Uh Oh! How Do I Toast When I Don’t Like the Groom?
What should you do if you have to give a toast, but don’t know or like the person? Lisa B. Marshall, aka The Public Speaker, helps you get through this sticky situation.
Lisa B. Marshall
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Uh Oh! How Do I Toast When I Don’t Like the Groom?
You may one day find yourself in the difficult position of having to toast someone you really don’t like. It’s awkward, but it can be done. I received this email from a listener recently:
My sister is getting married soon. I don’t know or like the groom. He has never involved himself with family/friends and neither my sister nor my family has met any of his family. What do I say about him in the toast? My sister has never mentioned any special moments. Up until the proposal, she was still calling/crying to me that he never showed or said how he felt. But during his proposal, he mentioned he was testing her. What the what!!! How do I write a toast if I don’t like the groom?
Janice
This is a difficult situation, Janice. Maybe your sister was just blowing off steam and he’s not as bad as it seems. But the fact is, you don’t have a good impression of him. So I’m not just going to tell you what to do; I’m also going to tell you what NOT to do. And this advice can be applied to any similar situation.
What to Say and How to Say It
The job of the Maid of Honor toast, or any wedding toast, is to help the audience to experience positive emotions—get them to cry (happy tears), laugh, or at least smile. Be sure to check out my other episodes where I explain how to write and deliver the perfect wedding toast. In your specific case, as maid of honor, you can choose to highlight the relationship with the bride only; focus on memories created with the sister, values you share with the sister, and your happiness that she has found someone she loves and with whom she can share her life.
If you feel compelled to write about the groom, be sure to choose words that are true, and let the audience draw the meaning. “It’s been an incredible journey from when they first me to when they fell in love to today…” “Jeff is really one-of-a-kind and I’m happy my sister found someone she really loves.” Or you can simply talk about how they met and say how lucky he is to be spending the rest of his life with your sister.
Another option is to find something you do like about the guy. Even when we don’t like people, often we can still find a trait or two that is admirable. When I am trying to adjust my opinion of someone I don’t initially like, I think about what I don’t like about a person and then challenge myself to find how that same trait could is positive. Focus on that one trait and talk about it in a positive way. Much harder, but certainly it can be done effectively.
What NOT to Say and How NOT to Say It
If you really can’t find anything positive about the guy, you will have to be very careful not to let on. Don’t make back handed remarks. “My sister seems to, uh, really like this jer…guy” or “My sister seems to, uh, really like this guy??” Even if you SAY all the right words, your tone of voice and posture could give you away, so think positive thoughts throughout the whole thing. This is NOT the time to express your true feelings or to be sarcastic. That would only serve to ruin the wedding reception. It’s also not the time to lie. You’re probably not the only person with unclear feelings on the matter. Lie, and they’ll know. Say something sarcastic, and they may agree, but your sister will be humiliated—and your chance to turn your relationship around with your new brother-in-law may be dead.
Toasts are not speeches, so another option is to just keep it super short. You don’t have to say much at all; just one quick story about your sister and a wish for happiness, or perhaps even just a wedding wish is enough to fulfill you responsibility. For example, “From this day forward, may your commitment deepen, your happiness increase, and your love grow.” Or even, “May your life together be filled with happiness, joy, and delights. Congratulations on this journey and may you have a joyful ride.”
Of course there is one final option … to explain to your sister that it might be better to find a different person to give the toast. But that would be very extreme and you’d need to be able to live with the consequences (whatever they are) of that decision. Good luck and have fun at the wedding. Be sure to write me and let me know what you decided.
This is Lisa B. Marshall helping you to lead and influence. If you’d like to learn more about compelling communication, I invite you to read my bestselling books, Smart Talk and Ace Your Interview and listen to my other podcast, Smart Talk. As always, your success is my business.
Wedding toast image courtesy of Shutterstock.
About the Author
Lisa B. Marshall Lisa holds masters with duel degrees in interpersonal/intercultural communication and organizational communication. She’s the author of Smart Talk: The Public Speaker’s Guide to Success in Every Situation, as well as Ace Your Interview, Powerful Presenter, and Expert Presenter. Her work has been featured in CBS Money Watch, Ragan.com, Woman’s Day, Glamour, Cosmopolitan, and many others. Her institutional clients include Johns Hopkins Medicine, Harvard University, NY Academy of Science, University of Pennsylvania, Genentech, and Roche.