How to Be Less Judgmental
Learn how to be less selfish and judgmental and start making friends.
A member of the Get-it-Done Guy Facebook community, Manpreet, wrote that “my friends comment on how judgmental I am. I think I’m always right and better than others. But I want to be more friendly to those who aren’t as fortunate as myself. I want to be a better person.”
How to Be Less Judgmental
What a great goal! We all have different approaches to self-improvement. In the East, people seek to become enlightened and non-attached. In the West, we just feel guilt and shame under the theory that living in misery will make us better people. Manpreet’s Facebook page shows that he wears dark sunglasses and looks cool. In my experience, people who wear dark sunglasses rarely spend much time feeling shame. We’ll have to find another way.
Why We Get More Judgmental Over Time
It seems to me we get more judgmental as we get older. Here’s what I believe happens: We have poor memories for things that are neutral or pleasant. Remember that teacher, the one whose name you forgot? Of course you don’t. He or she didn’t have much emotional impact.
But I’ll bet you remember the teacher who was passionate. The one who encouraged you, made you feel like you could do anything, and opened your eyes to the wonder and beauty of the subject. Strong emotions get burned into memory. Without all that strong emotion, you would never have become an actuarial accountant.
Negative Emotions Are Most Powerful
Sadly, negative emotions are more powerful than positive emotions. Science says so. One bad meal at a restaurant can dissuade you from ever visiting again, even if you’ve previously had several good experiences at the same place. Because our brains pay more attention to the negative, we can emphasize the bad in an experience and become judgmental. If you don’t believe me, just consider spandex. When I see Bernice in her new workout clothes, do I notice the beautiful colors and designs on her tights? No. I think judgmental thoughts about the lie that is the “one size fits all” leotard.
Since the negative is stronger than the positive, as time goes by, we accumulate negative judgments more quickly than we accumulate positive ones. By the time we’re my age, we’re positively crotchety. And that, in my judgment, is bad.
How to Stop Judging
Sports psychology has part of the answer. Two-time Olympian Marilyn King was in a car accident and ended up badly injured, recuperating in a wheelchair. Unable to train for the 1980 Olympic tryouts, she wheeled out to practice every day and practiced mentally. On the day of the tryouts, she had them pump her full of painkillers and she went to the tryouts… and placed 2nd.
When we visualize movement, we activate our brains as if we were really moving. The only difference is that we don’t activate the very last step, where our body moves. That means that rehearsal through visualization actually rehearses your mental processes. Let’s use that to stop being so judgmental.
Decide How You Want to Feel and Be Instead
Choose how you want to be instead when you encounter people who you would otherwise judge. However spandex-challenged she may be, Bernice is an admirable role model. When she encounters people, she treats them with kindness. She is genuinely curious about them. She finds ways to help them with their problems and help them feel good about themselves. She asks about their interests and listens with an open mind. As she says, “Everyone, no matter who, has wisdom for us. The enlightened soul listens to everyone and considers their point.” (I wonder if we could introduce her to someone who knows something about choosing clothes.)
Make a mental movie of the way you want to be. Imagine interacting with someone who you’ve recently judged. Imagine them saying whatever it was that caused you to judge. Maybe they made a comment like, “I think Legally Blonde can be viewed as important social commentary on the state of the legal system.” See yourself reacting purely with curiosity and asking, “Fascinating. How so?” And then listening to their response with rapt attention.
Do this several times, each time imagining a different person and a different situation. Run the movie in the third person, so you see yourself in the picture as if you were watching the interaction as an innocent bystander.
Add the Feelings to the Movies
Once you’ve tuned the movies so you’re reacting as a more accepting, kind person, run them again and step into them, so you imagine doing them from the inside. This time, pay attention to what it feels like in your body to listen to someone from a place of acceptance. Remember, your brain will actually fire the same neurons as if you were really there, behaving nicely; you’re actually rehearsing! If you aren’t feeling as kind and accepting as you want, step back out, tweak the movie, and do it again until you get it right.
Fix All the Places You Get Judgmental
What we learn gets attached to the situation where we learn it. You want to be more accepting everywhere in your life, so list the major triggers that get your judgmental brain going. For example, you might get judgmental if you have to explain something to someone for the fifth time, or if someone refuses to listen to your point of view, or if someone has grammar or spelling errors in a paper. Now repeat the visualization exercise for all of those judgmental triggers.
I do this every night before I go to sleep. I think back over the day and re-imagine all the times I felt grumpy or judgmental. I re-imagine them with me being happy, loving, interested, and caring. And there’s no need to restrict this to situations with people. I even re-imagine my reactions to the rain, or to… to… to Bernice’s workout ensemble.
Hmm. You know, I think I’ve got a little more work to do on this one, myself. Picture this: Bernice in her new workout clothes. I approach with a smile, notice her new clothes, and feel good that she’s found clothes that make her feel good. I walk up to her and compliment her on the new clothes. And then we go do a Zumba Dance Workout together, led by Trainer Tyler. His spandex looks great, too. Life is good.
Work Less, Do More, and have a Great Life!
RESOURCES
https://www.WayBeyondSports.com – Marilyn King’s motivational speaking site
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