Why Yelling at Your Kids Doesn’t Work.
Generally, unless the house is on fire or some dangerous event will take place without a very loud warning, yelling is probably not necessary.
Cherylyn Feierabend
Listen
Why Yelling at Your Kids Doesn’t Work.
Hey there! You’re listening to the Mighty Mommy with some quick and dirty tips for practical parenting.
I’ll never forget this one particular instance in my childhood. Our cat was a new mommy to several adorable little kittens. I don’t remember what we’d done wrong that day, but my dad was angry. He’d lined my brothers and me up in a row to yell at us about whatever rule one or all of us had broken that day. As he was yelling, the very curious kittens begin to climb him. I mean this in the most literal way. They ascended his legs and a couple even perched on his shoulders meowing with their tiny little voices the entire time. My dad was a tall and scary man when he was angered, yet my brothers and I could not suppress our giggles. I doubt that any of us remembers what we were in trouble for that day, but I always remember the incident when my children laugh at me for yelling at them.
You heard me right. When I lose my temper, my kids laugh at me. They think it’s pretty funny when Mommy gets “all loud and noisy.” I think our kids are much more in tune with us than we realize. If I’m at the point where I’m actually yelling at them, it’s as though they know that I’m not really in control anymore. I wish I could say that I don’t ever yell, but I’m only human. I yell at my husband, my kids, and my deaf cat. They all pretty much respond the same way. They just look at me funny and wait for me to finish. I have yet to have a situation where yelling at someone in anger was ever the right action to take. Generally, unless the house is on fire or some dangerous event will take place without a very loud warning, yelling is probably not necessary.
The way your child reacts to you yelling may not be the same as my kids’ reactions. Yelling may scare your child or anger them into retaliation. There is rarely going to be any positive response. It’s true that your kid may sense your anger the fifth or tenth time you yell at them to clean their room and they might finally go in there and start doing as they’ve been instructed, but there are much better ways to communicate. Yelling may very well leave you flustered and angrier than you were when you started. You could even wind up with a self-induced headache or sore throat.
I’ve noticed that when I’m yelling, it’s usually because I want something to change right now and it’s not happening. In other words, I’m not getting my way. If you find yourself frustrated and unable to communicate in a civil tone, I recommend that you take a deep breath, count to ten, and try a different method to get your point across.
One method I recommend is one I’ve talked about in a previous episode. It works for me most of the time. Say your child’s name in a non-accusatory tone. As if your next sentence might be “would you like ice cream?” Then when your child is actually looking at you with the intention of hearing you, firmly say what you need to say. At this point your child has to actually choose to hear you or ignore you. It’s harder to ignore someone while you are looking into their eyes. Another suggestion is to remove environmental influences. In other words, turn off the TV. Seriously, my kids are easily distracted by anything shiny, noisy, or moving. The attention span of a child is directly related to the joy the child will receive from the task currently in possession of that attention. My request to “please pick up the crayons and put them away” is definitely not as fun as the crayons’ request to “please draw happy faces on Mommy’s shopping list.”
As a parent, you can expect to repeat yourself more often than you’d like, but try to remember that if your children can hear you and aren’t responding, raising your voice is going to raise your blood pressure and cause more of the tension that you are already experiencing. Unfortunately, I know that I’m probably not done yelling at my kids, my husband, or my deaf cat. I will, however, continue to try to find other ways to get their attention in a more positive manner. The results are usually better for everyone involved, when Mommy is able to keep her cool and find better ways to communicate.
That’s it for now. I hope you’ve enjoyed the show. Thank you for listening.
If you’d like to request a topic for the Mighty Mommy you can e-mail me directly at mommy@quickanddirtytips.comcreate new email.
This is your friend the Mighty Mommy wishing you happy and fun parenting!
Mother Yelling image courtesy of Shutterstock