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A Relative Annoyance

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A Relative Annoyance

Our families are often great resources when it comes to helping out with our children.

By


Cherylyn Feierabend


4 minute read
Episode #59

Hey there! You’re listening to the Mighty Mommy with some quick and dirty tips for practical parenting.

Our families are often great resources when it comes to helping out with our children. Recently a listener asked me to talk about those relatives who insist on using their own methods when assisting with the kids. Those weren’t her exact words, but I’m not repeating what she said. There might be children listening. I’ll just say that she was frustrated.
 
I think most of us have been in this situation. We feel so lucky and blessed to have family nearby and willing to lend a hand. The problem we eventually encounter is the relative who doesn’t have any problem telling you that you are doing it all wrong. Not only that, but when you accept offers to let this person babysit for you, your instructions may as well be given to the changing table.
 
Unfortunately, as you already know, people rarely change. You do have a few things you can try, however, to fix the problem without alienating your loved ones. My first tip is to write instructions down. Make them succinct and to the point. If you don’t want your child to be fed candy, write NO CANDY. If you want your child in bed at a certain time, make it clear. You might even want to add a quick note and highlight problem areas: NO CANDY – NO EXCEPTIONS in big bold letters to add effect. If you meet resistance to the instructions, point out that you had to create it because you had a sitter with whom you’d had these problems, and it was causing behavior issues with your children. The goal is to not blame the actual person. If you place blame on an unspecified party, the person receiving the information might feel more inclined to be the better babysitter. It sounds sneaky, and it is, but it’s worth it if it works.
 
In cases where you know that trickery won’t work, you will need to be more direct. Tell your relative that you love and appreciate all of the advice and assistance provided. Then be very clear about what you are experiencing. If it’s instructions about caring for the kids, tell your family member why giving candy to your child is an issue. If your son gets an upset tummy from candy or chocolate, you need to say so. Let your relative know that allowing your daughter to stay up past her bedtime causes her to be very grouchy in the morning or limits her playtime the next day because she overslept. Sometimes the realization of the consequences can help clear up some of the trouble spots.

 When you are deciding which topics to tackle, keep in mind that you cannot change everything. Focus on the most important issues. If you have good communication with the family member, you might even open up the topic for discussion. If you know Grandma is going to give your daughter candy because she just can’t say no, then decide on an appropriate amount and ask her to please limit it to that. If you know your child is going to be allowed to stay up past her bedtime, could she please sit quietly and watch a video instead of having a late-night tickle fight?
 
I know there are many other issues besides sweets and late nights, but those are the two I run across most often. Your last resort when it comes to resolving these problems is the hardest. If you are paying a babysitter, it’s easy to tell them to do it right or you’ll find someone else. Telling a relative, or even a friend who is helping you out of the kindness of their heart, is a much more difficult task. You may not have someone else to go to either. Sometimes, it’s best to accept the fact that your instructions may not be followed exactly as you’d like. As long as your children are safe and happy, that is the ultimate goal. If you feel your children are in danger or are unhappy, it’s time to find another solution.
 
Finally, I’d like to share one quick tip about those friends and relatives that are so incredibly certain that they know better than you how to raise your children. They are so knowledgeable, in fact, that they will often tell you what you are doing wrong and how to correct it. We know their kids are perfect after all, right? My advice is to thank them and store that information in the “things I didn’t need to hear” section of your memory. It’s not worth getting upset over. You are doing the best you can with your kids and most people truly believe they are trying to help. They just don’t realize that the best way to help is to ask you how they can help and then actually listen to you.
                   
That’s it for now. I hope you’ve enjoyed the show. Thank you for listening.
 
I’d like to ask you to please take a moment to complete the listener survey that you’ll find in the sidebar at the Mighty Mommy website. The website is https://mightymommy.quickanddirtytips.com. Thanks in advance for taking the time to help us learn more about you and your preferences.
 
If you’d like to request a topic for the Mighty Mommy you can e-mail me directly at mommy@qdnow.comcreate new email.
 
The Mighty Mommy’s Quick and Dirty Tips for Practical Parenting is part of the Quick and Dirty Tips network at quickanddirtytips.com. This week Grammar Girl is talking about how to write percents so be sure to check out her podcast!

This is your friend the Mighty Mommy wishing you happy and fun parenting!

 
Music – “Golly Gee” Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons “Attribution 2.0” https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/“
 

Siblings image courtesy of Shutterstock

 
All content here is for informational purposes only. This content does not replace the professional judgment of your own mental health provider. Please consult a licensed mental health professional for all individual questions and issues.







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