4 Tough Questions About Defiant Children
Mighty Mommy answers your tough questions about defiance based off her experience with her eight children.
One of my favorite things is interacting with our wonderful subscribers and listeners. Each week I receive e-mails, comments on Facebook and Twitter, and great suggestions from my followers on Pinterest about dozens of family-related topics. There is one topic, however, that really resonates with the majority of parents across the board and that topic is handling defiant children.
So, I’m going to answer a few of your toughest questions about defiance with tried and true strategies.
Question 1
Dear Might Mommy,
My 13 year old daughter has persistent, defiant traits that are driving me crazy such as not attending to house chores, being careless with expensive items like iPods and her cell-phone, and overall displaying a lazy attitude to life in general. I find myself nagging and barking out demands and threats on a regular basis but that’s not seeming to make a difference. I’m at wit’s end! Can you offer any suggestions to help?
Jennifer
Dear Jennifer,
Most parents can definitely relate to your situation, believe me, so please know you are not alone. But here’s the thing—nagging and arguing with your children (or anyone else for that matter) never works. Do you have any one in your life—a spouse, co-worker or maybe a parent or inlaw—who uses nagging as a means to try and change a behavior or situation they are not pleased with? When that happens, what do you do? Usually, you get frustrated with their badgering approach and then you simply tune them out.
It’s no different with kids. As parents, we can often get in a nagging rut—out of stress, sheer frustration, or just by habit—and so we do the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. It’s important to understand that nagging won’t get you anywhere—and will ultimately create a negative pattern between you and your child. The reason nagging doesn’t work is because kids understand that we are just going to say the same thing over and over and not follow through or hold them accountable. The more we nag, the more they disregard us and the rules we are trying to enforce, such as carrying out their chores. It becomes a vicious cycle. The good news is that when you can stop nagging and do things a little differently, your child will take notice. This new way of doing things may take time to be effective, but it will definitely capture your child’s attention. See Also: 5 Ways to Speak Positively to Children
Start by keeping it simple and focusing on just one chore at a time rather than overloading your child with a laundry list of what you expect to see them accomplish. Say, for instance, your child is supposed to unload the dishwasher, take out the garbage, and put their clean laundry away. In our household of eight kids, staying on top of the laundry is the priority, so I start there. This focus will help both you and your child set realistic expectations, follow through, and ultimately succeed.
Plan how you are going to intervene differently: We bark orders like: “Put your clean clothes away immediately—and I mean right now!” but then we neglect to follow through on the limits or consequences we’ve set. Instead, try saying calmly and with authority, “Your responsibility tonight is to put your clean laundry away in your dresser and your closet. Please get this done before you sit down to text your friends tonight.” And then turn around and leave the room. This gives you the power because you’re calm and in control.
Not nagging, pleading, or yelling may feel strange and uncomfortable to you at first. Act as if you are confident and you expect the chore to get done, no matter what. At first, this might mean you have to try and play the role of an award-winning actor, but when our kids see that there is a firm but positive change in our behavior, it will catch them off-guard and they will start to realize that nagging is a thing of the past and they won’t be able to play “victim” to our whining, desperate pleas for their help.
See Also: How to Get Kids to Help With Chores See Also: 5 Surefire Ways to Say No to Your Kids
Question 2
Mighty Mommy—Help! I have the world’s most defiant 5 year old girl. She back talks, throws tantrums, and thinks she can tell all the adults in her life what to do. I have tried everything I can think of to get her to behave. What advice can you share to help get her back on track? Rachel
Dear Rachel,
As overwhelming as this stage of parenting can be—not to worry—for the most part, it’s completely normal. It’s basically a test your child is giving to you, her parent. Tantrums usually result from one simple thing: a child not getting what she wants. When a child doesn’t get her way, she responds with frustration and, in order to get your attention, she throws a fit.
So how can you stop these outbursts? In my 22 years of parenting, the one thing that has worked hands down is ignoring your child’s outburst. Easier said than done, I know, but when you exert your authority during your child’s tantrum it only fuels the fire and gives him a reason to keep on acting out—because he knows you are reacting. There’s nothing to do in the moment that will make things better. In fact, almost anything you try will make it worse. Once he settles down, then you can try to connect with him. See Also: A Surprising Solution For Toddler Temper Tantrums
Next, give your child some breathing room. Sometimes when your child is hot and bothered, the best thing you can do is just let him let off steam. Give him some space to yell, kick the ground, or cry his head off. Combine this with ignoring the tantrum and you will begin to make an impact. By giving him space, you allow him to get his feelings out, pull himself together, and regain self-control—without engaging in a yelling match with you.
