Are You Too Blunt?
Have you ever been given feedback that you are too direct, brutally blunt, brusque, or abrupt? A reader writes to share that this style of communication is an impediment to his career growth and asks Lisa B. Marshall, aka The Public Speaker, for ideas on how to change.
Here’s an email from a reader:
Hi Lisa,
My name is Dhiraj V. and I am IT professional with 30 years of experience in the industry. Most of my colleagues are younger than me since I changed my career from business men to IT professional. I have more education and experience in my field than my senior managers. I read your tips on public speaking and they are very helpful but my problem is my voice gets loud and people think I am fighting when I am communicating with others during meetings, asking questions in presentation, and when answering questions, etc. I am very blunt in delivering my message to others even though my colleagues would say that my answers are very truthful and demonstrate a very clear understanding of subject.
I am looking for ways to improve on my delivery because my communication is an impediment to career growth.
Sincerely,
Dhiraj V.
Hi Dhiraj,
Thanks for your email and for trusting me with your concerns. I understand and really relate to your question because I was once a “blunt” communicator, too! (Some might say I still am.) In fact, I was once told, “Lisa you’re like a cruise ship coming into port: you rock all the little boats all around you!”
As you point out in your email, this can certainly hold you back professionally. First it’s important for you to know that it turns out we’re not alone. A recent study showed that insensitive (and abrasive) communication is what often holds people back.
See Also: Stop Being a Jerk
Fortunately for me, I received this feedback early in my career and I was sent to a course in interpersonal communication to learn about the different styles of communication. (It’s what got me started on my journey to becoming a communication professional!) I’ve written about communication style before, and a good place to start would be to understand how to flex your style. (By the way, you might want to get on the waiting list for a my communication assessment. After the short assessment, you get a 22-page report, which helps you to better understand your communication style and gives you tips to flex your style. It was so popular I plan to bring it back soon!)
See Also: Does Your Communication Style Hold You Back?
Use More Positive Language
Beyond understanding your natural communication style (and how to flex it), other very small changes can make the biggest difference. Sometimes it’s just a matter of using more positive language. Instead of saying something is “black,” you can simply say “it’s not white.” For example, if someone asks your opinion of their presentation and you think it’s horrible, instead of saying, “It’s horrible,” you could instead respond with something like:
“It was a good start. Would you like some specific recommendations to make it even stronger?” or “I’m not sure that the presentation represented our company (or you) in the best possible manner. Would you like specific recommendations? ” To build relationships and trust at work, it’s always important to frame conversations positively.
(I’ve written about why you should use positive language before.)
Show More Appreciation
Another small change that can also make a huge difference is showing your appreciation. Feeling appreciated lifts people up—it makes us feel safe. Research suggests that when you express appreciation more often than negative feedback, you boost employee performance, engagement, well-being and health. And because expressing appreciation is considered a “communal behavior,” this will help to balance out some of your agentic behaviors. Strong leaders display a balance of both communal and agentic behaviors. And by the way, I’ve written about why we should show appreciation and also how to give compliments previously.
Ask More Questions
One other change that can make a difference is to purposefully infuse humility and curiosity into your communication. Instead of directly telling others what to do (which tends to be the natural evolution of our communication as we advance in our careers), you could help others reach collaborative conclusions by asking more questions. You may want to read a book I just finished called Humble Inquiry by Edgar H. Schein (a professor emeritus at MIT Sloan School of Business). He suggests in his book that “The time Humble Inquiry is often most needed is when we observe something that makes us angry or anxious. It is at those times that we need to slow down, to ask others in a humble way in order to check out the facts, and to ask ourselves how valid our reaction is before we make a judgment and leap into action.”
Finally, Laura Crawshaw, an expert on the “abrasive leader,” suggests that truly abrasive leaders are those whose interpersonal behaviors cause emotional distress in coworkers, which is sufficient to disrupt organizational functioning. The good news for you is that I suspect you are NOT this extreme because her research indicates that most abrasive leaders (bullies) have little or no awareness of the nature and impact of their their behaviors. In essence, they’re clueless.
Her research indicates that most abrasive leaders (bullies) have little or no awareness of the nature and impact of their their behaviors.
Work with a Coach
Dhiraj, you wrote to me identifying the issue and recognizing the impact on your career—so you clearly aren’t clueless! This would indicate that you aren’t one of the severe cases. However, this is one of the interpersonal communication areas that’s hard to improve on your own.
Certainly you can read the articles and books I mentioned on this topic but usually this particular issue requires a trained coach to help you identify your specific behaviors that are causing negative perceptions. In addition, a trained coach can also help you to identify positive replacement behaviors and help you to practice these new behaviors and conversational skills. Think of it this way: you can read all the books you want about swimming, but if you want to efficiently improve your swimming, you need to jump in the pool with an expert coach at your side helping you discover what you are doing right and what you could be doing differently.
So this podcast and the materials I referenced are a good start, but I’d recommend you seek out a qualified, trained coach for private one-on-one help. I guarantee this investment in your personal and professional development will be well-worth the return. (I’d be remiss if I didn’t say that I do offer this sort of one-on-one private coaching, but on a very limited basis.) Dhiraj, I hope you’ll try out some of these techniques and let me know how it goes.
This is Lisa B. Marshall moving you from mediocre to memorable, from information to influence, and from worker to leader! I invite you to read my best-selling books, Smart Talk and Ace Your Interview, listen to my other podcast, Smart Talk, and invest in your professional development via my online courses Powerful Presenter, Expert Presenter, or Influence: Maximize Your Impact.
As always your success is my business!
Image courtesy of Shutterstock.
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About the Author
Lisa B. Marshall Lisa holds masters with duel degrees in interpersonal/intercultural communication and organizational communication. She’s the author of Smart Talk: The Public Speaker’s Guide to Success in Every Situation, as well as Ace Your Interview, Powerful Presenter, and Expert Presenter. Her work has been featured in CBS Money Watch, Ragan.com, Woman’s Day, Glamour, Cosmopolitan, and many others. Her institutional clients include Johns Hopkins Medicine, Harvard University, NY Academy of Science, University of Pennsylvania, Genentech, and Roche.
