How to Deal with a Mooching Friend
Have you ever had a mooching friend who takes advantage of your generosity? Lisa B. Marshall, aka The Public Speaker, can help you create a healthier relationship.
Lisa B. Marshall
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How to Deal with a Mooching Friend
I get lots of interesting questions emailed to me, and here’s one I really wanted to share with you. There are times in our lives when we all find ourselves with a person who just takes and takes … and I hope my advice will help.
Dear Lisa,
I have seen your website with a lot of helpful information about how to be diplomatic and I would like to know your opinion about what words one should use to stop someone exploiting others unscrupulously. My husband has a” friend” who only calls when he needs something to be done for him or to get some free tax and financial advice. When he comes to London, he uses my husband as a free driver for him and his friends, etc. When we go to the restaurant he never pays for himself, and recently not even for his girlfriend. He takes advantage with a big smile on his face.
Thanks for your advice,
Anna
Dealing with a Moocher
Anna, it’s interesting that you put the word “friend” in quotes, and of course, your instinct was right. A friend is someone who shares something in common with you and whose company you enjoy. You mutually benefit from the relationship, and you’re both happy to continue it. A moocher, however, is someone who expects benefits from a relationship without providing any in return. This guy sounds like a moocher. So, how do you deal with this guy? Well, the first thing we need to consider is your husband’s feelings towards his behavior.
How Should You Feel When Someone Is Using You?
Some people really don’t mind when others take advantage of them. They really, sincerely enjoy helping others and perhaps they benefit from the relationship in that way. And that’s totally fine. Anna, if your husband doesn’t mind his “friend” mooching off him, for the sake of your own peace of mind, you will have to just accept that your husband is okay with this behavior. If, however, he’s not happy, he will begin to experience some stress over it, and that’s not good for his health.
So let’s discuss how to deal with moochers, when you want to remain diplomatic.
How to Politely Stop a Moocher
It helps to first try to determine the other person’s perspective. Does he realize he’s taking advantage? Is he just lonely? Is this his way of reaching out? Looking at the other person without anger or resentment can help you deal with a person with respect and kindness. However, it’s still crucial to set boundaries. If a person calls expecting a ride, a simple “I’m not available” should suffice. To make the point more clear, your husband could give the man the number of a taxi service. “I’m sorry, I’m not available. Here’s the number of a reliable taxi service that I’ve used.” (Then he can’t argue, “But I don’t know else who to call!”)
If a person has a habit of inviting himself to a restaurant without the expectation of paying, your husband could say, “We would love to have a meal with you. Can we go dutch? Right now Anna and I are only able to pay for ourselves.” If he wanted to be more direct, he could add, “Are you able to cover your dinner? If not, unfortunately, we won’t be able to go.” This should make the point clear, and usually, after one or two rebuffs like this, he should get the hint.
When Hints Don’t Work
For most good people, our instinct is to be compassionate and make excuses for a person’s behavior. But eventually, when that person’s behavior is negatively affecting us, and little hints like don’t work, something must be said more directly. But it should be thought through ahead of time, to avoid a nasty scene. I remember a girl in college who always expected me to drop everything and give all my attention to her and her endless whining. I was her free therapist. I tried to be nice, tried to be a friend, but the resentment was building, and I didn’t realize it.
Once, when she wanted to talk and I was in a hurry and looked at my watch, she got huffy: “Well, if you don’t have TIME for me, just forget it!” I’d like to say I handled it like a future communications expert, but I didn’t. I yelled at her, right in public. I told her she was selfish and only ever thought of herself, even though I’d tried so hard to be nice. I told her to just forget it and I marched away. The poor thing looked stunned. I’d really hurt her. I don’t recommend this approach for your husband.
In my book, Smart Talk, I discuss in detail how to say no under difficult circumstances and how to prepare for and hold that difficult conversation. In brief, try to think of the person in a compassionate, positive manner, and ask questions that might explain the person’s motives for his behavior. If there’s a third party who knows both your husband and the man, a chat with him for some background might be helpful. Next, since we all have different communication styles, it’s important to adjust our style to one that the other person will understand.
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If your husband is easy going and the other guy is loud and abrasive, for instance, your husband may need to be more direct and assertive than he normally is. It may help to practice with you or with another trusted person first. But in the end, the conversation must be had. He should clearly state his observations of the offending behavior, explain how it’s negatively affecting him, and their friendship, and offer him an opportunity to suggest a solution. If he is a decent fellow who is just clueless, he should take it well. If the conversation is delivered in a compassionate manner, it could actually turn him into a genuine friend! If not, he’ll leave your husband alone, and move on to find another trough where he can feed. Either way, your husband wins.
I hope this helps. Let me know how things turn out.
This is Lisa B. Marshall helping you to lead and influence. If you’d like to learn more about compelling communication, I invite you to read my bestselling books, Smart Talk and Ace Your Interview and listen to my other podcast, Smart Talk. As always, your success is my business.
Image courtesy of Shutterstock.
About the Author
Lisa B. Marshall Lisa holds masters with duel degrees in interpersonal/intercultural communication and organizational communication. She’s the author of Smart Talk: The Public Speaker’s Guide to Success in Every Situation, as well as Ace Your Interview, Powerful Presenter, and Expert Presenter. Her work has been featured in CBS Money Watch, Ragan.com, Woman’s Day, Glamour, Cosmopolitan, and many others. Her institutional clients include Johns Hopkins Medicine, Harvard University, NY Academy of Science, University of Pennsylvania, Genentech, and Roche.