How to Deal with a Rude Child
Kids aren’t born with perfect manners and etiquette. Someone has to teach them.
Cheryl Butler
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How to Deal with a Rude Child
No matter how well-behaved we think our kids are, there will come a time when all those wonderful manners we’ve tried to instill since their toddler days will completely disappear and a rude gremlin will appear instead. Oh, and you can usually count on this happening when you’re in public.
It could be a snarky reply when you ask your daughter to please move her backpack off the kitchen island and into her bedroom: “I can’t do everything, you know. I just got home from practice and now you expect me to be your slave just because you want the island cleared off?” Ouch!  Or it could be one of those precious moments when your family is sitting quietly in church and suddenly your 8-year-old son decides it’s the perfect time to question what he’s smelling. “Oh my God—do you guys smell that? Smells like mothballs. Oh how gross! I think it’s coming from behind us!” Whatever the scenario might be, rude remarks are a part of growing up (and unfortunately, too often a part of our adult world!), so how we handle these situations can really lay the foundation for how our kids will behave as they grow into teens and young adults.
The manners and principles of good etiquette are learned behaviors. That’s why Mighty Mommy has some tips to nip that rude behavior in the bud and turn it around.
Tip # 1: Â Correct the Rudeness Immediately
Correct your child in the moment. When a rude comment or behavior has just taken place, stop what you’re doing and address it immediately, not when it’s convenient. If you’re cooking dinner and your child lashes out about something he’s not pleased with, calmly turn the stove off, walk over to him, and very matter-of-factly say, “In our family, we don’t speak to each other that way,” or “It’s not OK to talk to me like that.” Make eye contact with him for several seconds and then resume making dinner.
Avoid responding in ways that excuse the behavior like, “Honey, I know you don’t really mean that!’ or “Sweetie, you’re just upset.” Such responses diminish the accountability of the child and justify the rude behavior. Instead, challenge his rude comments by saying something like: “If you don’t agree with our rules about curfew, let me know, but please don’t speak to me in that hateful tone.”  See Also:  5 Ways to Speak Positively to Children
Tip #2: React with the “C’s”—Calm, Consistent, Consquences.
When you’re faced with a situation that is trying and unpleasant, it can help to focus in on how to respond. Years ago I remember reading about reacting with the “C’s.” In the case of rude behavior, the “C’s” I refer to are “Calm,” “Consistent,” and “Consequences.”
Calm: When one of my kids is pushing my buttons or doing something that I find completely unacceptable, such as behaving rudely (whether it’s private or public) I count to 10 (sometimes a lot more!) and talk to myself in the process. “Stay calm and in control,” I tell myself. By taking a few seconds to step away from my child’s poor behavior and get my own feelings in check, I can usually shift from being frustrated and ready to lash out to a reasonable state where I can handle my child’s situation without losing my composure.  When you work to manage your own behavior first, you effectively neutralize the power struggle or the bad behavior. As an added bonus, when you get yourself under control, your kids will also usually follow your lead. Remember, calm is contagious. See Also: 6 Ways to Become a Calmer Parent
Consistent: Just like any other parenting issue, if you decide you’re not going to tolerate rude behavior, stick to your plan and do not waiver. Don’t allow rudeness sometimes and not other times. Inconsistency is confusing to the child and indicates a lack of principle and confidence in the parent. Make sure your child knows if you promise consequences for good or bad behavior, that you will deliver them—every time. Consistent parenting makes kids feel secure because there are no surprises by you, the parent, when a decision or promise is made. If you’re not consistent all of the time, you’re teaching your kids that your word is worth nothing. Just don’t say it if you aren’t going to do it. And on the other hand, if you say it, be prepared to do it.Â
Consequences: With eight kids, one thing I’ve learned about consequences is that you really need to find something meaningful to your child. Once my kids were old enough to realize that there would be a consequence for an inappropriate act or behavior, I let them help me decide what that consequence would be. Within your family, instill specific consequences for rude behavior because, whatever your choice of punishment, rude behavior should have a price. Be prepared, however, that things are not going to change overnight.Â
One of my favorite Mighty Mommy episodes was when my colleague, Ellen Hendriksen, PhD, QDT’s Savvy Psychologist, and I joined together to do an episode called How to Impose Effective Consequences for Bad Behavior. You can check it out for more great tips on consequences.
Tip #3: Accentuate the Positive
Children love praise—especially when it comes from a parent or loved one. Very often parents respond only to their children’s undesirable behavior, ignoring their victories and positive actions completely. When you observe them using good manners, or saying kind things to others, make a point of letting them know that you are noticing their efforts.  See Also:  8 Ways to Be Present With Your Kids  See Also:  5 Ways to Raise a Happy Child
Tip #4: Lead by Example
If your child sees you treating anyone—your spouse, your boss, the clerk at the grocery, or especially them—with disrespect, it sticks with them. Those times when you feel frustration or anger at a situation are exactly the same—in a different context—as their own, and if they see a parent have a “grown-up tantrum” or speak in a harsh tone, they don’t understand why they’re punished for it. Model appropriate manners consistently. Children learn from observing your actions, often while you’re not even aware that they’re even doing so. How you behave while stuck in a long line at the check-out counter, or when running into a neighbor that you aren’t particularly fond of, can lay a positive or negative foundation in your children. Take the high road and model control and politeness, not frustration and pettiness.  See Also:  Were You a Good Parent This Year
How do you deal with your child’s rude behavior? Share your thoughts with us in the comments section at quickanddirtytips.com/mighty-mommy, post your ideas on the Mighty Mommy Facebook page, or email me at mommy@quickanddirtytips.comcreate new email.
Also visit my family-friendly boards at Pinterest.com/MightyMommyQDT.
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Image courtesy of Shutterstock.
About the Author
Cheryl L. Butler was the host of the Mighty Mommy podcast for nine years from 2012 to 2021. She is the mother of eight children. Her experiences with infertility, adoption, seven pregnancies, and raising children with developmental delays have helped her become a resource on the joys and challenges of parenting. You can reach her by email.