair it. We need to apologize. In my episode on the five apology languages, we learned that there are many ways to phrase an apology. But when you really screw up and waste someone’s valuable time, just saying “sorry” or “it won’t happen again” doesn’t cut it. We need to make sure the message really gets through when things don’t go according to plan.
They’re upset because you wasted their time? Demonstrate that you value their time more than yours. Craft an apology that shows significant time and effort. You’ll make an impression that lasts a lifetime.
Mistakes Happen
Because he’s been so good at stepping up to the plate, Bernice asked intern MG to scout possible locations for the Green Growing Things corporate headquarters. He scored a coup, talking his way into a meeting with Alex, the most exclusive real estate agent in town, who normally deals only with the Most Important People In Town. They were meeting on the 80th floor of Strump Tower.
On the day of the meeting, MG woke up early, just to be safe. He put on his best clothes, put on his coat, picked up his phone to check the bus schedule … and ended up on Facebook, in an engaging discussion of the upcoming Presidential election. The next thing he knew, a text message came through from Alex. “Weren’t we supposed to meet at 10? I’m almost done with my raspberry protein smoothie and am heading to my next appointment. You lose, kid.” It was 10:30. Oops.
MG was crushed. He prides himself on never having missed a meeting or an assignment. That’s why we hired him. (That’s also why we hate him. Ha ha. Kidding!) Being practically perfect in every way, he had never let anyone down before. He didn’t know how to do it. His first thought was to call Alex with excuses. “My alarm clock didn’t go off.” “My train stalled.” “The dog ate my homework.” No. No, no, no, no, no.
When someone disappoints you and offers excuses, you never think, “That’s such a good excuse! They’re obviously super-competent!” A good excuse may help counteract a bad impression, but it isn’t going tip the scales in your direction. The right apology, however, will.
Write Out Your Apology Using All Apology Languages
Write out your apology in advance. Make sure it uses all five apology languages. MG wrote “I’m so sorry for missing the meeting. I feel horrible about it, I accept full responsibility, and in the future, I’ll make sure it won’t happen again. Please forgive me.”
Unless you naturally use all five apology languages, some will come more naturally than others. So actually compose it, making sure you use all five languages.
Once you’ve written your apology, don’t email it! Think about how that looks. Alex got a meeting request from a young millennial. Said millennial then missed the meeting. From Alex’s point of view, MG is just another flaky kid. Getting an emailed apology is exactly, precisely what Alex expects. Because, hey, these days, email is so very, very convenient.
If someone wasted your time by missing an appointment, getting an email apology is just reinforcing the message that the way they operate is to do whatever’s easiest and the least amount of effort for them.
Write your note out, longhand.
Then, Write a Handwritten Note
Seriously. People really respond to this. Email, social media, and private messages are fast and easy. And as such, they mean very little. Ditch the web. Write a real note because it’s personal and shows people you care.
MG went one step further. He bought a box of beautiful, blank Crane stationery cards with lined envelopes. Then he practiced handwriting which, being a millennial, he had only done once or twice in his life. He drafted note after note. His fingers were tired. His eyes were strained, but he kept writing until his handwriting was perfect and his apology targeted every apology language.
Then, he set out to really make restitution with one important addition. A gift.
Find a Gift—A Really Good Gift
The restitution apology language asks the wrong-doer to pay for their error. That can mean more than just giving someone a card. You may want to find an item that will be really meaningful for them. If they love Oreo Ice Cream cake, for example, you can have a surprise cake delivered to their office for them to share with their co-workers. That’s a hint, by the way.
Intern MG decided to go out and get one of those edible fruit arrangements. He figured if Alex likes raspberry smoothies, a fruit sculpture in the shape of a deluxe office park would be the way straight to Alex’s heart.
There’s only one step left. Remember, we’re not just apologizing. We’re apologizing in a way that not only counteracts an initial bad impression, but actually turns the apology into a good impression. So yes, you’re going to deliver this apology in person.
Rehearse and Deliver
You have it in writing. Now, rehearse your apology until you can deliver it naturally and include all five apology languages. MG rehearsed in front of the break room mirror. He looked so serious and sincere. He didn’t know it was a one-way mirror, and won’t he be surprised when he checks Instagram tomorrow morning!
Then, deliver your apology, your note, and your gift in person. Why in person? Because the currency here is time. If you wasted their time, you’re demonstrating your willingness to spend a significant amount of your own to make it right. If you show up in person with a gift and handwritten note, it means you not only took the time to prepare the pieces of the apology, but to bring it in person as well.
If you can’t deliver it in person, use a webcam and shoot a quick 2–3 minute video. If they see your face even on a video, they know you exist and that you’re a human who feels bad.
Intern MG set off to Alex’s office, rehearsing all the way up to the notorious 80th floor. Twenty minutes later, he came out beaming. “Alex said my apology was so impressive that it’s become the talk of the office! Plus, we have a tour of the best new office space in the city scheduled for next week. I’m going to reward myself by organizing my desk and writing a TPS report! Yay!”
Is this overkill? You be the judge. When you need to turn around a bad impression with an apology, email doesn’t cut it. Be willing to pull out all the stops. Use all five apology languages, a handwritten note, a meaningful gift and in-person apology. Not only will you send the message that you’re sorry, but the way you send it will leave a deep, lasting, positive impression.
This is Stever Robbins. I run webinars and other programs to help people be Extraordinarily Productive, and build extraordinary careers. If you want to know more, visit SteverRobbins.com
Work Less, Do More, and Have a Great Life!
About the Author
Stever Robbins was the host of the podcast Get-it-Done Guy from 2007 to 2019. He is a graduate of W. Edward Deming’s Total Quality Management training program and a Certified Master Trainer Elite of NLP. He holds an MBA from the Harvard Business School and a BS in Computer Sciences from MIT.
