Out of Control
We need to recognize and appreciate our children’s individuality.
Cherylyn Feierabend
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Out of Control
Hey there! You’re listening to the Mighty Mommy with some quick and dirty tips for practical parenting.
Do you ever feel like your children are out of control? Maybe you just feel like you have no control over them. Well, both of these things are true. You may have some effect on how your children behave, but ultimately, they still have their own minds and will continue to make decisions on their own, whether you like it or not.
As parents, we need to recognize and appreciate our children’s individuality. Unfortunately, our children are often likely to express their individuality at the most inconvenient times. Both of my kids would love to choose their own bedtimes; or rather, choose not to have bedtimes at all. I can put on their pajamas. I can tell them to go to their rooms. I can even pick them up and place them in their beds, but I certainly cannot make them go to sleep. They can choose to fight it as long as possible until they pass out from sheer exhaustion.
Similarly, I can offer them healthy food options and request that they eat a good meal, but I can’t force feed them. They have to make the decision to put the food into their own mouths. As parents, there are so many things we decide for our kids that it’s a wonder they ever make any decisions for themselves. We choose their food, their clothes, their schedules, and even their friends. As kids get older, they’ll be more apt to let you know that they have a difference of opinion, but until they can effectively communicate this, you need to give them the opportunity to make some choices on their own.
Certain things, such as bedtime, may be non-negotiable. You’ll have to put your foot down and offer some type of incentive. One that works well for me is, “If you go to sleep now, you’ll have more energy to play tomorrow and we’ll be able to have more fun.” Another incentive is to offer a choice. “If you agree to stay in bed, I’ll read an extra story for you. Which book would you like?” This gets the child’s mind off of the negative task at hand and focuses him on something he does want. This could work with other issues as well. “You need to eat a vegetable with your dinner. Would you prefer corn or green beans?” This will only work if you have a couple options available. Don’t go crazy making different food items in the hope that your child will pick one; he may not want any of them.
The idea behind giving choices is that it lets your child know that you care about his opinions and his desires. It also gives him the experience of actually having to choose. I’m terrible at decision making. When my husband asks me where I want to go for dinner, I generally try to hide until he makes the choice without me.
Finally, make sure you listen to what your kids are telling you. Sometimes it’s enough for you to just hear what they are telling you. My daughter will be wearing dark green pants with a light green shirt and suddenly she insists on wearing her bright pink and red Hello Kitty socks. I’ve already picked out a nice matching pair of green socks, but she is telling me that the Hello Kitty socks are her favorite today and she absolutely must wear them. Two things have to happen at this moment. First, I have to stop and listen to what she is saying. “I want to wear these socks.” Second, I have to decide if it matters. Does it? Nope. It absolutely does not matter. It’s just a pair of socks. She doesn’t match, but she’s happy and it’s certainly not hurting anyone. Her shoes cover most of her socks anyway, right? Don’t forget to choose your battles and remember that sometimes, it’s nice to let other people make the decisions so you don’t have to.
That’s it for now.
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