How to Ask for Something
Afraid to ask for what you want? Do you know the best way to make a request? Public Speaker, Lisa B. Marshall, offers advice on how to ask for something without damaging your relationships.
Lisa B. Marshall
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How to Ask for Something
I recently came across a group discussion on LinkedIn. Business entrepreneur, Maria Tabaka posted “. . . I think that fear is greatly due to not knowing what to ask for. What ask have you put out there that’s had a big impact on your life or business?”
Close to 100 people responded to Maria’s question! What would you say? Here are my favorite 3 responses:
“I asked the VP of Marketing for 15 minutes of his time. When I got to his office I told him that I received my business degree in marketing, and asked if there were any special projects he or anyone on his team needed help with. 2 weeks later I was offered a marketing communications position.”
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Another said:
“My biggest ask was to myself when I was transitioning from full-time in Corporate America to full-time entrepreneur. I asked, ‘If not now, when?’ Then I went for it! BEST decision of my life.”
And this last one:
“When I asked my husband if I could cash a CD to start a new company! $50K! And the rest is history.”
Make a Request
Hmmm…for me, I can think of a couple of “asks” that had a big impact on my life. Over 8 years ago, I sent an email to Mignon Fogarty, aka Grammar Girl (before she was part of Quick and Dirty Tips), and asked her if we could work together cross-promoting our podcasts. It took patience and persistence, but eventually it lead to joining the QDT team as The Public Speaker (which by the way, did you know that up until I recorded the very first episode, the show was going to be called People Skills Pro?) Anyway, on the personal side, for a big impact in my personal life, I asked my now-husband out for a date!
See also: 10 Fun Facts About…The Public Speaker
Most of us have at least one question we’re hesitant to ask—one negotiation we’re hesitant to enter—but you never know what asking might bring or how much the response may change your life. Some people are afraid to ask. For me, I grew up with a father that always used to say, “It never hurts to ask.” So I ended up asking for quite a bit.
And although that advice brought me many good things in my life, I now know that, well, actually, it can hurt to ask—that is, it can hurt to ask if you don’t ask in the proper manner. In order to maintain relationships, when we make requests, it is very important to balance out what academics call agentic behavior with communal behavior—in other words, we need to balance aggressiveness with warmth. Although this is more important for women, it also applies to men.
So today, I thought I’d spend some time talking about how to ask the right way, the smart way.
See also: How to Ask for What You Want
How to Ask
You should have 2 goals in mind with your upcoming negotiation: Get your request granted, and also make a positive impression. The second part is important; you don’t want your negotiating behavior to undermine your reputation (any gains you make get overshadowed by the longer-term career costs).
Here are the steps to asking the right way.
1. First, ask yourself, “What is the outcome I want?” For example, you may respond by saying, “I want to work from home or I want to work from home 1 day a week.” The idea is to get clear in your head what that you’d like to happen.
2. Next, it’s also important to ask, “What is my objective?” In this case, your objective might be to have more flexible hours and more uninterrupted work time. Thinking about your objective is helpful because sometimes you may not be able to achieve your specific, initially intended outcome, but with some creativity, you still may be able to meet your objective. For example, you may not be permitted to work from home, but you may be permitted to work a different schedule that gives you the flexibility you were looking for.
3. Next, it’s important to ask, “What info can I gather?” You need to do your homework before you ask. Has anyone in the past asked this question? What was the response? Ask hypothetical questions or just simply discuss the topic in general to explore and determine what your audience thinks about the topic. You want to look at your “ask” from their perspective. What might be some of the issues, concerns, or questions they might have? How might they object? What will be the impact of this “ask” on them? The idea is to step into the shoes of your audience and pretend that you were being asked. What will be important to this particular person or group?
4. Based on the information you gather, you need to ask yourself, “What is my argument?” What stories do I have that will support my arguments? What facts and figures do I have to support my arguments? Which will be strongest for this audience? How will I position the information? Am I using positive psychological framing? Do I need to learn anything more to create an even stronger argument?
5. Once you’ve considered your information, you’ll refine your argument. That is, you’ll choose your best support and the best order of your assertions and evidence from the most convincing to the least convincing. You’ll also need to determine your “presentation” strategy. Will it be a conversation, a formal presentation, or something in-between? What structure (deductive, inductive, story) will you use to present your case? Where is the best location for this ask? Neutral territory, your office, theirs?
6. Make the request. The words and framing you choose are important. Research suggests that even if you are angry or unhappy with your current situation, it is important to communicate how much you enjoy your role, how you value the people around you, and within organizations, how you enjoy advancing the goal of the organization with your skill sets. You should demonstrate with your words, your commitment, and how your request will benefit the organization.
7. Then, it’s best to earn a voluntary, public, and active commitment to ensure follow-through on your request. For example, if someone has verbally said yes, you’ll want to try to get it in writing. If you don’t feel comfortable asking for it writing, instead, you can offer to send a summary of the meeting.
8. Finally, as with all requests, you’ll want to follow up. Send a note of appreciation or gratitude. Ask for feedback on your progress, or simply check-in just to renew and refresh the relationship.
I’d love to continue this discussion. What has been your biggest ask? What was the result of your most recent negotiation? Did you follow the steps? Let me know in the comments section below!
This is Lisa B. Marshall, helping you move from information to influence. Your success is my business. If you want to learn more about the intersection of communication and leadership, I invite you to read my bestselling book, Smart Talk, and listen to my other podcast with the same name, Smart Talk.
Interview, Ask the Right Questions, and Question Marks images courtesy of Shutterstock.
About the Author
Lisa B. Marshall Lisa holds masters with duel degrees in interpersonal/intercultural communication and organizational communication. She’s the author of Smart Talk: The Public Speaker’s Guide to Success in Every Situation, as well as Ace Your Interview, Powerful Presenter, and Expert Presenter. Her work has been featured in CBS Money Watch, Ragan.com, Woman’s Day, Glamour, Cosmopolitan, and many others. Her institutional clients include Johns Hopkins Medicine, Harvard University, NY Academy of Science, University of Pennsylvania, Genentech, and Roche.