3 Steps to Get Out of Your Negativity Rut
Why concentrate on one insulting email and ignore the larger number of complimentary ones? Why walk out of a performance review feeling defeated because of one negative comment? Learn what science says about overcoming failure and accentuating the positive.
Lisa B. Marshall
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3 Steps to Get Out of Your Negativity Rut
It’s called critic’s math. Blogger Jon Acuff defines it as, “1 insult + 1,000 compliments = 1 insult.” That one insult may be the thing you obsess over, reason through, and try to figure out. And do you know why? Very likely it’s because of our innate fear of failure.
Why concentrate on one insulting email and ignore the larger number of complimentary ones? Why walk out of a performance review feeling defeated because of some constructive criticism? Why don’t we instead celebrate all the positives our boss pointed out?!
Why? Our brains are wired to pay more attention to negative things. Scientists think it’s part of our flight-or-fight response to help us recognize danger. Think of it like our brain laying down a pathway. The problem is, the more we stew in the negativity, the deeper the pathway becomes. Then we can get stuck in that negativity pathway.
So how do we climb out of the negative rut? We need to create and reinforce a new parallel route or a positive pathway that’s even deeper. We want that pathway to become the preferred route.
How do you do that? Here are 3 steps to help you get out of a negativity rut:
Step #1: Remember – You’ve Failed Before, and Survived!
Think back over the last few months. Is there a project, relationship, or goal that didn’t end up the way you wanted? Everyone experiences some type of failure. It’s a universal. Yet, you got through it. You are still here, reading this article. I’m not suggesting you dwell on failure, but instead see that you survived it. It may have been tough. It may have been exhausting. But you got through it, and you can (and will) get through it again.
So how do you kick start the process when you feel stuck at the bottom of the rut? It’s easier than you may think. Take action that shifts your focus away from the negative experience. Do something uplifting, fun, or mentally engaging. Simple things like physically moving to a new location or doing some exercise can make a big difference. Personally, I like to do something a bit more engaging and distracting, such as read a good book or go to the movies. For others, a good distraction may be playing music, exercising, or talking with friends. Any purposeful, enjoyable, or rewarding action will interrupt or counter the negativity. You need the interruption so that you are then able to take the next step toward positivity. And that is…
Step #2: Separate Failure From Experience
Some of the most successful people got that way because of “failures.” J.K Rowling, author of the wildly popular Harry Potter series was rejected numerous times before her novels were published.
She said, “So why do I talk about the benefits of failure? Simply because failure meant a stripping away of the inessential. You might never fail on the scale I did, but some failure in life is inevitable.”
As we look back on our work and life, we often discover that we learn the most from the times we fell down and had to get back up again, or had to work through a difficult project or relationship. It’s those experiences that gave us what we need to be successful in the future.
The necessary self-communication skill here is to be able to reframe a situation as positive. You need to find the silver lining or the positive possibilities that could come from experiencing a negative. Ask yourself, “What can I learn from this? What can I gain? How will this help me to be a better person?” By focusing on positive outcomes, you’re reducing the power of the negative and beginning to create a positive pathway instead.
But here’s the thing: it’s easy to fall back into the more established negative route.
Step #3: Reinforce the Positive
That’s why it’s also important to continue to reinforce your positive communication with yourself and with others. In his widely-acclaimed book, The Brain That Changes Itself: Stories of Personal Triumph from the Frontiers of Brain Science, Norman Doidge, MD clearly states that the brain has the capacity to rewire itself (form new neural pathways) if we do the work. And just like any strengthening exercise, the work requires activity and repetition to reinforce the new learning. We’ve always heard that positive thinking was a good idea, but now there’s some science to back it up!
I saw this principle in action when my Dad suffered a stroke, damaging areas of the brain that made it extremely difficult, in fact, impossible to read as before. Although it was an extremely difficult task, with time, he retrained his brain by using different pathways and he was again able to read.
So whenever you hear yourself say, “I can’t do this,” you need to retrain your brain to think a positive thought about your abilities instead. “I can do this, I just need to practice more” or “I can do this if I try another way.” You may even consider putting on your Nikes and reminding yourself, “Just Do It”!
Philosopher, John Dewey said, “Failure is instructive. The person who really thinks learns quite as much from his failures as from his successes.” Failure is inevitable from time to time. It will be sprinkled into your life and work for as long as you live. But it can be a gift. It’s a gift that matures you, gives you experience and perspective, and lets you help others facing similar challenges. And that can be a beautiful thing—not something to be afraid of.
This is Lisa B. Marshall, passionate about communication; your success is my business.
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About the Author
Lisa B. Marshall Lisa holds masters with duel degrees in interpersonal/intercultural communication and organizational communication. She’s the author of Smart Talk: The Public Speaker’s Guide to Success in Every Situation, as well as Ace Your Interview, Powerful Presenter, and Expert Presenter. Her work has been featured in CBS Money Watch, Ragan.com, Woman’s Day, Glamour, Cosmopolitan, and many others. Her institutional clients include Johns Hopkins Medicine, Harvard University, NY Academy of Science, University of Pennsylvania, Genentech, and Roche.