How to Ask for What You Want
Overcoming the myth of independence and asking for what you want.
Today’s topic is getting what you want from other people. The quick and dirty tip is to ask.
How to Ask for What You Want
Most of us are crippled by school. It taught us a dastardly, destructive lesson. We learned if we asked for help, it meant we’re cheaters. Or worse, that we’re weak. Real men and women don’t ask for help. Only paper mache people ask for help: people who are made of newspaper and library paste, with their faces drawn on in magic marker.
We love the myth that people do it on their own. Rich, successful people who started in a trailer, got scholarships to famous schools, and now have 30,000 employees, personal assistants, and a private jet…they never ask for help. They just apply for scholarships, hire employees, and delegate to personal assistants. We oooh and aaahh over how self-made they are, never realizing they do it by getting help every step of the way.
We all have times we want to ask for help. Like asking our boss to show us how he used to do in one hour the sales reports that take us all day. Or asking our best friend for advice on handling our teenager’s upcoming slumber party, since a crowd control hose leaves the carpet too soggy. But we don’t ask for help, because we’re scared.
Punt Your Excuses!
We find amazing excuses to keep us from asking for what we want. Don’t fall victim to these silly excuses. Let’s knock them out one by one, so you can ask for help when you want it.
-
Excuse #1: They’ll think I’m stupid. Not necessarily. In fact, they might be impressed you had the courage to ask. And as long as your request is G-rated, they won’t even be shocked. They’ll probably just say “yes” or “no.” If by some chance, they look at you, sneer, and say, “You’re stupid!!!,” just look back at them and say, “Perhaps that’s true. Does that mean you don’t know the answer, either?” They’ll then give you the answer, just to prove they’re not stupid. Learning to embrace saying “I don’t know” is one of the most useful skills you’ll ever develop.
My friend says if you’re asking the IT Help Desk, then they’ll already think you’re stupid, so it doesn’t matter anyway. I disagree; I worked at an IT help desk and didn’t think people were stupid. Not even the guy who thought his computer was an enchanted fairy who wanted to be his significant other. He wasn’t stupid. He was confused, perhaps. Desperate. Single. Read one too many Elric novels. But not stupid.
-
Excuse #2: I don’t know who to ask. Ok, so ask that. Go to five friends and say, “I need help.” Describe the situation and ask, “who do you think I should ask?”
-
Excuse #3: I don’t want to bother people. It will bother them more if you don’t get your job done and they’re counting on you. Start your question with, “I don’t want to bother you, so if you can’t help, perhaps you can tell me who can.” Then ask your question. In the best case, they’ll help. In the worst case, they’ll send you to someone who can.
-
Excuse #4: I don’t trust they’ll give a good answer. Don’t ask incompetent fools for help. Only ask people who know what they’re doing. I’m happy to borrow someone else’s expertise, but I don’t need to borrow their shortcomings; I have enough of my own.
Ask Politely and Be Willing to Hear “No”
When asking for help, do so politely, confidently, and humbly, and let them know they can refuse your request—that way they won’t feel pressured. Don’t expect them to say “yes,” but don’t expect them not to. “Please sir, may I have some more gruel?” asked Oliver Twist. If a scrawny orphan boy can ask, so can you. If they say “no,” thank them and go ask someone else.
In fact, expect people to say “no.” That way, if they say “no,” they’re just doing what you expect. It makes you feel powerful, like you’re already Emperor of the World. If they say “yes,” then you can be pleasantly surprised. Of course, if they say “yes,” they were violating your expectations, and as Emperor, you may have to execute them as an example. But such are the sacrifices that come with great power.
Asking for Help Makes the Relationship Stronger
We’re trained to think that asking for help is “using up a silver bullet.” Is it? Unless you constantly ask and abuse someone’s generosity, you’re giving someone the gift of doing you a favor. Think of the times you’ve helped someone else. It feels pretty good. The only time it’s unpleasant to ask for something is when someone says “yes” when they mean “no.” That’s why it’s important to let people know they can say “no” in the first place. You don’t want them to feel pressured.
Your relationship will get stronger when the people you ask for help become interested in helping you and you in turn show appreciation and gratitude for their help. Which brings us to the last step, which is sending a hand-written thank you card.
When you want something, ask. Be polite, and be willing to hear “no” for an answer. Don’t hold it against them if they say “no”, and write a hand-written thank you when they say “yes.”
This is Stever Robbins. Follow GetItDoneGuy on Twitter. Or join Facebook.com/GetItDoneGuy.
Work Less, Do More, and have a Great Life!
Image courtesy of Shutterstock