How to Face Your Fears
Keep your rational fears, and eliminate the irrational fears by examining them in the light of day.
Fear. It’s probably the number one thing that holds us back from doing things we want to do or need to do. We wallow in it. And yet, we’re living in one of the safest times in human history. In America, we’re afraid even though we’re the physically safest country in all of human history. We’re bordered by two oceans, Mexico, and Canada. Need I say more? Our top cause of violent death is being shot by a family member, which doesn’t happen nearly as often as people think (nor, given some families, does it happen as often as it should). Yet, we live in fear almost constantly. In this article I’ll tell you how to face your fears.
Is Fear a Part of Your Life?
Fear crushes life. Not fear like, “Oh, look, there’s a Sabre tooth tiger, let’s run away”—that’s useful fear. Dastardly fear keeps me from expressing myself by saying, “If I wear my fluorescent, crushed-velvet jumpsuit, people will think I’m weird.” Those fears may seem similar, but they’re not.
The Sabre-tooth tiger is right here. Judging by the teeth and the (ick!) smell of its breath, it isn’t playing games. Nor is it using mouthwash.
The jump-suit fear, though understandable, is made up. There’s no real danger. I’m at an arts festival, in a comfy chair, listening to birds chirp. A man in a leopard-print loincloth and body paint just walked by. He is not carrying a concealed weapon; he couldn’t conceal anything in that outfit, and even if he were, he probably wouldn’t shoot me over a crushed-velvet jumpsuit. The worst that can happen is he’ll think I’m weird. Or he won’t take my ideas seriously. Or he won’t invite me to play reindeer games with the other reindeer. As if I had any desire to smell like a reindeer.
None of these are the end of the world, yet I react as if the jumpsuit were a Sabre- tooth tiger. I’m scared silly by fantasies of my own making. But if I can make them, I should unmake them, too.
Overcome The Fear You’re Creating for Yourself
Face your thinking about fear because the thinking is almost always what’s scary.
One way to overcome fear is to face it. I don’t mean to face fear by doing what I’m afraid of; I’m way too chicken for that.
One way to overcome fear is to face your thinking about it.
I face my thinking about fear. Since thinking is almost always what’s scary (leopard-print loincloth notwithstanding), it’s the scary thinking that needs to be exposed to the light of day.
Remember, I’m not a licensed psychologist, I’m a Get-it-Done Geek. If you have deep rooted issues, don’t do this except under care of your mental health professional. Find a comfy place to curl up, and bring your blankee or your pillow. Be safe.
Think of something you want to do but you somehow don’t ever do it. Ask yourself what you’re afraid of. If it’s something huge like, “I’m afraid the Evil Man will kidnap me again and keep me in a cellar for another 19 years,” pick something else. Save that one for your therapist. In the Broadway musical Wicked, Elphaba, the wicked witch, sings “Defying Gravity” and celebrates her courage to close her eyes and leap! I wanted to sing it at karaoke tonight … but I was too scared. Ironic? Totally! My unconscious is way crueler than yours. Your fear may be more mainstream: “I want to ask for a raise but I’m afraid my boss will fire me.”
Ask yourself honestly if the fear is reasonable. Has your boss fired other people when they asked for raises? If the answer is “No,” feel that. Your boss doesn’t fire people who ask for raises. You can ask and your boss won’t fire you.
Explore the Consequences
Next explore the consequences you’re scared of. This is when you bring out your blankee to hug. What are you afraid are the consequences of getting fired? Be honest with yourself, because this can be the scary part. “My boss will fire me.” And what will happen then? “And I’ll never be able to get a job again.” And what will happen then? “My husband, wife, significant other, and polyamorous family unit will all leave me!” And what will happen then? “I’ll end up crazy and insane, living on the streets, talking to my shopping cart.”
As you explore the question, stay safe and secure. Hug your blankee, and consider your fear objectively. If you feel yourself leave that safe space, stop, come back to the here and now, and only start again when you feel safe and present. Then put your starting and ending sentences together.
“I’m afraid if I ask for a raise, I’ll end up crazy and insane, living on the streets.” When you put it like that, it seems pretty silly. Let’s get more realistic and more positive.
Find an Alternative
List five positive scenarios that are more likely than what you just listed. If I ask for a raise…
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I might get one.
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My boss might say no, but tells me everything I need to get one next year.
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I will be proud of myself for asking, no matter what the answer.
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I’ll feel more courageous in asking for what I want in my life in general.
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Instead of (or in addition to) a raise, they might give me a chance to work on a special project that will position me for a better future career.
At this point, you may find your fear has lessened and you can think about the situation and make a smart, rational choice, instead of being an incoherent pile of emotion.
How to Start Overcoming Your Fears
Now you’re ready to start overcoming the rest of your fears. First, choose a small fear that’s just getting in your way on a daily basis. Small, small, small. Put yourself in a safe, resourceful frame of mind. Ask if your fear really makes sense. Then explore, safely, the consequences you’re so afraid of. Link up the initial fear with the wildest consequences so you can see the absurdity. Then dwell on several positive scenarios that are just as likely.
In the case of my Karaoke, I was scared hitting a wrong note would tank my Broadway career. Since I don’t have a Broadway career, it seems much more sensible to relax about the whole thing. Next time, I’ll trust my instincts, close my eyes, and leap! After all, it could be worse, I could be singing Karaoke in nothing but a leopard print loincloth.
This is Stever Robbins. Email questions to and join my Facebook page at Facebook.com/GetItDoneGuy.
Work Less, Do More, and have a Great Life!
RESOURCES:
https://www.WickedTheMusical.com “Wicked,” the Broadway musical