7 Simple Ways to Get Your Kids to Listen
When kids consistently don’t listen, it can make any parent lose their mind. Mighty Mommy knows all too well how frustrating it can be to communicate clearly with children – only to have them ignore you in the process! Here are her 7 simple ways to get a kid’s attention, once and for all.
Cheryl Butler
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7 Simple Ways to Get Your Kids to Listen
As a parent, one of my biggest frustrations is realizing my child isn’t listening to me when I’m talking. It can be something as simple as my asking how her day at school was and, if I’m lucky, just hearing her breathe heavily in return. Even more annoying is when I ask in simple terms to have a particular chore done, or leave a gentle reminder to get homework done right after dinner, only to find out that not only was my request was not carried out, but that the reason was, “Sorry Mom, I didn’t hear you!”
When kids consistently don’t listen, it can’t make any parent want to lose their mind. Of course, it’s normal for kids to be non-compliant and argumentative sometimes. However, if not addressed, this can lead to bad habits and disrespectful behavior in the long run. Having been through this with my own 8 kids, I know all too well how frustrating it can be to communicate clearly with children, only to have them ignore me in the process. So today, I’m sharing my 7 simple ways to get their attention, once and for all!.
Tip # 1: Connect Before You Speak
Tip # 1: Connect Before You SpeakDon’t start talking until you have your child’s attention. Connect before you start speaking.
That means you can’t yell orders from another room and expect your child to listen, never mind respond. Instead, move in close, get down on your child’s level, and even touch him lightly to get his attention. Observe what he’s doing and connect with him by making a comment about it: “Hey, I love that Minecraft world you’re building!” This acknowledges respect for his activities, too.
Next, wait until he looks up. Look him in the eye, then start talking. If he doesn’t look up, make sure you have his attention by asking, “Can I tell you something?” When he looks up, then start talking.
A simple change in the way you word something can also greatly improve your chances of getting a kid to comply. One of the best strategies is to tell a kid to do something–don’t ask. Only phrase it as a question if they really do have a choice.
For example, if you want your tween to take out the garbage before dinner, don’t say, “Can you please take out the trash?” Even a mildly oppositional child is going to say, “No!” Instead, say, “Please take the trash out before we eat dinner.” See Also: 6 Ways to be a Calmer Parent
Tip # 2: Ask Kids to Repeat Back What They’ve Heard
This is a tip my parents always reinforced when I was growing up. After you give an instruction to your child, ask him to repeat back what he heard. This can ensure that he understands what is expected of him. Plus, this provides an opportunity to provide clarification if there’s any misunderstanding.
Tip #3: Watch Your Tone
Tip #3: Watch Your ToneHow you say something is as important as what you say–if not more so. Even if you’re tired and frustrated, refrain from screeching or barking out a request. Instead, use an up-beat, positive tone as much as possible.
When indicating limits, be sure to sound definite and confident. Any hint of uncertainty and you’re more likely to be ignored or debated (think “But please, can’t I just…”)
To indicate disapproval, use a firmer, lower, authoritative tone, but don’t shout. See Also: 5 Ways to Speak Positively to Your Children
Above all, try your best to avoid nagging. Ask once nicely, once firmly, and then take action. If you typically repeat yourself several times before you take action, your child will learn to ignore your initial requests–and this pattern will last well into their teen years, so lay a consistent foundation as early as possible.
Tip #4: Choose Your Words Carefully
Most of us weaken our message and lose our child’s attention by using too many words. Use as few words as possible when you give instructions. Use clear commands, and keep requests brief and to the point.
For example, say you’re trying to get your child to brush his teeth before he gets ready for bed. Instead of going into a full-blown paragraph about why he needs to brush his teeth before bed, keep it simple: “Max, you need to brush your teeth now, because bedtime is in 10 minutes.”
And don’t criticize when giving your request –no, “Max, you are always so lazy—I better not have to repeat myself 10 times before you finally listen and brush your teeth!” And, just as key, don’t threaten your child. “Max, if don’t brush your teeth before bed they are all going to rot and fall out,” may not be the most effective tactic.
Tip #5: Engage Cooperation
No one wants to listen to someone who’s giving orders; in fact, it always backfires and causes opposition. Instead, keep your tone as loving as possible and, when possible, give choices. “It’s bath time, honey. Do you want to go now or in five minutes? Ok, so in five minutes you’re going to come to the tub without any fussing? Let’s do a high-five on it.”
If you really need it done now, phrase it as a command, but keep the warmth and empathy there: “We agreed to stop playing blocks and start bath time in five minutes, and it has been five minutes. I know you wish you could stay up and play all night. When you grow up, I bet you’ll do that! Now, it’s time to go get ready for your bath. Let’s go.” See Also: 10 Healthy Habits to Strengthen Your Family
Tip #6: Role Model Good Listening
This one’s for you: learn to be a good listener yourself! If you check your cell phone messages while your child tells you about his day, you’re role modeling that communication is not a priority in your house. If you really want your child to listen to you, listen to him.
Just stop what you’re doing and listen. It only takes a few minutes. Do this when he’s a preschooler and he’ll still be willing to talk to you when he’s a teenager. See Also: Become a Better Listener with Your Children
Tip #7: Reinforce Positive Behaviors
It’s important that you provide positive consequences to kids when they follow instructions correctly. Praise can be a great way to reinforce their good behaviors. Saying something such as, “Great job putting your clean laundry away the first time I asked you,” can encourage your child to do so again the next time you ask.
Rewards are another way to reinforce good behaviors. If your child has done a great job listening, sometimes a surprise reward can offer an extra incentive. For example, last week my 10-year old and 13-year old sons cleaned up their rooms like I had asked them to do when I left for work that morning. I came home to clean bedrooms–and as an extra bonus, they had put all their laundry away, too! Not only did I enthusiastically praise both of them about what a wonderful job they did, I surprised them the following afternoon by taking them out for ice cream as a reward for being such good listeners.
These techniques will not necessarily produce a compliant child, but they will help to produce a reasoning, thoughtful, free-thinking child that has a strong connection with his/her parents–which is something great to strive for. See Also: 6 Ways to Handle a Defiant Teen (Without Yelling)
What works for you in your family when trying to get your kids to listen to you? Share your thoughts in the comments section at quickanddirtytips.com/mighty-mommy, or post your ideas on the Mighty Mommy Facebook page. You can also connect with me on Twitter @MightyMommy or email me at mommy@quickanddirtytips.comcreate new email. Visit my family-friendly boards at Pinterest.com/MightyMommyQDT.
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About the Author
Cheryl L. Butler was the host of the Mighty Mommy podcast for nine years from 2012 to 2021． She is the mother of eight children. Her experiences with infertility, adoption, seven pregnancies, and raising children with developmental delays have helped her become a resource on the joys and challenges of parenting. You can reach her by email.