How to Deal With Difficult Family on Thanksgiving
Would you like a thinly disguised insult with your turkey? An exasperating political discussion with your pumpkin pie? Family gatherings are hard enough without the Rockwellian pressure of Thanksgiving. Have no fear. Savvy Psychologist has 7 tips to get you through with your sanity (mostly) intact.
A wise person once said “dysfunctional family is redundant.” I know my extended family includes its share of characters and I’m sure yours does, too.
You spend most of the year (hopefully) insulated from family shenanigans, but when everyone from loudmouth Uncle Milt to judgy cousin Carrie is devouring turkey around your dining room table, it can get a little dicey.
To that end, here are 7 tips for dealing with difficult family members on Thanksgiving (or at any family gathering, for that matter):
Tip #1: Practice Socially Acceptable Avoidance
I don’t usually advocate for avoidance, but if it’s just to get you through the holiday weekend, I’ll cut you yards of slack. Socially acceptable ways to get out of the house entirely to avoid family are to volunteer at a community Thanksgiving for the less fortunate, run a turkey trot 5K, or even get started on your holiday shopping (be sure to tell family you’re looking for presents for them).
If you must stick around, focus on judiciously avoiding the one or two people you know you’ll have a hard time with. When Aunt Dottie sets her sights on you, go see if folks in the kitchen need a hand, offer to head out for more ice, or round up a group for a brisk walk and get out of the house. In the end, do whatever works. Again, avoidance doesn’t work in the long run, but used wisely, it can get you safely through until it’s time for pumpkin pie.
Tip #2: Find a Buddy
Find a like-minded relative (you’ll spot her also trying to suppress eye rolls) and agree to look out for one another. For example, rescue your cousin from getting cornered by Uncle Rick (after all, you really need help with these mashed potatoes); in return, ask her to suddenly, urgently need your assistance when your sister tries to ask you for money.
Tip #3: You Don’t Have to Serve Booze
A straightforward, though perhaps controversial, method to cull the drunken behavior is not to serve alcohol. You run the risk of Uncle Milt heading off to the liquor store for a bottle of Jack, but your message will be clear.
If you’re feeling brave, you could also talk to the usual suspect beforehand. Explain that you’d love to celebrate Thanksgiving with him or her, but the person they become when they’re drinking is simply not welcome.
Tip #4: Don’t Take the Bait
Is there a relative who always gets a rise out of you? Decide that it takes two to tango and don’t engage with them. Make an executive decision not to talk about politics with Grandpa anymore, gently change the subject when your cousin asks why you’re still single, or leave the room when Uncle Larry brings up the midterm elections.
Tip #5: Don’t Make a Day of it
If you’re hosting, consider serving dinner later, like 6pm, and ask people to arrive equivalently late, say, around 4pm. Then you only have to get through 5-6 hours rather than an entire day.
See also: Family Coming Into Town? Don’t Stress Out!
If you’re a guest and dread being at your sister’s house all day, justify showing up late (or leaving early) by doing something socially acceptable from Tip #1, like volunteering at the local hospital or hitting the stores early, making it clear you’re looking for the perfect Christmas present for your sister’s children. Or just make it known ahead of time that you’ll be late or have to leave early – no explanation needed.
Tip #6: Bring a Friend
If your family errs on the side of good behavior when there’s a stranger among them, bring one. A work friend with family far away, your friendly French neighbor who wants to try a real American Thanksgiving, or another fresh face may improve your family’s conduct. Needless to say, if your family would let it all hang out even if the Queen were coming, spare your friend the ordeal.
Tip #7: Plan a Post-Thanksgiving Gathering with Friends
Before Thanksgiving weekend, plan a night out (or a night in – whatever your style) with your friends for the week directly following Thanksgiving. Plan to debrief, tell all the crazy stories, and shake your heads in disbelief together. That way, you’ll experience the Thanksgiving day political diatribes, drunken singing, and other ridiculousness not as a migraine the the making, but as fodder for your night out.
After it’s all over, congratulate yourself on being functional. You may not be able to choose your family, but you can choose a shrewd strategy or two to keep you sane. With some practice, you may even consider showing up for the next family gathering.
How will you make it through Thanksgiving? Post your survival strategies in the Comments section below or on the Savvy Psychologist’s Facebook page.
Please note that all content here is strictly for informational purposes only. This content does not substitute any medical advice, and does not replace any medical judgment or reasoning by your own personal health provider. Please always seek a licensed physician in your area regarding all health related questions and issues.
About the Author
Dr. Ellen Hendriksen was the host of the Savvy Psychologist podcast from 2014 to 2019. She is a clinical psychologist at Boston University’s Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders (CARD). She earned her Ph.D. at UCLA and completed her training at Harvard Medical School. Her scientifically-based, zero-judgment approach is regularly featured in Psychology Today, Scientific American, The Huffington Post, and many other media outlets. Her debut book, HOW TO BE YOURSELF: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety, was published in March 2018.
