How to Share Parenting Advice
Learning to respect and appreciate differing parenting styles.
Cherylyn Feierabend
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How to Share Parenting Advice
Originally I was going to start by saying that I’m not usually a “rah rah” and all that type of person, but the fact is, I am exactly that type of person. So, now that I’ve admitted to that personality trait, I’m going to use it to its fullest when I remind you that you are a great parent and you are doing the best job you can. People in general need to be encouraged. We need support and affirmation that we are doing a good job. When it comes to parenting, this is crucial. I’ve had days where I feel like a complete failure as a parent. Those are rough days and I’m sure most of us deal with them. When you are having a rough day or you are faced with a parenting challenge, where do you turn? Can you ask your spouse for help? Do you have a group of supportive friends, or that one friend who always listens and encourages you in the right direction? Are you that friend? I always try to be that friend, when I can and only when it’s appropriate.
How to Share Parenting Advice
When it comes to helping each other out, parents need to be cautious. Telling someone else how to parent their child, or worse, telling them that they are doing it wrong can be devastating to a friendship. It’s extremely important to realize that not all parents will use the same methods for child rearing and not all methods will work the same from child to child. So, unless someone is actually asking for your advice, it might be a good idea to keep your suggestions to yourself. Even when you are presented with a friend asking, “What should I do?” you should still tread carefully over the subject. Avoid blaming terms like, “You know he behaves that way because you …” You can fill in the … with any type of negative action–“let him get away with it,” “don’t read to him enough.” You get the idea. If someone asks you for help, I’ve found the best way to respond is to say something like, “I tried doing this and it worked for me. Maybe it will work for you too.” Then give the suggestion in a positive manner. “I started reading to my son an extra 15 minutes every night and I found that he was more willing to stay in the bed. Maybe you could spend a few extra minutes reading at night and see if it will make a difference.” In this example, you are reassuring your friend that, yes, you too have experienced the same issue. Then, you are providing a solution that worked for you. That offers understanding and an actionable suggestion, which, if your friend really did ask you for help, they can now try. Remember, however, you don’t want to offer a suggestion unless your friend is requesting one. If you aren’t certain, you can always ask, “Are you asking me for a suggestion?” Sometimes people just want to vent their frustrations. Offering unwanted advice can often aggravate them further. Be sensitive to this and you’ll have more success in dealing with these situations.
Respect Different Methods of Parenting
Now, I’m not one to call out when someone has disrespected my parenting methods, but it has happened. Just like anyone else, my feelings were hurt when someone basically accused me of being a bad parent. OK, maybe they didn’t exactly say that, but that’s how it felt. I never want to or intend to make anyone else feel that way. I’m sure none of us do. So, keep this in mind before you start criticizing someone else’s parenting styles and absolutely think before you speak. Whether you believe that children should or should not have TVs in their rooms, or whether they should be allowed snacks between meals, you cannot and should not force your beliefs on another person. What works for one person and their kids may or may not work for you. If someone says to you, “I can’t believe you feed your kids that junk.” You probably wouldn’t appreciate it. If there is an absolute safety concern, then you should contact the correct people to take action; but unless there is any immediate danger, you should consider keeping your opinion to yourself.
Follow the Golden Rule
When all else fails and I’m not sure what position I want to take, I remember that old golden rule: Do unto others as you’d have them do unto you. Thinking before you speak is really a learned skill. It’s one I have yet to master myself, but I am constantly trying. If you suddenly have the urge to share your opinion with someone about their parenting techniques, stop and think. Would you want these words said to you? Are they going to be more helpful or more hurtful? Can you offer to suggest an alternate method before you suggest the method itself? Remember, we are all in this together. Parents all have their challenges and struggles. You have yours, I have mine, and our friends have theirs. We need to be supportive and kind to one another so that we can encourage one another to be the best parents we can be. We do so much to ensure that our children have the best lives possible; one of the great things we can offer our children is the opportunity to see us treating one another with love and respect. Modeling this behavior will set the example for them moving forward. Take a few minutes today to let your fellow parents know that they are doing a great job, because you are all raising your children the best you can and a little encouragement and recognition can go a long way.
That’s it for now. Thanks for reading.
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