One of my favorite strategies is to simply give a hug! You may think this is totally ridiculous when your child is having a major meltdown, but giving your child a loving hug when a tantrum has occurred sends the message that you love him—no matter what—and it offers your child a place of safety when he or she is emotionally not able to handle their situation. See Also: How To Handle a Temper Tantrum
Question 3
Hello Mighty Mommy. I am a single mother of 4 children. My second son is being very disrespectful and defiant. Besides not wanting to help around the house or do his homework, he picks on his younger brother by stealing his toys and is constantly verbally abusive towards him. I feel helpless and nothing I’m doing is really making a lasting difference with his behavior. I’m tired and cranky now, too. What else can I do? Saundra
Dear Saundra,
Parenting can be challenging enough when you have an involved partner, but doing it alone is certainly even more difficult. In my own experience with a kid who acts mean towards another sibling, it is usually a result of the defiant child not knowing how to handle his own emotions because he’s struggling with a difficult issue of his own.
For starters, it’s important to remain calm and in control when you are in the midst of a situation with siblings treating each other poorly. If you can stay calm and don’t overreact, you will be teaching your children how to manage their feelings in an appropriate way. If you’ve just walked into the kitchen and witnessed your child yelling at his brother because he didn’t like the fact that he was having a snack while he had to take out the garbage, rather than being tempted to yell back, instead calmly invite him to join you for a snack and then comment quietly and privately “Hey, what’s got you upset right now because you know that in our family we treat each other with kindness, not anger?” He might be too angry to respond in an appropriate manner, but you’re letting him know that you see that he’s having difficulty controlling his own behavior and you’re more interested in finding out what’s bothering him and causing him to act out rather than calling him out on what he’s doing wrong. See Also: 5 Ways to Squash Sibling Squabbles
If your kids have not learned how to deal with angry emotions, they need to learn ways to blow off steam so they aren’t abusive to others or even themselves. As adults, many of us never learned to control our emotions when we were kids so when something goes wrong in our world and we fly off the handle in front of our kids, we are modeling for them that reacting with anger is normal. Say you’re driving to soccer practice and you get cut off by another driver when you’re trying to turn into the parking lot. If you lose your cool and lay on the horn and scream at the other driver, you’re teaching your child that it’s OK to treat other people poorly just because they’ve aggravated you. Try to catch yourself in these situations and say, “Gee, Mom needs to take a few deep breaths right now because that other driver really didn’t pay attention and follow the rules. I hope he had a good reason for being so careless.” You’re planting seeds about how to react when someone does something that could easily anger you. When you continually model calm behavior for your kids in real-life situations, they will learn how to do the same in their daily world. See Also: Savvy Psychologists 8 Tips to Improve Your Self-Control
Many times poor behavior towards another sibling stems from the child wanting and needing more one-on-one attention from you. That can be a tall order, I know, when you’re already working hard all day long to juggle work, running a household, and caring for four kids. Look for ways you can grab even 10–15 minutes of alone time with each of your kids throughout the week where the focus is solely on them. Maybe this time can be early in the morning before your other kids get up, or after dinner when you’re doing the dishes. It doesn’t have to be an elaborate setting as long as you’re connecting with each child alone on a regular basis. This little bit of bonding time when things are going well may help diffuse some bouts of sibling outbursts in the future.
Question 4
Hey Mighty Mommy. What are one or two strategies I can put into place that will make a difference down the road when it comes sending the message to my kids that I won’t tolerate rude and defiant behavior in our family? Matt
Hi Matt,
Great question. I really believe that a large factor in helping our kids live respectful, compliant lives is by giving them consistent, clear expectations right from the get go. Consistency is key if you don’t want to reinforce bad habits. Once your child is old enough to understand that behaviors have consequences, don’t give him repeat chances. This just teaches him that you aren’t serious and he can get away with this behavior a few more times because he knows you won’t take your own rules seriously.
If your son calls his friend’s mother a “fat butt” when you arrive for a play date, you firmly say, “You know we don’t talk like that. We’re going home now so you can spend some time thinking about what you said,” and leave immediately after he apologizes. Do not bargain with your child, don’t offer ice cream or money in return for better behavior. This is possibly the most damaging thing a parent or caregiver can do. You are only enabling the poor behavior and can count on much worse in the future because they’re going to see how far they can push you before you strike another bargain.
I ‘m also big on always building on the positive.
Make sure that you build on the positive attitudes and actions of your children. Praise your children for their positive behaviors, while rewarding them when they show a cooperative attitude. Positive reinforcement can go a long way in raising a responsible child.
Do you have a defiant child? How are you handling his/her behavior? Let me know in Comments or post it on the Mighty Mommy Facebook page. You can also connect with me on Twitter @MightyMommy or e-mail me at mommy@quickanddirtytips.comcreate new email.
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