How to Deal with Entitled People in 4 Steps
This week, Savvy Psychologist Dr. Ellen Hendriksen uncovers 4 more ways to deal with people so pushy you’d think the last lifeboat was almost full.
Ellen Hendriksen, PhD
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How to Deal with Entitled People in 4 Steps
We’ve talked about entitlement on the podcast before, but given the national conversations sparked by the recent Kavanaugh Supreme Court hearings, it bears revisiting.
When Kavanaugh responded to questions about his drinking behavior with “I got into Yale,” many people raised objections, not only about using a prestigious education as a moral defense, but also at the attitude of entitlement his answer implied.
Not many of us will ever be in a position to vote yay or nay on a Supreme Court nominee, but we will likely encounter other forms of smaller, everyday entitlement. A new hire may expect the choicest shifts without having to work her way up. A driver may decide to leapfrog a miles-long traffic jam by squeezing by on the shoulder. A passenger on the subway may blast a boombox, take up multiple seats, and otherwise disregard the rules intended for everyone. A customer might make multiple restaurant reservations to keep his options open and then no-show all but one. And almost everyone has experienced the houseguest who just. Won’t. Leave.
At its worst, entitlement gets personal and hateful, like online incel hate groups that believe they are entitled to sex with women, and have even incited violence to express their resentment.
But whether it’s a hate group or just a schoolkid who expects his parent to deliver his forgotten homework to his classroom, entitlement is a belief that we deserve special treatment or privileges, often at others’ expense. In short, entitlement is a double standard of expecting to receive without earning or contributing.
And for entitled individuals themselves, this worldview is, of course, problematic: it’s a rigid mindset that leads to a cycle of unmet expectations, entitled explanations for why expectations went unmet, and self-pitying resentment at the unfairness of it all.
Therefore, what to do if you encounter an entitled individual in your family, on your staff, or on your couch eating all your snacks and not chipping in for utilities? Have hope! This week, here are 4 ways to deal with entitled people.
4 More Ways to Deal with Entitled People
- Tip #1: Be consistent.
- Tip #2: Don’t come to their rescue.
- Tip #3: Ask yourself if rights were violated.
- Tip #4: Remember the difference between worth and entitlement.
Here they are in more detail.
Tip #1: Be consistent.
When entitled people want something from you, they won’t take no for an answer. They have a way of cajoling, twisting your arm, and generally wearing you down.
Why? Not to blame mom and dad, but a study out of the University of Georgia examined data from over 300 male undergrads and found that inconsistent parenting was strongly related to feelings of entitlement.
By “inconsistent parenting,” the researchers meant an uneven reinforcement of rules or selectively following through on consequences. A parent might say, “I shouldn’t let you, but okay, just this once,” or “Fine, go ahead, but don’t tell your mother,” or “Dad says you can’t, but I say you can!”
Over time, kids learn they can push the boundaries. They ask the other parent if one says no. They extract a “yes” by asking a thousand times. They discover they can get what they want by getting upset—think Dudley Dursley throwing a tantrum to extract birthday presents number thirty-seven and thirty-eight from Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon.
Regardless, the result is that kids learn that “no doesn’t always mean no,” which fuels a sense of entitlement. But entitlement doesn’t just make these kids annoying. In the University of Georgia study, the researchers took it a step further and found that in college, entitlement was related to coercive sexual behavior.
So be consistent with the entitled people in your life. Don’t waffle on limits. Say what you’ll do and then do what you say. Put consequences into motion if they cross your boundaries.
Admittedly, this is easier said than done. Entitled people will escalate when they hear no. So be ready for indignation, an argument, or even a meltdown. But then? Hold fast. It’s hard, but consider it an investment in not being taken advantage of in the future.
Tip #2: Don’t come to their rescue.
Not to drag mom and dad through the mud again, but the same University of Georgia study found that overparenting—better known as helicopter parenting—also leads to entitlement.
Why? Helicopter parenting is defined as developmentally inappropriate levels of control and assistance. Helicopter parenting can happen at any age, from always directing a toddler’s play (“Here, wouldn’t you like to add some red Legos to your tower?”), to doing a child’s homework so she can get a good night’s sleep, or calling a college professor about a poor grade on a child’s behalf.
Over and over, kids learn that they can count on others to anticipate and take care of their needs, which leads to…you guessed it: a sense of entitlement.
Therefore, if you’re getting the sneaking sense that you’re being manipulated into giving a raise, excusing an absence, or helping your friend move knowing you won’t get so much as a pizza out of it, it’s okay to say no. You don’t have to come to their rescue. In fact, you might be doing them a favor by expressing trust in their ability to work it out themselves.
Tip #3: Ask yourself if rights were violated.
Entitled individuals have an interesting way of making themselves the victim. For example, the former CEO of Wells Fargo insisted on national TV that banks were the true victims of the 2008 financial crisis.
What’s more, entitled individuals tend to twist themselves into victims when no actual rights—for example, safety, justice, or equal protection, among others—were violated. Banks don’t have the right to rake in billions of dollars, especially with dubious methods a la Ryan Gosling in “The Big Short.“ The aforementioned driver in the shoulder lane doesn’t have the right to convenience at the expense of others. And Dudley sure doesn’t have the right to thirty-eight presents.
Entitled individuals have a way of convincing themselves (and you!) that circumstances are unfair and the world owes them. If you’re feeling dubious or think you might be being manipulated, ask yourself what right was violated. If it’s not really a right—but instead a want, a wish, an aspiration, or a convenience—you can apply Tips #1 and #2 with confidence.
Tip #4: Remember the difference between worth and entitlement.
“Gimme gimme I’m worth it,” works as a Fifth Harmony lyric, but for the entitled, it becomes a slogan that confuses the two different concepts of worth and entitlement.
There’s a vital difference between “I’m worth it,” and “I deserve it,” especially when it comes to all-too-human pursuits like success, happiness, money, romance, and sex.
Every human has inherent worth. So let’s take romance as an example. Everyone is worthy of a romantic relationship. But no one is entitled to a romantic relationship. It has to be mutually fostered and maintained, not just awarded.
Likewise, as humans, we are each worthy of happiness. But, to crib from a certain Declaration, we are only entitled to the pursuit.
Now, it’s probably not a good idea to lecture the guy in first class demanding a third pillow and more warm nuts on the semantic differences between worth and entitlement, but it’s a helpful distinction to keep in your head.
All in all, entitled people are out there, perhaps even in your family or your workplace. But be consistent, don’t rescue them, and be mindful about rights versus wants and worth versus entitlement. And then? Kick back on the couch. With any luck, your perpetual houseguest may have even refilled the snacks.
Image of entitled kid © Shutterstock
About the Author
Dr. Ellen Hendriksen was the host of the Savvy Psychologist podcast from 2014 to 2019. She is a clinical psychologist at Boston University’s Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders (CARD). She earned her Ph.D. at UCLA and completed her training at Harvard Medical School. Her scientifically-based, zero-judgment approach is regularly featured in Psychology Today, Scientific American, The Huffington Post, and many other media outlets. Her debut book, HOW TO BE YOURSELF: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety, was published in March 2018.