But, He’s Always Good at Home…
When you are dealing with aggressive behavior outside the home where you can’t see it, you may be more challenged to correct it.
Cherylyn Feierabend
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But, He’s Always Good at Home…
Hey there! You’re listening to the Mighty Mommy with some quick and dirty tips for practical parenting. I’ve been receiving quite a bit of e-mail recently asking me about aggressive behaviors. Some of you are concerned because your children are behaving inappropriately toward classmates or daycare playmates. I did cover some aggressive behavior tips in Dealing with an aggressive child; however it was more geared toward toddlers than school-aged children. When you are dealing with aggressive behavior outside the home where you can’t see it, you may be more challenged to correct it.
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Recently a friend of mine recommended a book to me. The book is called Have You Filled a Bucket Today? Her recommendation was very timely. I ordered the book right away and was very excited to share it with my children. It’s a great book for reading to kids of all ages. It teaches the act of kindness. I think it would be a great tool to use when your child is forgetting to be nice. I thought it was a nice coincidence that I received the book recommendation during the same period of time that I was receiving e-mail about aggressive children.
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Encouraging your children early in life is the best way to instill positive or assertive behavior. You do this by talking with them and modeling the behavior you would like to see. However, even if you’ve already done everything you could to stop the behavior before it starts, it isn’t a guarantee. Once your children are in the care of someone else, you might start receiving reports of behavior you’ve never seen. You’ll be baffled and prone to responding with, “That can’t be true. My Bobby is an angel at home!” I always pick up my daughter expecting to hear tales of terror and I’m told she was a “complete angel” in my absence. This always baffles me, but it’s proof that children can and will behave differently in different situations. The key is to find out what is causing the bad behavior so you can correct it.
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Children need an outlet for their emotions. They also need to feel that they can safely come to you, their parents, without being judged. If there are recurring incidents of aggression at school by your child, you’ll most likely receive word from the school. First, get as much detail about the situation as you can from the adults reporting the news. Then, before punishing or accusing your child, ask him to tell you his side of the story. Even if you have enough facts to prove that your child is completely at fault, you need to hear him out. Depending on the severity of the situation, you may still need to penalize your child for the behavior, but it’s important to hear him out as an ally first. This will allow you more opportunity to discover if there is an underlying issue that needs attention. You also need to pay attention to all of the details from each of your sources. If the child is repeatedly acting out at a certain time of day, or in a specific location, or with a specific friend around, there may be a specific trigger. This doesn’t make the behavior acceptable, but it could help you in conquering the problem.
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If your child doesn’t want to talk to you about it or doesn’t want to go into detail, you may need to find another adult with whom your child feels more comfortable. Don’t be overly sensitive or feel insulted by this. Sometimes kids just won’t want to talk to their parents. It’s normal. Make sure that you both trust the person they do talk with, however, and make sure that person gives you the information you need. Let your child know that you understand there’s an issue and maybe talking to someone else would be easier, but that you still need to punish him for his behavior. Be assertive, but not aggressive in your own dealings with your child. When doling out the punishment, make it clear that you are punishing his actions and not his feelings. If he’s going to respond with negative behavior, there will be consequences. You may also want to discuss with your child other ways he could have handled the situation to have avoided punishment.
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When you have a child who is too young to have a conversation about his emotions or the reasons for his behavior, you will have to rely more on the adults who were present when the incident occurred. If your child is in preschool or daycare when the behavior is rearing its ugly head, talk with the teachers, aides, and other parents who may be present. You need to find out specifically what happened. For example, if your child is taking toys from other children without asking, it may be a behavior you haven’t experienced if your child hasn’t been in situations where sharing normally occurs. If your child is hitting or pinching at this young age, he might be testing the waters. He’s trying to see what the reaction of other children will be. Kids who do this generally aren’t used to being around other children as much, or they may have certain chemistry with specific children. Just like adults, not all kids can be expected to like each other. This doesn’t make the behavior acceptable and it’s important to talk to your child about how these actions will affect another person’s feelings. It may take some work for your child to understand that other people have feelings too. Children don’t start understanding that other people have feelings until about the age of four. Remember to be patient and understanding. Children are not malicious or mean by nature.
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Finally, make sure that when you are disciplining your child for bad behavior away from home, you take into consideration any type of punishments he’s already received such as time-outs or detentions. You want your child to behave appropriately, but you don’t want him to be angry due to multiple punishments. Let him know that he’s already done his time, but that you are aware of the situation and want to help him to avoid it in the future. If you find yourself in a situation where your child isn’t improving, he may be in the wrong environment. You can’t take older kids out of school, but you may need to change teachers. I have personally had to remove my child from a specific preschool because it wasn’t meeting my daughter’s needs. I will talk more about that in a future episode, but the result was the same. When placed in the correct environment for her needs and abilities, my daughter has been able to thrive in preschool. By being an attentive parent and taking the initiative to know what is going on with your children when they are away from home, you can almost always discover the reason for bad behavior and take the steps to correct it.
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That’s it for now. I hope you’ve enjoyed the show. Thank you for listening.
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The Mighty Mommy’s Quick and Dirty Tips for Practical Parenting is part of the Quick and Dirty Tips network at quickanddirtytips.com. This week Grammar Girl is talking about subject-verb agreement so be sure to check out her podcast!
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This is your friend the Mighty Mommy wishing you happy and fun parenting!
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Music – “Golly Gee” Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons “Attribution 2.0” https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/“
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 Children Fighting image courtesy of Shutterstock