How to Apologize (and Be Forgiven)
After an internet firestorm, E! News host Giuliana Rancic apologized to actress Zendaya Coleman for her “patchouli…or weed” comment. Was her apology effective? The Public Speaker explains the essential elements of a sincere apology.
This week is the perfect time to talk about apologies.
Earlier this week, E! News fashion reporter Giuliana Rancic made a joke about Disney star Zendaya Coleman’s dreadlocks during the Oscar red carpet. She couldn’t have guessed what a firestorm her words would cause.
It’s funny, that same day the trainer at my gym failed to show up for my 5:30am training session. Although the trainer offered a lame apology (which made me want to send him some of the tips you’re about to hear), his boss, the owner of the gym, sent me a decent apology for the trainer’s behavior.
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In case you missed it, here’s the play-by-play of what happened with the Giuliana Rancic debacle:
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During E! News’ coverage of Oscar fashion, Giuliana Rancic commented on a photo of Zendaya by saying, “I feel like she smells like patchouli oil…or weed.”
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Zendaya and others immediately called her comments “outrageous.” The 18-year-old tweeted a lengthy message explaining why this comment was hurtful and offensive. (Check out the Savvy Psychologist’s insightful episode How to Deal with Racism on the destructive power of these kinds of microaggressions).
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Giuliana quickly tweeted this apology: “Dear @Zendaya, I’m sorry I offended you and others. I was referring to a bohemian chic look. Had NOTHING to do with race and NEVER would!!!”
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Almost instantly Twitter erupted with cries that this apology wasn’t good enough. One tweet I read said “I’m sorry you’re offended is not an apology. Try again.”
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Finally, Giuliana Rancic issued an apology on TV, this time a sincere apology. Zendaya accepted it.
“I’m Sorry I Offended You” is Not an Apology
Communication experts call this a “non-apology” apology. It’s a common tactic used by public figures who need to save face, but don’t want to admit any blame. Another non-apology statement we hear often is “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
Licensed Psychologist Dr. Guy Winch lays out the key elements of a real apology in his article “The Five Ingredients of an Effective Apology.” Because I believe Giuliana Rancic’s second apology met most of the criteria he lays out, I’ll list her statements next to the element they meet. I’ll also list the statements from the gym owner who succeeded in apologizing for the no-show trainer (did I mention it was 5:30am?).
So here are the 5 elements of an effective apology:
- A clear “I’m sorry” statement.
- An expression of regret for what happened.
- An acknowledgment that social norms or expectations were violated.
- An empathy statement acknowledging the full impact of our actions on the other person.
Giuliana: I want to apologize for a comment that I made on last night’s Fashion Police about Zendaya’s hair.
Gym owner: I’m sorry Tyrell totally screwed up and overslept this morning.
Giuliana: I understand that something I said last night did cross the line…I didn’t intend to hurt anybody.
Gym owner: I’m sorry he wasted your time especially on such a cold morning.
Giuliana: But I’ve learned that it is not my intent that matters, it’s the result.
Gym owner: Once again, I am sorry for the screw up…it should have never happened.
Giuliana: And the result is people are offended, including Zendaya, and that is not OK.
Gym owner: You must have been dissapointed by not being able to work out, especially since you got up so early.
5. A request for forgiveness.
Giuliana: Therefore, I want to say to Zendaya and anyone else out there that I have hurt, that I am so, so sincerely sorry
Gym owner: To make up for the wasted time, I’d like to schedule a 1-on-1 training session at your convenience.
Some experts say that a sincere apology also requires a “What I learned” statement.. In Rancic’s case, she did talk about lesons learned. She said:
“…This incident has taught me to be a lot more aware of clichés and stereotypes, how much damage they can do and that I am responsible, as we all are, to not perpetuate them further.’
It’s the last part of her apology that I have a quibble with. She never really outright requests forgiveness, altough she does say what she learned. When I spoke with Dr. Guy Winch recently, he said that we shouldn’t just apologize for what we did, but also for what our actions did to the other person. I don’t think Rancic’s apology adequately addressed how she made Zendaya and others feel.
Finally, although it’s not one of Dr. Winch’s steps of an apology, I always suggest that it is important to ask the offended party how you can make it up to them. Specifically in a client customer service situation, I think it’s critical that the final step of an apolgoy is “How can I make this up to you?” or “How about I offer you X as my apology? Let me know if you think of something else I might do.”
In my opinion the gym owner did the right thing by offering me the 1-on-1 training. I think Rancic still needed to ask Zendaya how she could make up for her mistake.
If you’re interested in this topic, I invite you to listen to my full interivew with Dr. Winch, Emotional First Aid, on my Smart Talk podcast.
This is Lisa B. Marshall, Helping you maximize sales, manage perceptions, and enhance leadership through keynotes, workshops, books, and online courses. Passionate about communication; your success is my business.
If you want even more success in your life, I invite you to read my latest book, Smart Talk.
I’m Sorry image courtesy of Shutterstock. Giuliana Rancic image courtesy of Featureflash/Shutterstock.
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About the Author
Lisa B. Marshall Lisa holds masters with duel degrees in interpersonal/intercultural communication and organizational communication. She’s the author of Smart Talk: The Public Speaker’s Guide to Success in Every Situation, as well as Ace Your Interview, Powerful Presenter, and Expert Presenter. Her work has been featured in CBS Money Watch, Ragan.com, Woman’s Day, Glamour, Cosmopolitan, and many others. Her institutional clients include Johns Hopkins Medicine, Harvard University, NY Academy of Science, University of Pennsylvania, Genentech, and Roche.
