Who are You the Boss of?
When is it OK to discipline other people’s kids?
Cherylyn Feierabend
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Who are You the Boss of?
Hey there! You’re listening to the Mighty Mommy with some quick and dirty tips for practical parenting.
Melinda writes
I was hoping you could provide some advice about disciplining my friends’ children. What is appropriate, if it is appropriate at all?
Melinda, this is a very touchy topic. It’s definitely not a black and white topic. There is so much grey area that ideas and opinions are sure to overlap. Should you discipline other people’s children when they are not in your care? Probably not. There are different relationships or situations in which the answer will be different, of course.
Dangerous Situations
It goes without saying that regardless of whose children are involved, if a child is in danger, you should intervene. If Joey is punching or biting Kenny, as a parent, you should ask Joey to stop or help remove Kenny from the dangerous situation. Sometimes it’s as simple as asking, “Joey, what are you doing?” or “Where is your mom?” You can’t put Joey in time-out unless he’s been left directly in your care so you are better off just letting him know you are watching. Also, let him know that you’ll be advising his mom of his behavior and then be sure to do so. It’s important to note that there may or may not be a reason why Joey’s parent didn’t intervene. Either way, I’d recommend that you let Joey’s parent know exactly what transpired and how you handled it.
Keeping the Peace in Your Own Home
If children are in your home and their parents are not present, you are taking responsibility for them. In cases where the children are older and you aren’t babysitting as much as you are supervising, you may feel uncertain about disciplining them. If you are unsure of your authority to discipline the child, you should discuss this with the parent of the visiting child prior to the visit. Even if you haven’t had a discussion ahead of time, a quick phone call to the parent of the visiting child should give you the information you need. If the other parent chooses not to have disciplinary action taken, you may need to request that the child return home. Depending on the infraction, you may or may not need to remove the child from the activity and sometimes just letting the kid know you’ll be calling “Mom” is enough to modify the behavior.
Ruffians in Public
When you are in public you are absolutely responsible for your own children and any children specifically left in your care. You are not responsible for other people’s kids. There are times, however, where you may feel the need to step in. As I previously mentioned, you can and should take action if someone is in danger. You should not, however, concern yourself with the behavior of other people’s kids even if they are behaving in a way you would not tolerate. An example might be screaming. I remember taking my daughter to play areas when she was smaller and several children would start screaming like banshees and run wildly around the play area. While this was probably fun for them and not entirely dangerous, I didn’t find it to be acceptable behavior. I pulled my daughter aside and asked her to behave properly as some people may not have enjoyed the high pitched squeals she was emitting. My daughter complied with my wishes. The other children did continue to run amok and eventually the screaming annoyed me enough that I simply gathered my things and relocated. In another instance, there was a young boy throwing Matchbox cars around the room. He wasn’t throwing them at other children, but one could have easily hit someone accidentally. In this situation I felt strongly compelled to tell this little boy to stop throwing his cars. His mom was sitting nearby, however and I opted, instead, to address her directly. This could have been disastrous of course, but I didn’t say what was on my mind: “Please control your child.” Instead, I said, “Your son threw one of his cars and almost hit himself in the head with it. I just don’t want him to get hurt so I thought I’d let you know.” She didn’t get angry with me for interfering because I appeared to be concerned about the welfare of her child and she stopped the behavior.
When you are making the decision to discipline other people’s children, it’s important to use your best judgment and always take into consideration your relationship with the parents. Sometimes you’ll know what is acceptable and sometimes you’ll need to ask for clarification. The best thing to do is keep the lines of communication open, be safe, and stay positive. Remember that it’s easier to tell your child to walk away than it is to make someone else’s child change their behavior.
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Children Fighting image courtesy of Shutterstock