Asking Several People at Once, Nicely
Making limited offers and requests to several people at once can be tricky. Here’s how to navigate it to first-come, first-served, without upsetting those further back in line.
When life is uncertain, it can be hard to know exactly how to involve other people. It’s an exciting day! Intern MG has managed to acquire an extra preview code for the latest massively multiplayer online game, My Little Pony: The Cutie Mark of Power. The goal is to find the Cutie Mark of Power which will let … No. I’m not going to give away any spoilers. The code expires in just three hours, so MG needs to act fast. But two of his bros, Zach and Connor, are secretly Bronies. He’s got a conundrum.
MG wants to offer the preview code to Zach, who loves Rainbow Dash so much that he uses her name as his email password (we’re not supposed to know that). This game would be life-changing for Zach. MG texted him, but he hasn’t replied. He’s busy arranging Hell Week for his frat’s pledge class. Should MG just call Connor immediately?
This is a tricky situation. With MG, it’s rainbow ponies. Or it could be that last-minute ticket you have to an atonal 20th-century opera performed entirely in Swahili. Or it could be a spare Red Sox ticket complete with a complementary football inflation pump, signed by Tom Brady. Our first choice friend isn’t immediately available, and we don’t want to risk not having time to invite our second choice friend (we love all our friends equally, but we love some more equally than others). And, of course, we don’t want to tell our second choice friend, “if our first choice friend can’t make it, you can have the ticket.” That could hurt her, his, their, or zirs feelings.
How do we navigate this tricky situation?
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Don’t Leave Specifics in Your Message
When you leave voicemail or email, give enough information in your message so the recipient can take action without needing to ask any more questions. I discuss that in my episode about leaving good voicemail. This is one case, however, where you don’t want to leave details.
The right “ask” can save people from hurt feelings or from doing extra work.
If you tell Zach “I have a free coupon for My Little Pony: Cutie Mark of Power,” and then offer it to Connor, when Zach finishes building his six-person beer funnel and gets your message, he’ll be crushed to find out Connor got the coupon. You don’t want to make Zach cry. It would embarrass him in front of his posse.
Instead, just leave Zach the message “Yo, Zach. I have a time sensitive question for you. Hit me back when you get this.” If Zach calls back before you’ve contacted Connor, then he gets the coupon. Otherwise, you just say “Thanks for the call back. Everything’s taken care of. How’s that beer funnel? What else do you have planned for Hell Week?” He’ll be so excited to tell you about the pledge mud-eating contest that he’ll never suspect he missed out on Princess Twilight Sparkle.
You can even leave the same vague message for Zach and Connor at the same time, and give the coupon to whoever responds first.
Ask Multiple People For Help At Once
In M.G.’s case, the awkwardness was caused by not wanting to hurt anyone’s feelings. You can also use this technique to save people from doing extra work when you ask for help.
When your motorcycle’s broken and you really need some advice because the spark thingees are somehow screwing with the manifold widget causing the choke to, er, choke up—I’m sure you know what I’m talking about—you need it fixed ASAP, so you leave messages for your two most mechanically inclined friends, Pimentel and Oppenheimer.
Don’t leave messages describing the problem in detail. You don’t want Pimentel to waste his time giving you an answer if Oppenheimer answered first and you’re already following Opie’s advice.
Instead, just leave a message saying “I need some motorcycle advice. Give me a call if you have a sec.” Then you can pump whoever calls first for information. Whoever calls second, you can thank and offer to take them out for a beer.
Use Timeouts
Instead of being vague, you can also leave messages that put time limits on requests. “Zach, I have the Cutie Mark of Power coupon. If I don’t hear from you by 9 p.m. I’m going to have to give it to someone else.” If Zach gets the message at 9:15 and you’ve already given the coupon to Connor, there won’t be any emotional drama, because Zach will know that there was a limited window of availability.
Being vague and using timeouts makes it easy on you, because you don’t have to wait in limbo forever before you can proceed. You have a way out that lets you make progress even if people don’t respond quickly.
This also makes it easy on them! They feel honored, if you were asking them for help, or loved, if you were offering a ticket. If they don’t want your extra opera ticket, they just choose not to answer your message on time, knowing you’ll be fine because you have other people you can call. They won’t be stuck with that awkward how-do-I-tell-my-friend-that-I-don’t-like-atonal-opera-without-offending-my-friend feeling.
Everyone wins. When you have an extra ticket or you need your motorcycle rebuilt, and you’re on a time limit, you want to pursue many avenues at once without ruffling any feathers or rubbing anyone the wrong way, or accidentally breaking off their antlers. And you can. Leave messages galore, and be vague enough that no one will anticipate a promise or start doing before you’re actually on the phone together and you both agree they’re the one who fits the bill. If you do need to leave details, put a time limit on your offer or ask, so the other person knows that you’ll move on if they don’t respond in time. You’re off the hook. They’re off the hook, and friendship is preserved. And as we all know, Friendship is Magic.
I’m Stever Robbins. I help CEOs and high-potential leaders create strategy and lead people. If you want to know more, visit Stever Robbins.
Work Less, Do More, and have a Great Life!
Woman Talking image courtesy of Shutterstock.
About the Author
Stever Robbins was the host of the podcast Get-it-Done Guy from 2007 to 2019. He is a graduate of W. Edward Deming’s Total Quality Management training program and a Certified Master Trainer Elite of NLP. He holds an MBA from the Harvard Business School and a BS in Computer Sciences from MIT.
