5 Ways to Cope With Secondary Infertility
Struggling to get pregnant for a second time after having an easy time conceiving your first baby is painful and confusing. Mighty Mommy has 5 tips to help cope when battling secondary infertility.
Secondary infertility refers to a couple’s inability to conceive a baby after having unprotected intercourse for at least a year, even though they’ve had at least one child in the past, either together or with a previous partner. Couples who have had a previous pregnancy often think of themselves as having “normal” fertility, but this isn’t always the case.
This scenario can be particularly frustrating for couples who had no trouble conceiving the first time around. It gets even worse as they watch friends and family members effortlessly having second or third babies. Couples facing secondary infertility usually experience some unique emotional turmoil, such as shame, anxiety, depression, and even guilt for wanting a second child so badly when there are so many couples experiencing infertility the first time around. A sense of loss is often felt about “what could have been” if they were able to add another sibling to their family unit like they had planned.
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Although Mighty Mommy never suffered from secondary infertility, I did struggle with primary infertility for 6 years before we adopted our first child. Ironically enough, I then went on to deliver 7 biological babies, so I can definitely relate to the physical and emotional roller coaster ride of fertility treatment and heartache. It is definitely one of the most trying times a couple will ever face.
Today I have 5 coping strategies for couples dealing with the pain of secondary infertility:
Tip #1: See Your Doctor or a Fertility Specialist
If you feel you’ve waited long enough and are anxiety-ridden about conceiving another child, don’t wait any longer—schedule an appointment with your Ob/Gyn to discuss your concerns. The key is being able to address this situation with a doctor you are comfortable with and who isn’t going to make light of this. There are basic medical screening tests that can be done that are not invasive and could be a tremendous help in diagnosing something simple like an ovulation issue. If the doctor feels more tests are warranted, at least now you’ve got the ball rolling and will hopefully get some answers rather than waiting it out each month.
Tip #2: Stop Living in Two-Week Increments
I know this is a basic one but it’s so common it deserves special mention. When you’re trying to conceive, your life can easily fall into two-week increments: the two weeks you wait for ovulation, followed by the two weeks you wait to take a pregnancy test. The worst part about this is there are no breaks; there’s no anxiety-free time. Either you’re anxious about ovulating or anxious to find out if you’re finally pregnant.
Although I’m now blessed with 8 beautiful children, I can remember that awful waiting. I, too, lived my life in two-week increments based on ovulation, having sex (if that’s what we could call it), and then the intense two-week waiting game would begin again as we wondered if I’d see that plus sign on one of the hundreds of pregnancy test sticks I purchased over that six-year time period.
If I had it to do all over again, I wouldn’t have wasted so much precious time worrying about what was going to happen based on my cycle every month. This is no way to live! Of course you can’t be expected not to experience stress and low moments while trying to get pregnant again, but try to find some simple ways to live in the moment while you’re on this journey. Hug your first child a little tighter, steal some alone time with your partner to catch a movie, dive into a hobby to divert your attention, and don’t forget to take care of yourself with , getting enough sleep, and . Even if you spend a small portion of each day not thinking about ovulation or pregnancy, you will be doing yourself and your family a big favor.
Tip #3: Don’t Wait to Live Your Life as a Family
It’s easy to get sucked into society’s limited definition of what the all-American family should look like. Families today are unique and diverse. We don’t have to have 2.5 kids, a dog and live in a suburban home with a white picket fence to be considered a family. If you’ve wanted to start some , but are waiting until your family grows before doing so, start them anyway! Maybe you have been yearning to plant a tree for each child in a grandparent’s yard, but thought you should wait and plant them all together. Go ahead and plant one now knowing that this symbolizes your current child growing and thriving. Perhaps you want to start collecting holiday ornaments for your children. Again, there’s no reason to put your family traditions and values on hold until your second baby arrives. You can use this time to build a strong family foundation that will be full of love and creativity when your family does expand.
Tip #4: Keep Sex Intimate, Not a Chore
When trying to get pregnant, sex can be fun and exhilarating at first. But as the months (or years) go by, sex can turn into a source of frustration, stress, and worst of all, an unpleasant chore. The lack of spontaneity can disappear quickly leaving both partners feeling exhausted, disappointed, and frustrated. I know it’s not as simple as lighting some romantic candles or playing sexy music in the background, but try to connect with one another on a sensual level and not just a “baby making” level. Create intimacy by talking to one another so that you both don’t end up resenting your time together. Ask one another questions about what might make it fun in the bedroom again. One of Mighty Mommy’s friends is now struggling with secondary infertility and she and her husband have turned to the pleasure of some sperm-friendly lubricants such as Pre Seed, Conceive Plus, and Conceive Ease. That alone has added some spice into their pre-planned baby-making dates.
Tip #5: Don’t Suffer in Silence
Couples experiencing secondary infertility often get a bad rap because others can’t relate to the intense feelings of shame, guilt, and impatience they are facing because they already have one or two healthy children to love. You don’t have to tell everyone about your fertility challenges, but keeping it completely secret may do more harm than good. When you keep something like that a secret, it festers and the pain you’re feeling can grow and grow leading to other problems in your marriage, career, or worse.
Exposing your fertility challenges to even one friend could lighten your load and bring you some relief. Consider carefully who you would want to share this delicate information with before you go blurting it out at to a casual PTO mom friend or someone that you don’t trust completely. This will also benefit your relationship with your partner because he won’t be the only one you dump on when you’re having a bad time with all of this.
Are you experiencing secondary infertility and have some coping strategies that are helping you along? Share your thoughts in the comment section or post your ideas on the Mighty Mommy Facebook page. You can also connect with me on Twitter @MightyMommy or e-mail me at mommy@quickanddirtytips.comcreate new email. Visit my family-friendly boards at Pinterest.com/MightyMommyQDT.
Enjoy the special time you have with your child each and every day as you wait for your family to grow. And don’t forget to show yourself a little TLC each and every day! Until next time happy parenting!
Worried Woman and Intimate Couple images from Shutterstock