10 Tips for Talking to Kids About Sex
Talking to kids about sex used to mean one awkward sit-down for “the talk.” But these days, there’s so much more to talk about—media coverage of sexual assaults on college campuses, “yes means yes” affirmative consent laws, hookup culture, the accessibility of online porn—it’s a complicated world out there. This week, Savvy Psychologist Dr. Ellen Hendriksen offers ten tips to navigate the treacherous world of talking to your kids about sex.
When it comes to talking to kids about sex, it can be tempting to point out a shiny object and make a run for it. So before you tell your kid a period is punctuation at the end of a sentence, here are ten ways to talk to kids about sex. You won’t even be tempted to say, “Go ask Siri.”
Tip #1: Take the initiative. A 2014 survey found that by the time their kids were 21 years old, 1 in 5 parents had never talked to their kids about birth control, saying no to sex, or where to access accurate information about sex.
Waiting for your kids to ask questions is one option, but it might not be the best. According to a 2012 survey, half of teens rated talking about sex with parents as uncomfortable, compared to just 19% of parents. The takeaway: they’re more embarrassed than you, and therefore might not initiate. Plus, a 2015 survey of tween and teen girls found that 11-16 year-olds wanted to be taught more about relationships, consent, pornography, and domestic violence by teachers and parents.
So start the conversation—in the absence of confident and early communication from parents around sex, other sources—many of dubious quality, like porn and misinformed peers with older brothers—magically expand to fill the void.
Tip #2: Remember it’s not “the talk,” it’s an ongoing conversation. We may picture “the sex talk” as a one-time awkward, eye-rolling lecture, but in reality, it should be a long, building dialogue throughout your child’s development, beginning with simple anatomy and working up towards more hot-button issues, like readiness for sex and consent.
Why is the gradual approach so helpful? It lays an ever-strengthening foundation, it matches your kids’ growing sophistication over time, and, with one or more sessions behind you, shows your kids that you’re a safe person to talk to. Plus, a 2008 study in the journal Pediatrics found that teens whose communication with parents about sex was repeated over time experienced these dialogues as more open, felt closer to their parents, and felt more comfortable talking to their parents not only about sex, but their lives in general.
So rather than trying to cram every tidbit into a single, angsty sit-down, relax. Turn it into ongoing conversation, and everyone will benefit for it.
Tip #3: Bring it up as the topic arises naturally. Usually, marching up to your kid and announcing, “It’s time to have a talk, son,” just makes everyone uncomfortable. Instead, use media, images, or people to naturally spark the conversation. A pregnant relative, an ad advocating body acceptance, or a comedy bit about the awkwardness of puberty can all work. Indeed, for better or worse, in western culture, with sexual images used to sell everything from fast food to web hosting, almost anything can be used as a springboard to conversation about sex.
Teachable moments that require a talk will also pop up in your child’s life. For instance, if you find out your kid has accidentally (or accidentally-on-purpose) seen porn, talk with them about what real sex might look like and how it’s way different than porn, as well as having them critique the gender dynamics.
And don’t forget that you need not, and should not, do all the talking. Listening respectfully and non-judgmentally to their concerns is equally important to the wisdom you share.
Next, different ages require different approaches. With little kids, you can start with some simple basics.
Tip #4: Start early. Accurate anatomical language can be used from day one. You call a nose a nose and an elbow an elbow, so why not call a vagina a vagina? Using code words implies there’s something shameful about their parts, or that they’re so secretive they can’t be named.
A little later, you can start conversing about sex and birth. How early? Maybe earlier than you think, but let me tell you why. If you start talking before they’re six, they’re not embarrassed. After that, their awareness has grown and they start to get grossed out, which makes sex and birth harder to talk about.
Indeed, I’ve seen this to be true. My oldest son has had questions about how babies are made twice—once when he was just 4 and once more recently, at age 7. The difference between the two conversations was striking. At age 4, he got his question answered and moved on (even if I had to take a minute to recover). But at age 7, he was a little appalled and wondered out loud if he’d ever “do that.”
By the same token, a friend of mine decided to explain the mechanics of sex to all three of her kids at once: ages 9, 7, and 5. Only the 5-year-old didn’t blanch, while the other two were horrified: “Dad did that to you three times?” the eldest asked. In recounting the story, we whooped with laughter—yes, only three times in total.
Tip #5: Let your kid decide with whom to be affectionate. Another tip for young kids that lays a solid foundation for later is not to force them to be physically affectionate to visitors or relatives. And while in many ways it’s a big jump from not forcing your daughter to kiss tipsy great Aunt Maizie goodnight to getting consent from a partner in college, in others, it’s not.
And while in many ways it’s a big jump from not forcing your daughter to kiss tipsy great Aunt Maizie goodnight to getting consent from a partner in college, in others, it’s not.
