How to Deal With the Quarter-Life Crisis
Call it entering the real world, call it halfway between nothing and something, or call it emerging adulthood. Whatever you call it, it’s the quarter-life crisis. This week, Savvy Psychologist Dr. Ellen Hendriksen offers five tips for dealing with the change and unpredictability of being a young adult.
Ellen Hendriksen, PhD
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How to Deal With the Quarter-Life Crisis
Your early twenties are nothing if not perplexing. Society sends you confusing messages—you’re trusted to choose a president and kick back with a cocktail, but apparently you can’t handle renting a car.
But it’s not just those hovering at the threshold of Grownupland who experience soul-searching, anxiety, and feeling like you’re being left behind. This week, whether you’re 22, 42, or 72, we’ll cover 5 tips for anytime you find yourself lost in transition.
But first, let’s look at why early adulthood is so difficult. According to the renowned developmental psychologist Erik Erikson, whose 1950’s theory of psychosocial development is still used today, emerging adults find themselves at the confluence of two major life stages.
Each of Erikson’s stages are named as if they were wrestling matchups; one stage, a head-to-head named Identity vs Confusion encompasses the teen years. At this age, a sense of identity develops—who you are, where you come from, what you stand for, where you fit in society. In other words, this stage is essentially figuring out who you want to be when you grow up. And failing to determine this results in insecurity and, as the name of the stage implies, confusion.
But a lot has changed since the 1950’s when Erikson first developed his theory. These days, most people are still figuring out who they are into their twenties and even their early thirties. So the Identity vs Confusion stage may not be resolved by the time the next smackdown comes around: Intimacy vs Isolation, which Erikson theorized spanned from approximately age 20-40.
In this matchup, what’s at stake is love. The ability to form close relationships, whether romantic or not, is the core of this challenge. And if deep ties with family, friends, or a partner or series of partners aren’t formed, we risk loneliness and again, as the name implies, isolation.
In both these stages, a lot is at stake. Plus, throw into the mix a quick succession of transitions: graduation from high school or college, finding a job, figuring out where and how to live, and searching for romance, and it’s no wonder emerging adulthood is such a tough time.
In the face of all this, it may feel like you’re doomed to end up confused and alone. But the very fact you’re worried about it means it’s on your radar screen, which in turn means you’ll probably be fine. But in the meantime, while you’re figuring out how to be a grownup (or at least realizing it’s inappropriate to get drunk at a baby shower), here are 5 tips to test out:
Tip #1: Don’t wait to do what you love. One hallmark of the quarter-life crisis is questioning what you thought you wanted to do professionally. So take on what’s called the side hustle: start calling your job your “day job” and pivot foot by foot into the job or field you truly want: take classes at night, volunteer in your target field, or get up early to work on your novel or launch your startup. It’s pretty common to realize that how you pay the bills doesn’t match your passion, but it’s important also to realize that you’re never truly stuck. Use your after-hours to launch yourself into work that doesn’t feel like work. But remember Tip #2…
Tip #2: Remember that overnight success takes years. The quarter-life crisis is often marked by feeling impatient about not living up to your potential. You may be frustrated that you’re waiting tables when you want to be selling screenplays to Hollywood, hit it big with a viral blog, or even just find a job that includes health insurance.
The quarter-life crisis is often marked by feeling impatient about not living up to your potential.
Successful entrepreneurs, writers, artists, or leaders seem to roar into public consciousness all at once. They look like an overnight success, but I guarantee you their success is the result of years of laying the groundwork. Be patient. Do the work. You’ll get there. Which brings us to…
Tip #3: Realize it’s not a race. Another big symptom of a quarter-life crisis is feeling like you’re falling behind. Your friends are buying their first homes and getting married, and you still have roommates and are swiping your way through Tinder. But remember it’s not a competition. There are tradeoffs with every choice. You may envy a friend’s fat paycheck, but not realize their nose is to the grindstone 15 hours a day or that they’re on the tight leash of corporate culture. By contrast, you may envy another friend’s committed relationship, but not realize they miss the freedom of being single or that things aren’t as rosy as they appear. Likewise, there are likely multiple ways to view your story. If you’re freelancing, for example, you may see the struggle to get work as falling behind, while others may see your control over your schedule as being more “grown up.”
Either way, it’s not a race. Think of it this way: once you stop looking over the fence at the other grass, you can concentrate on making your grass exactly how you want it.
See also: How Not To Be Envious
Tip #4: Take advantage of shrinking stigma by reaching out for help. Thankfully, the stigma of seeking professional help is shrinking, especially among emerging adults. Indeed, in a 2016 survey by the Anxiety and Depression Association of Americaopens PDF file , 18% of individuals ages 18-25 had seen a mental health professional in the past year, compared to 11% of people over 25. Indeed, my office is no exception: fully half the people I see are under 25.
And young adults are more likely to see getting professional help as a good thing; indeed, in the survey, a full 60% of those under 25 saw it as a sign of strength, as opposed to just 35% of those 25 and over.
Tip #5: Know when to stay and when to go. Sometimes you find yourself in a job or relationship that might have long term potential, but you’re not so sure.
How to tell whether you should stick it out? Use this rule of thumb: ask if it’s congruent with who you are. In other words, are you trying to make it work? Are you forcing it? Are you contorting yourself around the job, relationship, or situation, accommodating and accommodating until you’re no longer yourself? If so, get out of there. But if it’s in line with your values and goals, even if things are rocky, it’s worth fighting for.
More than a decade ago, at age 23, I dealt with my own quarter-life crisis by breaking off an ill-fated relationship, moving 3,000 miles across the country, and switching career paths all at once. It was drastic, but it worked. Looking back, I realize I was shifting my life until it was congruent with my values. In my old situation, I felt like a misfit, but little by little, I found a city, a job, and a relationship that truly fit.
So no matter your existential wrestling matchup—identity vs confusion, intimacy vs isolation, getting the next round vs paying your rent—you’ll be ready to rumble with time, hard work, and a realization that everyone makes some cringe-worthy decisions as a young adult. Just draw the line at drunk-dialing your ex, your boss, or your mom to tell them about it.
Next week, we’ll tackle the midlife crisis, and something I’ve been thinking about a lot recently—what to do when it feels like time is speeding up and your life is whizzing by.
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About the Author
Dr. Ellen Hendriksen was the host of the Savvy Psychologist podcast from 2014 to 2019. She is a clinical psychologist at Boston University’s Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders (CARD). She earned her Ph.D. at UCLA and completed her training at Harvard Medical School. Her scientifically-based, zero-judgment approach is regularly featured in Psychology Today, Scientific American, The Huffington Post, and many other media outlets. Her debut book, HOW TO BE YOURSELF: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety, was published in March 2018.