Avoid These 3 Conversation Starter Blunders
A great conversation opener shows you have proper conversation skills, but avoid these three blunders.
They say that public speaking is one of the biggest fears people have, and so, creating conversation is another contender. Now, I don’t mean having to get on a grand platform in front of a crowd; I’m simply referring to speaking to others as you meet them, one on one. This type of public speaking is like the nasty sibling of awkwardness and makes many people so nervous that they forget their manners.
However, as a professional public speaker and a seasoned schmoozer, I like to think I’ve learned (the hard way) what makes for a great conversation starter and what seems to always miss the mark. After all, that first interaction can be detrimental to future engagements, so you want to make sure you don’t slip up. With that, take a breath and wipe your palms dry, then check out my top three quick and dirty tips to avoid inappropriate conversation starters:
Tip #1: Don’t Lie
A friend of mine used to tell me that if he was ever unsure about how to start a conversation, he would just make something up. Yup, he would lie. For example, one of his classic lines was creating a hilarious story about how Robert DeNiro once spilled coffee on him at a Starbucks in LA, which DeNiro profusely apologized for. But my friend’s only response was, “Hey, you talkin’ to me?” Who would ever believe that story? Ironically, this particular friend is not as shady as his conversational practices seem to be, but his method for breaking the ice was anything but kosher. This always confused me, since on one hand he was this honest upstanding guy, but on the other, I felt I couldn’t really trust him. I mean, how did I know what he was telling me wasn’t a lie or a slight exaggeration. When I was with him during one of his “go-to openers”, he brought me into his story by saying, “Richie, you were there. How crazy was it?” And that’s when it got very uncomfortable.
Any mannerly person will tell you it’s highly improper to A) Lie, B) Bring someone else unwillingly into said lie, or C) Create a false identity in front of others simply to win them over. Along with these three helpful facts, the worst thing that could happen is if people really truly dig deeper into the lie and it becomes a bigger ball of trouble. I mean, my buddy has a catalog of lying openers he uses and what if someone wants more information on one of them, and he can’t provide it? He has to lie more and that will only lead into a world of lies upon lies. Hardly what should be common practice. If you truly can’t figure out anything to talk about, never resort to lying. A simple opener is always around the weather. And make it your own like, “Wow, crazy weather we’re having right? It’s like three seasons in one week!” Everyone can relate to whacky weather and will always lighten a mood.
Tip #2: Don’t Complain
Every party has a pooper and that last thing you want to be is that pooper! However, complaining is a very common way for people to open up a conversation. Ever see the episodes of SNL with the Debbie Downer character? Every time someone spoke to her, she had a depressing response. Hardly someone you want around. A similar situation happened with Modern Manners Guy Twitter follower, Jack was at work dinner, and was nervous to sit down with his brand new colleagues. So, being new and being nervous, Jack tried to “act calm” by complaining about his relationship. He was exaggerating about how bad it was, told stories of how his girlfriend cheated on him and overall, just really brought the house down with his complaining. Sure, he now had something to talk about but hardly was complaining the proper way to break into conversation with his new coworkers. In the end, Jack didn’t make the impression he imagined and his desire to “open” conversations up sadly ended up just shutting doors.
Now, I understand what Jack meant to do. He didn’t do it well, but I understand. What he tried to do was be entertaining. He thought by making light of his relationship it would show that he’s funny, easygoing, and can be the life of the party. OK, well, maybe this is a way to break down walls, and show you have a sense of humor—when done tactfully—but not as an opener. If you’re going to “complain” as a conversation opener, do not make it something that involves tragedy, like your ex cheating on you. That can only go bad. If you’re going to gripe about something going on in your life, it’s proper to make it superficial and comical. Something where people don’t leave feeling as if you’re going to go home and drown yourself in a carton of Ben & Jerry’s. For example, complain about your two-hour commute, how your puppy keeps eating your socks, or how you get obsessed with binging on Netflix shows. Make it fun, lighthearted, and something people can relate to … not something they fear.
Tip #3: Don’t Be A Rambling Man
Similar to what Jack did in Tip #2, rambling on and on is something that happens when people fail to properly open with a mannerly conversation topic. However, even though rambling shows a person’s true nerves, it also comes across as being selfish. Yes, selfish. See, when you ramble you don’t let other people talk. Be it from nerves or not, rambling, over talking, or cutting people off, makes others feel as if you don’t have time for their opinions. Plus, who wants to be the person who can’t get even a “I hear ya… Yeah, good point” in the conversation. Even worse is when you let your rambling take over your conversation skills, especially as an opener, it leaves a negative impression. As well, it’s hard to kick the reputation of being an over talker, or a rambler. So, in the end the only cure for a ramblin’ man or woman is to simply sit back and listen.
Mannerly Nation, listening is actually the best way to open a conversation. Allowing someone else to talk makes you appear to be more appreciative of their time and what they have to say … as you should. But it also is the best way to NOT have to worry about having that “great opener” in the first place. When you let someone talk, it gives you the chance to pop in with your own comments and opinions but let the other person guide the initial interaction. Rambling is the opposite of that! I mean, let them ramble. Let them get eye rolls. You, on the other hand, can just focus on who else you would like to talk to.
For some great conversation starters, check out my colleague Lisa B. Marshall, The Public Speaker’s, recent article: The Essential Conversation Starters You Need Now.
As always, if you have another manners question, I look forward to hearing from you at manners@quickanddirtytips.comcreate new email. Follow me on Twitter @MannersQDT, and of course, check back next week for more Modern Manners Guy tips for a more polite life.
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