How to Handle a Bossy Child
Got a bossy boots in your midst?  Check out Mighty Mommy’s 5 easy tips for turning that controlling  behavior around.
Cheryl Butler
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How to Handle a Bossy Child
When the majority of my 8 kids were babies and pre-schoolers, I prayed that other young families would move into the neighborhood because most folks in our community were either retired or college kids.Â
I openly admit that I wanted adult companionship more so than playmates for my kids. Unfortunately, until recently, that didn’t happen. But just these past few years, we’ve had a surge of new families join our neighborhood and most of them have toddlers and pre-school aged kids. Better late than never!Â
We gather with our neighbors pretty regularly and as the veteran mommy of the group, I get asked lots of questions about everything from toilet training to how I survive those days when I really don’t like my kids. (Yes, that happens too!)Â
The topic at hand during our recent get-together was one near and dear to my heart. An exasperated young mother asked me: “How do you deal with a bossy child without losing your mind and your patience?”
When dealing with a bossy child, there are 5 strategies you can put into place to course correct the bossiness and teach them to “play nice.”
Here are 5 tips that worked for Mighty Mommy when she had a bossy pants in her midst.>
Tip #1:Â Satisfy the Need to Be in Charge
Whenever one of our kids went through a bossy phase, we usually found that they were struggling with worry that their own needs weren’t going to get met.Â
For example, when we brought a new baby home from the hospital (which we did 7 times), that would easily trigger negative behaviors because the child was afraid he wasn’t going to get the attention he wanted from us.
One way to negate bossy behavior is to offer up small ways that your child can be in charge. For example, if you notice that your 4-year-old is always calling the shots with her younger brother and not allowing him to play the game he wants to play, suggest she pretend that she’s the teacher and her little brother is the student or give her 3 different other ideas to choose from: 
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She is the taxi driver and he’s the passenger who rides in her car and tells her where he wants to go.
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Use blocks to build castles so that each child gets to choose a make-believe place they want to build.
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She is the doctor and he is the sick patient who needs a check-up.
These are just 3 ideas. The point is to offer up creative alternatives to the bossiness so it turns into a fun game instead.
Tip #2:Â Model How to Give Directions
Oftentimes our kids simply repeat the behaviors they learn from watching us.Â
See also: 5 Ways to Change Bratty Behavior
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Stop and take a look at how you ask your spouse and your kids to do things. When it’s time to take out the trash, do you ask your partner “Honey, can you please take the trash out, it’s getting full?” or do you bark an order, “When are you going to take that trash out?”  Â
Modeling our own requests in a positive, calm manner can make a big difference in how our kids talk to their siblings and peers.
Tip #3:Â Role Play
Most pre-schoolers love to act things out in dramatic play scenarios. Take advantage of this by coming up with a skit using stuffed animals, dolls, or action figures. Suggest that you put on a play together. Let him decide who is going to act out a scene first—most likely, he’s going to want to go first. Be engaged and interested as you observe whatever scenario he acts out, then thank him for his part and remind him that you have the next turn.Â
Use this opportunity to act out a scenario in which one of your characters is ordering the other one around. Be sure that the other character expresses how badly they feel at this behavior.
When you are done with your skit, suggest he now turns the scene around by showing you how it could be done nicer. These small opportunities can be expanded upon if you role play throughout the week. Look for as many situations as possible to take advantage of modeling turn-taking and asking permission to do things with other people, rather than being bossy.
Tip #4: Say “Yes” Whenever Possible
No one likes to be told “No” the majority of the time and let’s face it, pre-schoolers make unreasonable requests all day long and get told “No” on a regular basis. Â
Hearing “No, you can’t have a brownie before dinner” or “No, you’re not staying up late to watch a TV program” can wear on a young child and cause them to act out. It can also cause them to get bossy with others because they want that sense of control.Â
Look for opportunities to say “Yes” to your child whenever possible so they feel like their personal wants and needs are being met. Maybe your son wants to play carwash with his matchbox cars. Your instinct is to say “No, it will be too messy.” Instead, why not let him sit in the tub with a bowl of water and a washcloth. He’ll have fun, the mess will be minimal because he’s contained it in the tub, and he’ll feel like he’s being heard.
Tip #5:Â Play Board GamesÂ
Most bossy kids have the need to win. Board games are a wonderful opportunity to nonchalantly enforce turn-taking and playing by a set of rules. It’s also a good moment to reinforce that the joy can be in the game itself, rather than the outcome.
Get excited about your game of Candyland. Make a big deal about how much fun it is for the two of you to enjoy the time together, not about who is winning or losing. This will help plant the seed that it’s not about winning, it’s about interacting and enjoying an experience together.
How have you dealt with a bossy child? Share your thoughts in the Comments section at quickanddirtytips.com/mightymommy, post your ideas on the Mighty Mommy Facebook page. or email me at mommy@quickanddirtytips.comcreate new email.
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Bossy girl image courtesy of Shutterstock.
About the Author
Cheryl L. Butler was the host of the Mighty Mommy podcast for nine years from 2012 to 2021. She is the mother of eight children. Her experiences with infertility, adoption, seven pregnancies, and raising children with developmental delays have helped her become a resource on the joys and challenges of parenting. You can reach her by email.