Children Who Lie
You will deal with many wonderful changes in your children.
Cherylyn Feierabend
Listen
Children Who Lie
Hey there! You’re listening to the Mighty Mommy with some Quick and Dirty Tips for Practical Parenting.
Today’s Topic: Telling Tall Tales. When Children Lie: Tips for Setting Things Straight
You will deal with many wonderful changes in your children throughout their lifetime. Some of these changes will make you proud and some will not. One of these changes is the transition from “fantasy lying” to actual lying. I call the first type “fantasy lying” because small children don’t really know they are lying. When a child is still under the age of 5 or 6, they will probably engage in make-believe play. They may tell you all sorts of stories. For example, your daughter might tell you that her friend, Myrtle, has purple hair. Myrtle doesn’t exist in our world, but she is very real to your daughter. Your daughter isn’t actually lying when she tells you these things because she is still learning to distinguish the difference between what is real and what is imaginary. This is perfectly normal behavior from a young child and imaginary play should definitely be encouraged. Do not treat your child as though she is lying in these instances. I recommend that you play along to help her understand the difference. You could say something like, “Myrtle’s hair is purple today? That is very interesting. Maybe tomorrow, we can pretend that her hair is green.” This type of statement allows you to point out that you know she’s pretending, but you are still happy to play along.
I believe that, for most kids, lying is a learned behavior. Children may start telling lies for any number of reasons. When kids know they’ve broken a rule, they might be tempted to lie about it to escape punishment. If they’ve seen adults or other kids telling lies, they might decide to give it a try. Some other reasons might be to give themselves a self-esteem boost or to make themselves appear more impressive to others. Knowing the reason a child is lying can help you to stop the behavior and the sooner the better.
It would seem fairly logical, as a parent and role model, that we would want to avoid telling lies in front of and directly to our children. Unfortunately, little white lies can occur right in front of them and we might think nothing of it. If you are on the phone canceling an engagement due to illness, but nobody is sick, your child might pick up on this. You need to be sure you are setting the right example for your children. They are listening, even when you think they aren’t.
If you know for certain your child is lying to you to avoid punishment, you may want to ask him why. Is he afraid of the punishment? If he is, can you consider a different form of punishment? Depending on the infraction, you might even consider offering to relieve punishment altogether if your child will come clean. The idea behind this thought process is that you want your child to tell you the truth. Let him know that lying won’t get him out of the situation, but telling the truth now and in the future, will definitely result in a more positive response from you. If your child is honest with you the next time something similar occurs, be sure to thank your child for his honesty and consider being more lenient on the punishment. This should help your child feel more secure and hopefully, he’ll be more apt to tell the truth in the future. Please keep in mind that punishing a child for lying can result in more, defensive lying. The more frightened a child is, the more likely he will keep to his story in the hopes that you will eventually believe him. It might be a good idea to advise your child that he will not be punished for the lie itself, but that you would really like him to tell the truth.
If your child is telling lies to make himself appear more impressive or to build up his own self-esteem, you should try to find out why he is feeling inadequate. One example would be if you find your son telling his friends that he has a new dog. If you don’t have a dog, you know that your son is telling his friends this to impress them. Your son is old enough to know that there is no dog at home. When something like this happens, you should be reassuring, but firm. Let your son know that when his friends come to visit, they will see that there is no dog. Tell him that he should be honest with his friends because it isn’t nice to lie to your friends. You’ll want to reassure him that other kids will like him for being a good, honest, friend whether he has a dog or not.
My final tip for today is to pay close attention to your child if he is telling an abundance of lies. If a child is repeatedly telling lies with or without cause, it may be a sign of a more serious underlying problem. If you feel your child’s lie telling is excessive, you should consider seeking professional assistance with the issue.
That’s it for now. Hope you enjoyed listening.
The Mighty Mommy’s Quick and Dirty Tips for Practical Parenting is part of the Quick and Dirty Tips network at quickanddirtytips.com. This week Grammar Girl is talking about Misplaced Modifiers so be sure to check out the Grammar Girl Podcast!
This is your friend, the Mighty Mommy wishing you happy and fun parenting!
Music – “Golly Gee” Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons “Attribution 2.0” https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/