A young child can’t separate mind and body. If his body is forced to do something his mind doesn’t want, it’s confusing and distressing. By showing you respect your child’s body and space, you’ll help your kid cultivate that same awareness and respect for his own personal boundaries.
Of course, she needs to get her bum wiped before she leaves the bathroom, and spontaneous affection is one of the highlights of parenting. It’s not all or nothing—the point is that asking respectfully and normalizing the idea that her body is her own lays a foundation for the premise of consent in the future.
Then, when the time comes for your kid to start thinking about inviting others into his personal space, he’ll be equipped with a strong sense of boundaries that will make the concept of consent intuitive, rather than foreign and new.
Next, for older kids and teens, things can get more sophisticated:
Tip #6. Go beyond the mechanics of baby-making. While you may expect your kids to stick their fingers in their ears and sing-song “I can’t HEAR you!” at the first mention of touchy subjects like porn, consent, gender roles, or sexual violence, it’s been found that teenagers actually crave more, not less guidance from the adults in their lives, and not just about what goes where. Which brings us to…
Tip #7. Name the embarrassment. Own up to the fact that these are uncomfortable topics. Say “I know this is awkward, but I care about you, so it’s important to talk about this, even when it’s embarrassing.” You could even blame your role: “I’m your mom, so it’s my job to be embarrassing!”
Tip #8. Meet questions with questions. It’s hard to answer a touchy question out of context. Kids might be embarrassed and ask vague or somewhat alarming questions, like “Can you get pregnant the first time you have sex?” So gently find out what they already know. “What have you heard already?” or “What do you already know about that?” can give you some context and help you craft an answer without freaking out.
Tip #9. Give them the words. As soon as kids are able to speak, we tell them, “use your words.” But we don’t often talk about how to use their voices when it comes to sex. Especially for girls and young women, the prevailing message is often just to say a blanket “no.” Boys don’t have it any better—advice for them assumes they’re always the pursuers and advice focuses mostly on contraception and warnings involving shotguns.
So give them basic scripts. Tell them to pay attention to their partner’s body language and responsiveness (or lack thereof), and if it’s not totally obvious what they want, they have to ask. Give them specific words to ask permission: “Would you like it if I (fill in the blank)?” “Can I (fill in the blank again)?” can all be asked in a tone that doesn’t wreck the moment.
And since opening a door to physical intimacy by kissing a partner doesn’t entitle that partner to whatever else they might be expecting, also give young men and women words to turn a yes into a no: “I would rather not do that (because optional explanation here).” Or, “I’d like to (one thing) but not (another thing).”
Finally, assure them that a good partner wants to know where your boundaries are, and if you communicate boundaries and get a bad reaction, it’s time to turn whatever yes there was into a no.
And guess what? Though there are some naysayers, recent surveys on college campuses find that, in general, students feel great relief with “yes means yes” affirmative consent. Indeed, many young men and women find it a comfort not to have to guess and are relieved that simply not saying no doesn’t mean yes anymore.
Tip #10. Think about what you would have wished for. Many adults never had a “sex talk” with their own parents, meaning that a lot of us adults were left to fumble in the dark, both literally and figuratively.
So think: what lessons did you learn the hard way? Use your own experience to prompt what to say to your kids to help them avoid a similar awkward or hurtful conundrum.
Likewise, think about what misconceptions you picked up from peers, the media, or society at large along the way. Heterosexual boys, for example, might learn by osmosis that women are sexual gatekeepers, and that “the game” of dating or hooking up is to convince women to open those gates, perhaps through any means possible. Similarly, girls are guaranteed to receive the mixed messages of female sexuality as equally “slutty” and “empowered” and that a woman’s most lucrative currency is her sexuality. The take home: keep talking and challenge misconceptions together.
opens in a new window
It’s a complicated world out there, but you don’t have to have all the answers. The more important thing is to communicate authentically with your children over time. Talking may induce many an eye roll, but is the most powerful way to support kids as they chart their own course through the world as sexual beings and human beings.
For even more savvy, get every Savvy Psychologist episode delivered straight to your inbox by signing up for the Savvy Psychologist newsletter. Or subscribe to the podcast on iTunes or Stitcher, listen on Spotify, or like on Facebook.
You May Also Like…
About the Author
Dr. Ellen Hendriksen was the host of the Savvy Psychologist podcast from 2014 to 2019. She is a clinical psychologist at Boston University’s Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders (CARD). She earned her Ph.D. at UCLA and completed her training at Harvard Medical School. Her scientifically-based, zero-judgment approach is regularly featured in Psychology Today, Scientific American, The Huffington Post, and many other media outlets. Her debut book, HOW TO BE YOURSELF: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety, was published in March 2018.
