Are You an Abrasive Communicator?
Has anyone ever told you have an abrasive style of communication? Want to change how you communicate? Lisa B. Marshall, aka The Public Speaker, answers a reader who asks how to have a friendlier voice, especially when interacting with her children.
Today’s episode is my response to a reader question about how to change her abrasive communication style. Here’s her email. 
Hi Lisa,
I am looking for your help to communicate better with my kids. I believe (and my husband confirms) that I do not use a compassionate, friendly voice when communicating with my kids. I have had this issue for all my life, even when I was younger, talking to my parents. I assume this is more with the people who are closer to me.
I believe I heard in a podcast of yours something about directive/decisive voice or personality. I think that refers to me. I am open to any advice.
Sheryl
And here’s my reply:
Thanks Sheryl for sending your question. Sheryl, have you taken the free communication style assessment I offered? (limited time offer).
Take the assessment—it only takes a few minutes. Upon completion of the assessment you will receive a report on your communication style. The report is 22 pages long and is quite detailed. It will help you to understand your style of communication and how to better flex your style. Many people find it extremely helpful, and I use it regularly with my clients.
If you need more help than that, I would suggest you record your voice when interacting with your children. I would record short snippets at different times of the day. You can just use the audio memo recording app which is on most smart phones by default. Then after you have several samples, listen back to the recordings a few days after you have made them. It is important to let time pass and not listen to them immediately.
Then when you are ready, listen to each of the recordings pretending as if you are a scientist listening to someone else. Ask yourself if you were on the receiving end, how would you feel listening to your messages? Do you notice any patterns? Do you notice that certain situations cause your voice to be react differently? To sound differently? At first, you simply want to listen and observe—don’t judge. At least not yet. Write down anything you notice.
You don’t really mention what quality of your voice that gives the perception that you are not compassionate and friendly. Is it that you speak too loudly? Do you answer with short terse sentences? Is it that you choose words that are harsh? Is it that you tend to focus on your children’s negatives or problems instead of praising for the positive? Is that you don’t smile? Is that you are impatient with responses and answer to quickly or interrupt your child? You will need to identify the behavior or behaviors that lead to the negative perceptions.
You may want to share your observations with you husband and see if he agrees with your “findings.” You may want to ask your husband to help you identify the key behaviors that are the most problematic.
Depending on how old your children are, you may even ask them to help you understand your behaviors by also presenting them your findings. That is, you are trying to confirm that what you discovered is really causing the negative perceptions. It is likely to be a combination of behaviors that are causing your unwanted results.
If I had to guess (and of course, I have no idea since I’ve never heard you speak) here’s what I think may be going on. First, I suspect that you either don’t readily show expressions on your face or you show negative expressions, such as rolling your eyes or sighing. Secondly, I suspect that you tend to speak rapidly, have quick body movements, and perhaps even talk slightly faster and louder than the rest of your family. Also, there is a good chance you are brief and concise with your words because you value efficiency. You may even have poor listening skills and interrupt because you feel it’s faster if you jump in. Again, I’ve never met you, so I could be totally wrong—however, what I am describing are typical behaviors that lead to negative impressions such as those you described (not a compassionate and friendly voice).
My advice? First don’t try to fix multiple behaviors at one time. Choose to wok on the one single behavior that you believe is the most problematic for you. I would suggest trying a new behavior as soon as you become aware that you are using the identified primary problematic behavior. Perhaps the issue is that you respond immediately and harshly to your children. At first your only goal is to put space between your conversational sentences. For example, try forcing yourself to breath deeply at the end of each sentence. Another option is to simply stay silent for at least five seconds before responding. If the situation allows, consider taking a short walking break before responding or simply “pass.” Your family would need to agree to the exact meaning of “pass” but perhaps it might mean, “Go talk to your father while I do something relaxing (such as listen to music or read a book). The idea is to try different behaviors from the ones that aren’t working until you find a replacement behavior that works for you. (It may help to get the help of a professional to guide you in identifying the negatively perceived behaviors and the best possible replacement behaviors. (BTW, I offer one-on-one coaching for issues like this.)
By listening and approaching the issue with curiosity (or possibly with a little help from a professional), you should be able to identify what is happening with your voice and make small changes for the better. Most importantly, don’t beat yourself up about this—it took you a lifetime to create your current vocal habits. It will take some time to first become self-aware and then more time to change them, but it is entirely possible to make this change—especially since you are are likely very motivated to be the best mother you can be. Let me know how things go!
This is Lisa B. Marshall helping you to lead and influence. If you’d like to learn more about compelling communication, I invite you to read my bestselling books, Smart Talk and Ace Your Interview and listen to my other podcast, Smart Talk. As always, your success is my business.
Image courtesy of Shutterstock.
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About the Author
Lisa B. Marshall Lisa holds masters with duel degrees in interpersonal/intercultural communication and organizational communication. She’s the author of Smart Talk: The Public Speaker’s Guide to Success in Every Situation, as well as Ace Your Interview, Powerful Presenter, and Expert Presenter. Her work has been featured in CBS Money Watch, Ragan.com, Woman’s Day, Glamour, Cosmopolitan, and many others. Her institutional clients include Johns Hopkins Medicine, Harvard University, NY Academy of Science, University of Pennsylvania, Genentech, and Roche.
