How to Deal with Racism
Has a comment about race left you thinking “Did that just happen?” These incidents of microaggression can be painful and confusing. Savvy Psychologist has 6 tips to deal with racist comments or actions.
Listener Crystal Allen from New York wrote in asking for tips on how to deal with racist interactions.
Let me start off with a disclaimer: I won’t pretend that a 10-minute podcast can solve racism. However, I can provide tips for those on the receiving end of often innocent, yet nonetheless offensive, comments. Next week, we’ll cover what to do if you’re the one who makes the accidental blunder (and we all will).
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Since this is a psychology podcast, we’ll cover individual-to-individual racism, specifically the subtle kind, called microaggression. This term was popularized by psychologist Dr. Derald Wing Sue at Columbia University, author of two books and many studies on the subject.
In a nutshell, microaggressions are unintended discrimination. They include insulting actions (like clutching your purse a little tighter around minority men), invalidations (like assuming a Latino student is on scholarship or asking an Asian-American individual “No, where are you really from?”), and backhanded compliments like, “You sure are articulate,” or “I don’t even think of you as Mexican.”
A microaggression that made the news recently occurred at Harvard, when an African-American student, dressed in a tuxedo for a formal reception, had his champagne flute taken from him by a fellow gala attendee who mistook him for a waiter offering drinks.
Microaggressions usually stem from misunderstanding or innocence, or may even be well-intentioned, but have the same effect as deliberate discrimination. In sum, it’s death by a thousand cuts.
And perpetrators aren’t roaring racists – they’re people just like you and me, most of whom probably consider themselves to be anti-racist. Their microaggressions are unintentional.
Finally, microaggressions transcend race, and also routinely affect women, sexual minorities, folks living with disabilities, and pretty much any marginalized group you can think of.
With that, here are 6 tips to deal with a microaggression that leaves your heart racing and your feelings hurt:
Tip #1: You’re Not Crazy
No, you’re not being too sensitive. Your reaction is valid. Yes, it stings. Yes, it’s awkward. And if it’s someone close to you, it might even feel like a betrayal. But trust yourself. If the comment sticks with you, even hours later, or it makes you mad or sad to replay in your head what happened, know you don’t have to swallow it like a hot coal. Tell someone. Talk to someone who gets it, no matter their color.
Tip #2: Ask “What Do You Mean?”
In the moment, one way to deal with microaggressive comments is to play Columbo. When you’re faced with, “You’re pretty for a dark girl,” or “You’re not like most Asian guys,” simply ask, “What do you mean?”
Usually, they’ll start to explain, realize what they said was offensive, and trail off. There will be residual awkwardness, but a lesson will be learned in a relatively gentle way, plus you won’t have to deliver a lecture or engage in an argument.
Now, it is possible that they’ll keep right on digging themselves into a hole, at which point we move on to…
Tip #3: Decide to Educate or Not
You are under no obligation to educate. You can if you want to, but if you’d prefer not spending another moment in the company of someone who turns your stomach, simply walk away.
Engaging in a long, serious discussion about race can be exhausting and infuriating, so pick your battles. Just as you don’t speak for your entire race, you’re not expected to to educate every tactless person who crosses your path. If it’s someone important in your life, it’s probably worth the energy. But don’t waste your breath on internet trolls, people at parties you’ll never see again, or folks you just know are never going to change.
Tip #4: If You Decide to Educate, Make it About the Words or Actions – Not the Person
If you’re going to have a serious conversation, focus on the words that were said or the action that happened in order to have a more effective dialogue. Don’t make it personal. “You’re racist” basically only has two outcomes: defensiveness or escalation.
On the other hand, “That phrase might get you in trouble” or “That question makes a lot of assumptions,” or “Saying that lumps every person of my color together,” takes the spotlight off the speaker and shines it fully on the words, which makes a real conversation more likely to happen.
Tip #5: Be Proud of Who You Are
There are two schools of thought regarding whether a strong, proud ethnic identity helps you bounce back from discrimination or not. One theory hypothesizes that, if race or ethnicity is a central pillar of your identity, then experiencing discrimination that attacks that core would be particularly damaging.
However, the other theory, called Social Identity Theory, was developed by the pioneering social psychologist Henri Tajfel. His entire family was killed in the Holocaust, which led to his pioneering work studying ingroups, outgroups, and the psychology of prejudice.
Social Identity Theory states that we each affiliate with a variety of possible groups and tend to band together with those like us. Some of the groups we choose – anyone who’s ever been through high school and was a band nerd, skater, druggie, jock, or goth knows how this works.
But some of the groups we’re born into. These include gender, sexual orientation, immigrant status, socioeconomic status, disability, and, of course, race. However, according to Tajfel, once you’re part of an indentified ingroup, you tend to focus on the positive aspects of the group. This both raises self-esteem and invests you in highlighting the positive aspects of your group.
Thus, folks with strong racial identity are essentially committed to feeling proud to be a member of their group, even (or especially) after experiencing a slight based on that very membership.
