How to Stop Helicopter Parenting
If you track your child’s every movement on the playground or oversee every aspect of his life 24/7, you might be considered a “helicopter parent.” And all that hovering isn’t doing your child any favors. Mighty Mommy shares 5 tips on how to take the hover out of your parenting.
When you hold your child in your arms for the very first time, time stands still as you dream about how perfect you want his world to be. You may even secretly make a pact with yourself to do everything in your power to keep him safe, no matter what it takes because as a parent you want only the best for him.
That’s admirable and totally understandable. However, jump forward a few years from that precious moment and suddenly something interferes with these idyllic plans—your child grows and begins to exert his independence.
While this is completely normal and healthy, it’s not always easy for parents to accept. After all, what if he makes a mistake? What if he gets hurt? What if someone hurts his feelings? What if…?
And therein lies the challenge. How can we help our children have new experiences, achieve their goals, and take risks without hovering in their shadows 24/7 and undermining their sense of personal accountability?
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If you track your child’s every movement on the playground, or run onto the baseball field when your son gets hit with a pitch, or worry about your child 25 hours a day, you might easily be considered a “helicopter parent.”
The term “helicopter parent” was first coined in a 1969 book titled Between Parent and Child, by Haim Ginott. The teen featured in the book reported that his mother watched over him like a helicopter. Since then, many college administrators have used the term to refer to parents who continue to manage their children’s lives from a distance after they have gone away to college.
Today, that term is still going strong and is a common parenting style because parents are unsettled about all that is going on in this big world around us, so they hover and protect their kids from any and all adversity.
But you can still keep your kids safe while letting them foster their own sense of self and independence. Mighty Mommy shares 5 tips on how to take the hover out of your parenting:
Tip #1: Equip Your Kids with Life Skills
The minute your child goes to daycare or pre-school for the first time, you need to resign yourself to the fact that you are no longer going to have as much control over his/her day-to-day life. You can’t possibly be responsible for everything your kids do or should be doing. Instead, you have to trust that you’ve equipped them with the skills to do their job, and when you see that they’re struggling, step in and help them gain the skills they’re missing.
So instead of running your son’s library book over to school mid-day, teach him how to make a calendar to keep track of library day, gym day, etc. that also lists the supplies he’ll need on different days of the week. And if he forgets the necessary supplies, he will have to manage the repercussions. A good life lesson.
Tip #2: Teach Your Kids to Advocate for Themselves
If a child is used to his mother calling his teacher every time she gets a bad grade, or pulling the coach aside after the baseball game to question why he didn’t get to play all 9 innings like his friend did, the child will not learn the tools to advocate for himself.
It’s important for kids to be able to ask questions, gain clarification, and speak up when they need something. In the workforce, these kids won’t have Mom or Dad available to help them deal with a mean boss or challenging policy, so take a situation like your child receiving a poor grade and use it as a teaching moment.
You can role play and say something like “I know you’re really not happy with this C-minus because you worked extra hard on that science project. Why don’t you ask your teacher if she’ll go over how she graded it so you can then explain why you thought it should have been a different grade based on how you worked on the project?”
Tip #3: Prepare Your Kids for Natural Consequences
Kids need to face the consequences of their actions, no matter how small they may seem to you.
For example, in my family of 8 kids, severalare very heavy sleepers. They’re the ones who have difficulty waking up for school. Years ago, with my oldest, I moved heaven and earth to get her up every morning because I didn’t want her to miss the bus. While I thought I was doing the right thing by getting her to school on time, what I was actually doing was enabling her to rely on me as her alarm clock. – and therefore not teaching her to be responsible for her own actions.
Once I stopped acting as her alarm clock, it took almost a month of pouting and missed buses. But after a few days of having to stay after school for being late, she quickly learned that she had to be accountable for her actions.
Tip #4: Don’t Do for Kids What They Can Do for Themselves
This hovering habit is one of the hardest to break. Many times we take on extra duties for our kids because we have a soft spot in our hearts for simply wanting to make things easier for them.
For example, we see that they’re tired after a long day of school so instead of allowing them to bring their own dirty clothes to the laundry room or feeding the family pet, we jump in and do it for them, thinking we’re doing them a favor.
The problem is that this gets misinterpreted by the child. Once he sees that all he needs to do is act tired to get you to handle his chore, it will become a bad habit for both of you. By allowing them to do their share, no matter how small it might be, you’re giving them regular opportunities to contribute and be proud of themselves. See also: How to Get Your Kids to Help with Chores.
Tip #5: Letting Go Will Be Uncomfortable
Chances are, once you start recognizing the different areas where you hover too much and begin to pull back, you’re going to feel uncomfortable and unsure of yourself. That’s actually a very good thing!
The next time you come across a helicopter parenting moment – like letting your 12-year-old get a zero on his homework assignment because he left his workbook at home and you didn’t drive it down to school when he called in a panic – give yourself a verbal reminder to reinforce that you’re doing the right thing. Say, “He was watching TV and didn’t get himself organized the night before. So by letting him get that zero for forgetting his homework, I will help teach him to be more responsible next time.”
Or you can even keep a written journal to chart your progress. List the various over-parenting opportunities you’ve experienced and then list what you chose to do instead. Before you know it you’ll have page upon page of examples that you’ve pulled back and chose to fly away instead of hover!
Your child probably won’t thank you right away (no one likes getting a bad grade), but you will be doing him a huge favor in the long run.
Have you had to step back and keep from smothering your child with too much parenting? Share your thoughts in the comment section or post your ideas on the Mighty Mommy Facebook page. You can also connect with me on Twitter @MightyMommy or e-mail me at mommy@quickanddirtytips.comcreate new email. Visit my family-friendly boards at Pinterest.com/MightyMommyQDT
Let your children find things out for themselves now, and when they’re ready to leave the nest, you’ll have given them one of the best parenting gifts you possibly could—self confidence and independence! Happy Parenting everyone!
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