How to Handle Criticism (Part 1 of 3)
No one likes the sting of criticism. Learn how best to deal with it.
Ouch. That hurt! Did I just get punched? It sure feels that way. Today, quick and dirty tips to effectively handle criticism.
How to Handle Criticism
No one likes the sting of criticism, especially if it was delivered harshly or came unexpectedly. But whether we like it or not, criticism is inevitable. Especially as we build large social networks, make public presentations, or act in positions of leadership. The more people we know, the more may like us–but also the more that may criticize.
Speaker and author, Beth Beutler and I recently had a conversation about how we handle criticism when it comes our way. So I invited Beth to co-write this three-part series with me covering quick and dirty tips to accept criticism professionally and graciously.
Acknowledge Different Perspectives
My older sister, Debbie, recently mentioned that she thought she was better able to handle criticism and professional conflict because of a saying my father instilled in us. He’d say, “Everyone is entitled to their own misguided opinion.” What he meant was that everyone comes to a conversation with different backgrounds, influences and biased perceptions.
He wanted us to understand how important it is to always be open to another person’s perspective and at a minimum, at least have a healthy awareness that other people see things in different ways. He wasn’t suggesting we automatically accept another’s point of view; simply that we accept others may feel differently and we should evaluate other perspectives with an open mind.
Handle Criticism By Practicing a Response
Sometimes you’ll be caught off guard by a criticism, so an initial reaction of anger will be perfectly normal—though you may still regret your reaction later. If you’ve already practiced some healthy responses, you’ll have a better chance of keeping a damaging reaction at bay.
Choose to avoid acting immediately or defensively. Think about what might work best for you. Perhaps you’ll want to turn your face away, take a deep breath, or count to eleven (anyone can count to ten!). If the person delivering the criticism isn’t right in front of you and so you don’t have to react right away, going for a walk, doing yoga, or talking with a friend can help you calm down. Practice your response enough so that you calmly, consistently, and automatically respond to criticism. The last thing you want is to get angry at yourself for poorly handling the situation.
Buy Some Time With Silence
Though you can’t control the other person, you can influence him or her with your response. Your choice to remain silent, turn away for a bit, or take a breath buys you time and may be a gift to them as well.
Since we rarely know all the circumstances of someone’s life, give them space to re-listen to their words. Some people just aren’t very sensitive to people’s feelings, but I choose to believe that most people are not mean-spirited. Give them a minute to possibly take back the words–or at least acknowledge how they said them.
Another reason to avoid an immediate, defensive response is that in most cases, you’ll only be adding to the problem. Reacting, which tends to come from emotion, rather than responding, which can come from thoughtful consideration, often just adds more fuel to an already volatile situation.
Diffuse Criticism Quickly by Saying Thanks
A short, a simple way to quickly diffuse criticism is to say, “Thank-you.” I like to say, “Thanks for taking the time to give me feedback. I sincerely appreciate it.” If you sense that you are in control of your emotions, you might also approach the criticism with curiosity. “Thanks for letting me know; can you tell me more so I can understand better?”
You could also say, “Can you help me understand why you think that…” “Can you give me specific examples?” “What was your impression when…” If you are open to learning, these questions can help you modify your behavior.
In addition, it helps to not be certain about your own perspective. Your openness allows the other person to perceive that you are approachable and want to have a discussion about the issue. However, if you feel blindsided and not yet ready for more details, you may choose to skip that.
Finally, don’t assume you understand the other person’s perceptions or intentions. And of course, don’t resort to name calling or blame. Up to this point, your only goal is to try to understand.
An Example of How to Deal with Criticism
Recently a listener gave me feedback about what she perceived as a “forced chuckle.” Initially I responded by saying, “Thanks for the feedback.” Later I decided to explore this perspective (with curiosity) by asking others on The Public Speaker Facebook page whether anyone else held a similar opinion. One person responded that they agreed with the comment, so I decided to ask her to help me understand her perspective better. To be clear, I wasn’t necessarily agreeing with the perception. However, I did appreciate the information and I was (and am) open to learn more.
The next episode will pick up from here …
This is The Public Speaker Lisa B. Marshall with Beth Beutler this week. Our success depends upon your success.
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If you have a question, send email to publicspeaker@quickanddirtytips.com. For information about keynote speeches or workshops, visit lisabmarshall.com.
Two Businesspeople Talking image courtesy of Shutterstock
About the Author
Lisa B. Marshall Lisa holds masters with duel degrees in interpersonal/intercultural communication and organizational communication. She’s the author of Smart Talk: The Public Speaker’s Guide to Success in Every Situation, as well as Ace Your Interview, Powerful Presenter, and Expert Presenter. Her work has been featured in CBS Money Watch, Ragan.com, Woman’s Day, Glamour, Cosmopolitan, and many others. Her institutional clients include Johns Hopkins Medicine, Harvard University, NY Academy of Science, University of Pennsylvania, Genentech, and Roche.
