How to Grow a Thick Skin and Handle Criticism
Does even constructive criticism cut you to the core? Savvy Psychologist offers 12 ways to develop thicker skin and make the most of negative feedback.
Ellen Hendriksen, PhD
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How to Grow a Thick Skin and Handle Criticism
Just living in the world opens you up to criticism, but doing anything in the public eye, from writing a blog, to performing stand-up comedy, to coaching your kid’s soccer team, will invite judgment and criticism. And doing anything truly innovative will guarantee it.
So how to brace yourself? This week, by request from listener Carolyn, here are 12 ways to deal with criticism.
How to Deal with Angry Criticism
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You’ve pissed someone off, or someone is pissed already, and now they’re letting you have it:
Tip #1: Dig for the softer emotion beneath their anger. Angry criticism almost always means the critic feels hurt in some way. We’ve talked about this on the Savvy Psychologist podcast before, but it bears repeating: Anger is a secondary emotion. It’s a reaction to a softer primary emotion underneath like hurt, shame, guilt, or humiliation. People get hurt first, and then they get angry. .
But when you listen beneath the anger for the softer emotion, it’s much easier to feel sympathetic toward the critic. And while it’s hard to feel sorry for someone who’s wrapped their feedback with prickly barbs, try to think about what button you might have pushed. And then, do this:
Tip #2: Be noble. Kill them with kindness. Well, maybe not kill them, but throw them off balance by being nice and non-defensive. Unless your critic is truly evil, he’ll hem and haw and maybe even apologize when you unleash a barrage of nice. Handle the situation in a way that you imagine someone both confident and poised would handle it. Once you’re through the woods, congratulate yourself both for handling it head-on and taking the high road.
Tip #3: If you’re just the messenger, agree with the critic. If you’re getting panned for something beyond your control, align yourself with the critic. “I know, you’re right. It stinks that the meeting has to be rescheduled. I wish it had worked out better, too.” Redirect the anger away from you and toward the situation.
What not to do?
Tip #4: Don’t get defensive or blame others. Defensive arguments don’t come across as logical or reasonable – you’ll just seem tiresome and difficult. And blaming is even worse – it just looks pathetic. Resist throwing someone under the bus.
How to Deal with Negative Feedback
Next, what to do with negative feedback that’s not angry and is presented fairly and professionally. This is often the hardest to hear. It stinks to hear that your idea, performance, or talent isn’t up to par.
Tip #5: It’s not what they say, it’s what you hear. This is the big one. Interpretation has a lot to do with this. If a comment or criticism has truly seared you or thrown you into a multi-day crying jag, the critic must have pushed a button.
If you find yourself nodding and smiling on the outside but dying inside, ask yourself “What does this comment mean about me?” Likely, your answer won’t have anything to do with what your critic said. For instance, perhaps your critic said “Your resume wasn’t quite what we’re looking for right now,” but you took it as, “I totally screwed up that interview; I’m never going to get a job.” Notice that those are two completely different statements. Avoid over-interpretation and speculation – they’ll just make you feel lousy.
Tip #6: Consider that the critic might be wrong! A colleague of mine recently criticised another for focusing too much on taking care of patients and not enough on research. The target of the criticism was devastated, until she realized it was just his opinion. From her point of view and values, he was just plain wrong. Realizing she could reject his criticism was empowering for her. When it’s your turn to hear criticism, remember: Just because someone says it, doesn’t mean it’s true.
Tip #7: Criticism might mean you’re a misunderstood innovator. Perhaps folks just aren’t ready for your work. Almost every true innovator has stories about collecting reams of negative feedback before finally breaking through. Consider that the critic may not see you or your revolutionary ideas for what they’re worth.
However, also consider…
Tip #8: Maybe your critic has a point. The flip side of the misunderstood genius is the slacker with potential. Sometimes criticism might just mean your work isn’t your best effort yet. Maybe your presentation is sloppy, or your idea not well-thought out enough. Seize the criticism as a wake-up call. Some extra polish may make your work shine. Thank your critic and get to work.
Tip #9: Mine the criticism for advice. Ask any successful person about his or her early days and you’ll get stories of spectacular failure. In Stephen King’s memoir On Writing, he writes that he stuck every rejection letter on a nail in the wall of his bedroom until it would no longer support all that weight. And then? He replaced the nail with a spike and kept going. But on those rejection letters he also got some handwritten scribbles of praise and advice, which kept him going even as the spike continued to fill. Likewise, hold on tightly to the tiny bits of guidance and admiration swimming in your negative feedback. A compliment, even wrapped in rejection, can go a long way.
What if You’re New to Criticism
What if you’re a people pleaser? Or an overachiever used to hearing nothing but praise? In short, what if you’re a newbie to criticism (and scared of it to boot)?
Tip #10: Re-imagine yourself as a gritty survivor. Or a weathered grande dame. Or a man of principle. (You get the picture.) Many of us who are thin-skinned spend a lot of energy making sure everyone likes us. Maybe we’re a good girl or good guy who’s never really stepped out of line. Or maybe we’ve been sheltered and have simply never been through the wringer. Regardless, avoiding criticism is exhausting. Rethink your idea of yourself so you’re more open to criticism. And rethink criticism as an indicator that you’re doing important work or a sign that you’re truly grown up.
How to Deal with Insults
Next, what about straight out insults, like from internet trolls or those folks who were just born on the wrong side of the bed?
Tip #11: Consider the context. A listener asked me how to deal specifically with critical internet comments. Well, a wise person once said, “The comments section is the bathroom wall of the internet.” I love this comparison. In both cases, you’ll find a gem once in a while (like when Savvy Psychologist readers and listeners post their insightful thoughts), but oftentimes it’s just careless commentary. Also regarding the comments section, discredit anything anonymous. Those comments really, honestly, are not about you – it’s a performance for the troll’s friends or an insecure little power trip for himself.
Tip #12: Remember that the criticism says more about the critic than it says about you. A critic’s judgmental remark doesn’t mean the remark is true; it means the critic is judgy. Likewise with catty, entitled, or selfish criticism. The only person these remarks degrade is the critic.
A final note: Basically, the only way to avoid criticism is, as the old saying goes, to “Say nothing, do nothing, and be nothing.” And that’s no fun. So instead, collect those critical comments, stick them on that spike, and keep on chugging.
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Please note that all content here is strictly for informational purposes only. This content does not substitute any medical advice, and does not replace any medical judgment or reasoning by your own personal health provider. Please always seek a licensed physician in your area regarding all health related questions and issues.
About the Author
Dr. Ellen Hendriksen was the host of the Savvy Psychologist podcast from 2014 to 2019. She is a clinical psychologist at Boston University’s Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders (CARD). She earned her Ph.D. at UCLA and completed her training at Harvard Medical School. Her scientifically-based, zero-judgment approach is regularly featured in Psychology Today, Scientific American, The Huffington Post, and many other media outlets. Her debut book, HOW TO BE YOURSELF: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety, was published in March 2018.