And research plays it out. A number of studies across racial groups, like African-Americans, and ethnic groups, like Filipino- or Korean-Americans, have found that strong ethnic identity protects mental health in the face of discrimination.
This is why ethnic student associations, civil rights organizations, and nonprofits, or historically Black, Asian, Latino, or Native American institutions and churches are so important. It’s not about excluding “them,” it’s about creating a community of “us.” (And the reason it’s not OK for whites to do the same is because the larger society is already that community of “us.”)
Tip #6: Turn to Your Family
A 2008 study in the Journal of Counseling Psychology examined stress and successful ways to cope with it in over 200 African-American participants. The study found two important things: first, race-related stress was an even greater risk factor for psychological distress than stressful events like financial problems or trouble with in-laws.
The researchers reasoned that this might be because stressful events are usually over within a few weeks or months, plus there are concrete steps you can take to handle things like financial problems. Racism, on the other hand, is relatively constant and less controllable.
The second important finding was that what the researchers dubbed “family resources” – things like family cohesion, family members being able to ask for what they want, and involvement in one another’s lives – was linked to lower levels of race-related stress.
For you, your family may be the family you were born into, or it may be the family of friends you’ve surrounded yourself with over the years. Either way, it turns out family support is key to hold you up when racist interactions push you down.
That’s all for now. Next week we’ll talk about how to be an anti-racist ally, what to do if you’re accidentally on the committing end of a microaggression, and why you shouldn’t claim to be colorblind.
A final note: You may be curious about my background (or not at all, in which case just skip this part). My mother is Okinawan-American and my father is white, of Norwegian and English ancestry. (For listeners in Hawai’i or California, I’m hapa).
Most Asian people can tell I’m “something,” though at Asian-American student conferences I’ve been asked “Why are you here?” When I was little, folks thought my mom was the nanny or that my dad had adopted me. It’s a funny existence and I’ve slipped in and out of other people’s projected identities my whole life – I’ve been assumed to be Latina, Middle Eastern, Filipino, Korean, Italian, the list goes on.
All this notwithstanding, for the Savvy Psychologist podcast, I rely, as always, on the science (check out those kickin’ references below). Plus, most of you have figured out that no matter my proud racial background, I am also fundamentally…a big nerd. Thanks for listening!
Get more savvy by subscribing to the podcast on iTunes or Stitcher, or get the episode delivered straight to your inbox by signing up for the newsletter. Plus, follow me on Facebook and Twitter.
References
Barrow, F.H., Armstrong, M.I., Vargo, A., & Boothroyd, R.A. (2007). Understanding the findings of resilience-related research for fostering the development of African American adolescents. Child & Adolescent Psychiatric Clinics of North America, 16, 393-413.
Lee, R. M. (2005). Resilience against discrimination: Ethnic identity and other-group orientation as protective factors for Korean Americans. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 52, 36–44.
Mossakowski, K. N. (2003). Coping with perceived discrimination: Does ethnic identity protect mental health? Journal of Health and Social Behavior, 44, 318–331.
Neblett, E., Shelton, J. N., & Sellers, R. M. (2004). The role of racial identity in managing daily racial hassles. In G. Philogene (Ed.), Race and identity: The legacy of Kenneth Clark. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association Press.
Sellers, R. M., Caldwell, C. H., Schmeelk-Cone, K. H., & Zimmerman, M. A. (2003). Racial identity, racial discrimination, perceived stress, and psychological distress among African American young adults. Journal of Health and Social Behavior, 44, 302–317.
Sue, D.W. (2010). Microaggressions in Everyday Life: Race, Gender, and Sexual Orientation. Hoboken, New Jersey: John Wiley & Sons, Inc.
Tajfel, H., Turner, J. C., & (2001). An integrative theory of intergroup conflict. In M.Hogg & D. Abrams (Eds.), The social psychology of intergroup relations (pp. 94–109). New York: Psychology Press.
Utsey, S.O., Giesbrecht, N., Hook, J. & Stanard, P.M. (2008). Cultural, sociofamilial, and psychological resources that inhibit psychological distress in African Americans exposed to stressful life events and race-related stress. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 55, 49-62.
Yip, T., Gee, G. C., & Takeuchi, D. T. (2008). Racial discrimination and psychological distress: The impact of ethnic identity and age among immigrant and United States-born Asian adults. Developmental Psychology, 44, 787-800.
Chess pieces, fishbowl and two fishbowls images corutesy of Shutterstock.
About the Author
Dr. Ellen Hendriksen was the host of the Savvy Psychologist podcast from 2014 to 2019. She is a clinical psychologist at Boston University’s Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders (CARD). She earned her Ph.D. at UCLA and completed her training at Harvard Medical School. Her scientifically-based, zero-judgment approach is regularly featured in Psychology Today, Scientific American, The Huffington Post, and many other media outlets. Her debut book, HOW TO BE YOURSELF: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety, was published in March 2018.
