9 Ways to Stop Feeling Homesick
What do college students, deployed soldiers, recent immigrants, ex-pats, professionals in a new city, refugees, and kids at summer camp have in common? Just in time for the holiday season, Savvy Psychologist Dr. Ellen Hendriksen offers nine tips to battle homesickness.
Ellen Hendriksen, PhD
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9 Ways to Stop Feeling Homesick
Homesickness strikes almost everyone at some point in life. Even if you’re at Camp Winnipesaukee with Jimmy Fallon and Justin Timberlake, you may feel a longing to click your heels together and be transported to that place like no other.
Now, transient, nostalgia-like homesickness that doesn’t get in your way is common and nothing to worry about—time will cure all your yearnings. On the other hand, you may have a problem if you cross one of three lines. First, you may feel particularly lousy—specifically, depressed or anxious. Second, you may be withdrawing—for instance, you’d rather stay in and binge watch Mad Men on a beautiful Saturday than explore the market in your new Italian piazza. Third, you may have difficulty focusing on tasks that don’t remind you of home; for instance, all your conversations with potential new friends consist of comparing your new city to your old city, or you’re not sampling new cuisine because you’re busy searching out McDonald’s—and you don’t even like McDonald’s.
And homesickness isn’t just for college freshmen, study abroad, or summer camp. In our increasingly mobile society, relocation, whether for school or work, can be particularly tough. A 2013 meta-analysis in the prestigious journal Psychological Bulletinopens PDF file re-analyzed 277 studies and found that relocation, unsurprisingly, breaks up your social network. The effect on the individual is that you’re left without your role and reputation, which leaves you feeling overwhelmed, lost, or adrift. You want to be where you can find security, recognition, and love, which are all qualities associated with home. In short, you want to be where everybody knows your name.
So what to do when you’re longing for home? Here are nine tips to try. You don’t even have to click your heels together.
Tip #1: Create what’s been called “certainty anchors.” If running is vital to your health, prioritize finding “your” running route. If you’re a writer, find “your” cafe. Not only will you build a familiar, comfortable haunt, you’ll also feel more invested in the community.
Tip #2: Fight the urge to withdraw. One of the biggest symptoms of homesickness is withdrawal. Especially in cases where you have to speak a new language, it’s easier to stay inside or to max out time on social media with your friends back home. However, this will only prolong your agony. That said, if you’re feeling anxious and sad, don’t push too hard—no one expects you to be the life of the party in a new language. But at least get out by yourself. Go to a cafe and work on your laptop. Walk through the local market. With that under your belt, maybe next time around you’ll venture farther or feel brave enough to talk to the cute girl the next table over.
Tip #3: Give yourself permission to try something new. Every uprooting forces a recalibration of self-concept. It might be big, like a new college student finally deciding to come out of the closet, or smaller, like finally starting that blog after a midlife move. Being where nobody knows your name can be delicious permission to re-invent yourself or try something new.
Tip #4: Expect it to ebb and flow. With any new nest, there’s usually a honeymoon period of excitement, but then there’s that awkward period of settling. You’re not a tourist, but you sure aren’t a local—not yet. The homesickness will peak at times significant to you—Thanksgiving, your friends’ annual Superbowl party, after a long, just-what-you-needed phone call with your BFF back home—but it will fade as you start to feel connected in your new hometown.
Tip #5: Don’t go home right away. Don’t head home the first weekend. Stick it out. By staying, you’ll learn that you can cope. That said, also try this …
Tip #6: Invite someone from home to join you. Even when you’re determined to stick it out, you don’t have to do it alone. Invite a friend from home to visit you. You’ll play the role of host, which puts you in the role of guiding someone even newer to the city than you, which will force you into a sense of ownership. You’ll find you know more about your new city than you think. And then …
Tip #7: Go home eventually. Do head home after a semester, a summer, or a season. Unexpectedly, home may be jarring. You will have changed without even noticing. Equally unexpectedly, when you return back to your new city or school, it may feel right. Your new home is the place you are building your new sense of self.
Tip #8: Give it a year. Or whatever your magic number is. I know someone who feels at home in a new city after a couple of weeks and someone who takes 10 years to settle in. Most of us fall somewhere in the middle. A good rule of thumb is to give it a year.
You’ll experience all the seasons, holidays, and local traditions for the first time and be ready to tackle the next year like a local.
Tip #9: Homesickness means you’re deeply attached to people or a place, and there’s nothing wrong with that. With a few exceptions, remember that the people and places you’re homesick for are still there. And no matter who you are, remember you are still loved.
To wrap up, when you’re in the depths of homesickness, home may seem far, far away. But stick it out and you’ll not only learn about your new city, you’ll learn about yourself. And unlike Ulysses, when it’s time to head back, whether for a visit or forever, it won’t take you ten years to travel back home—thankfully, just a plane ticket will do.
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About the Author
Dr. Ellen Hendriksen was the host of the Savvy Psychologist podcast from 2014 to 2019. She is a clinical psychologist at Boston University’s Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders (CARD). She earned her Ph.D. at UCLA and completed her training at Harvard Medical School. Her scientifically-based, zero-judgment approach is regularly featured in Psychology Today, Scientific American, The Huffington Post, and many other media outlets. Her debut book, HOW TO BE YOURSELF: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety, was published in March 2018.