How to Deal With Toddler Temper Tantrums
You see, I wear two hats as a doctor, and one of them is that of a pediatrician.
Rob Lamberts, MD
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How to Deal With Toddler Temper Tantrums
Today I am not going to talk about your health. Well, perhaps this pertains to your mental health. You see, I wear two hats as a doctor, and one of them is that of a pediatrician. Since I’ve been seeing children for over 15 years, I know what is normal for children, and what to worry about. Much of pediatrics is simply reassuring parents that their child is normal. This is clearly the case in the common child behavior I am going to cover in today’s podcast: temper tantrums.
And finally let me remind you that this podcast is for informational purposes only. My goal is to add to your medical knowledge and translate some of the weird medical stuff you hear, so when you do go to your doctor, your visits will be more fruitful. I don’t intend to replace your doctor; he or she is the one you should always consult about your own medical condition.
But I’m sure you knew that already.
My Temper Tantrum Experience
Back to temper tantrums.
My experience in this area goes beyond my job as a pediatrician; I am also the father of four children. Not only did we have four children, we had our first three kids very close together –our third child was born before our first turned three. Yes, it was pure insanity. After our third child we figured out the cause of these babies, and took counter-measures. Our fourth came four years later.
My wife is a terrific mother, and generally enjoys the role. But one experience stands out as one of her blackest moments. She was in Wal-Mart with the three young kids. They weren’t bad children, but the label “laid back” didn’t apply to them either. They were boisterous, loud, and very curious; in short, they were normal. One of the kids had not gotten something they wanted and started screaming. Not wanting to miss the fun, the other kids to joined the screaming fest. As she frantically tried to quiet the tumult, she noticed the searing glares of the other shoppers. One man nearby muttered loud enough to hear: “If I had five minutes with those kids they would behave themselves.”
She was humiliated. She felt like the worst parent ever and expressed this in tears to me that evening.
It is Not Your Fault
Since then I have heard many similar stories from the parents in my practice. When I see the traumatized look in their eyes I tell them one thing: IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Really. Between 12 and 24 months of age children go through a developmental phase in which they learn the art of humiliation. They scream, they hit, they bite, they throw things, and they often wait until there are other people around to do it.
A New Developmental Phase
When a child is under a year of age, they really don’t understand the outside world. To them, they are the world and everything else is there for them to experience. They come out of this phase around their first birthday, realizing that not only are their mommies and daddies different from them, they don’t always do what the child wants them to do. Sometimes mommy goes away. Sometimes daddy says “no.” Sometimes they have to go to bed when they want to torture the dog.
How do they handle this new realization? They try to control their environment by brute force. They scream. They do this to keep mommy from leaving. They do this to teach daddy that he shouldn’t say “no.” They do this to get what they want immediately. This is a normal developmental phase children go through in the second year of their life. It is not a sign of bad parenting; it is normal. I repeat: it is normal.
How You React Now Matters
This doesn’t mean that you reward your child for acting in ways that make you consider hard liquor — for both you and your child. How you react to them when they do go through this phase will determine if you fight this battle when they get older. Believe me, you want to get through this phase as quickly as possible.
Before I get to my quick and dirty tips on this subject, let me mention one more group of people. There are some parents whose children don’t throw temper tantrums. Their children are always polite and kind to animals. They always sleep through the night and their diapers never stink. These are the people that make the rest of us insecure. Even though they may think it is their great parenting that caused this child to be so angelic, I can assure you that it has very little to do with them. I sometimes wonder if these are the people who write books on parenting.
Don’t worry. These people are the weirdoes, not you. Their kids are aberrations, not yours. Just forget that they exist and hear my advice. OK?
Quick and Dirty Tips for Dealing With Temper Tantrums
Tip 1: Don’t Grab the Tiger by the Tail
The whole point of a temper tantrum is to put on a show so the child gets what he wants. Ignoring the show is the best way to handle it. But if it is impossible to ignore, stay calm. We used to say: “I can’t have you throw a fit in here. If you want to throw a fit, you’ll have to do it in your bedroom. Once you are done, you can come back out.” It’s a major downer to throw a fit by yourself.
Disciplining a tantrum will only bring attention to the child. It will make this normal behavior into a battle of wills. Don’t do it. Besides, it is not “bad” behavior (it’s just loud).
Tip 2: Avoid Public Humiliation
If your child makes you feel foolish whenever you go to Wal-Mart, don’t go with them to Wal-Mart. That may be impossible in some circumstances, but I have seen many parents bring their 18-Month child to a quiet restaurant or a movie theater. That is a recipe for disaster. You may end up being a homebody for a year or so, but that’s just one of the prices of parenting.
Tip 3: If You can’t Avoid, Distract
Sometimes you can’t avoid going to the grocery store with your child. When you do get in public, bring along ways to keep your child distracted. When they do start to scream, find some way to get their attention. That may seem like giving in to the tantrum— perhaps it is — but there is the small issue of survival that needs to be considered.
Tip 4: Coat Yourself in Teflon
Somehow you need to ignore those busybodies that tell you are spoiling your child and those hairy-eyeballs you get from people at the store. They are wrong. Strengthen your resolve – possibly by talking to your pediatrician or friends who understand, or possibly by listening to this podcast 100 times. Whatever it takes, you need to believe you are doing the right thing.
That’s just the tip of the iceberg on parenting, but it’s all I have time for in this podcast. I hope I have talked some parents off of the ledge, now that I explained that they are not the worst parent ever. You aren’t!
In the meantime, my Quick and Dirty Tips colleague, Mighty Mommy, has lots of helpful tips on discipline and getting through the toddler years.
If you have topics you want me to address, send them to housecalldoctor@quickanddirtytips.comcreate new email. You can also tweet your suggestions to me at @houscalldoc or become part of the House Call Doctor throng on Facebook.
Catch you next time! Stay Healthy!