How to Handle Rude Questions
How do you respond when people ask rude and personal questions? It’s a sticky situation. The Public Speaker Lisa B. Marshall offers some advice.
Why do people ask rude and personal questions? Here’s a letter from a listener with this problem, and I think my answer can be applied to most rude questions:
Hi Lisa,
I live in Sao Paulo, Brazil. Usually I receive the following question, “When will you get pregnant?” This question usually comes up in meetings with family, friends, and even at work. People start conversations by talking about marriage, then ask how long you’ve been married. If any woman is married for over two years, the next question is, when is the baby coming?
I get annoyed because I don’t want to have babies and as I am eight years married, society pressure is getting high. I have tried several times to explain very politely that babies are not in my plans. But then people, family, and friends start pushing, telling me that I must have a baby, that I’m selfish, that I need a kid, etc.
I’m just tired of this question and I think it is very private. I don’t ask fat people when they will go on a diet or unemployed about when they will find a job and so on. I don’t think I have to provide explanations about my personal decisions.
I hope you can help me. Alline O
Sometimes Questions Are Just About Connecting
Well, Alline, you are more considerate than many people. You recognize a sensitive subject and assume that if the other person wants to talk about it, he or she will bring it up. But some people don’t seem to think that way. They have their own views and apply them to other people, without considering how those people feel about it.
I lived in Panama (Central America) for several months, learning Spanish. I was married and had not yet had any children, and I used to get asked this same question almost every day. At first I was uncomfortable, but then I realized they were just trying to make conversation, that talking about having kids was just a societal expectation.
In essence, they were asking in order to show interest and concern for my future. I truly believe they did not realize that what they were asking was very personal for me. The motives were well-intended but. nonetheless. the questions were intrusive. I chose to believe that most people who asked were simply trying to make a connection with me. Yes, they were misguided and awkward, but still just trying to make a connection. So even though the delivery was off, I tried to show appreciation for the attempt at connecting.
Respond As If Person Cares About You
On the other hand, I only had to deal with it for a few months … I can imagine it getting “old” after eight years, especially if the same people keep asking. I think the same thing happens here to some extent, but in the U.S., I think people are more sensitive and realize that it may not be possible for you to have kids, or you may not want them. I suspect that here in the U.S., after asking a few times, most people would give up—except maybe someone’s mom!
When a person is asking for the first time, try to assume the motivation is positive, and reframe the question in your mind as an attempt at connection (or at helpfulness). Yes, you can be hurt, angry, humiliated, etc. Those feelings are real, but you don’t need to express them or react to them. Instead, your response should be kind, but firm. “I appreciate your interest … but I just don’t know. It’s not something I talk about in public.” Or, you could try, “Thanks for asking … that’s a tough subject for me. I really don’t know.” Remember that even though this may be the 100th time someone has asked, it’s still the first time they are asking. So just respond and follow up with a question of your own.
Be Firm, But Polite
Repeated questions from the same people should be handled more firmly. I had a friend who was married for several years and would frequently get asked in jest when she was going to start having children. Finally she got sick of it one day and said firmly, “Please stop asking that. It’s a very sensitive subject.” That gave the impression that she was trying to have children but couldn’t, and that shut everyone up! No one wanted to hurt her by asking again. You may want to soften your response a bit by saying, “I’m not sure if you realize it, but that’s a particularly sensitive subject for me. I prefer not to talk about it. and It would really help if you would stop asking.”
Whichever approach you choose, be sure to immediately change the subject. Ask a question of the speaker (or someone else) immediately after you say that, so that the conversation can easily continue on and not uncomfortably dwell on the topic. In fact, you may want to have two or three question ready for exactly this situation. If you do this enough times, people should get the idea you aren’t going to talk about it.
This approach can be used for any rude question. First, don’t let your emotions dictate you, you dictate your emotions. Next, tell the person firmly but patiently that you will not discuss it. Then change the subject. By the way, in my book Smart Talk, I discuss in dedicate an entire chapter to how to deal with difficult people and another chapter to how to have difficult conversations—both of which may be of value in this situation.
This is Lisa B. Marshall helping you to lead and influence. If you’d like to learn more about compelling communication, I invite you to read my bestselling books, Smart Talk and Ace Your Interview, and listen to my other podcast, Smart Talk. As always, your success is my business.
Image courtesy of Shutterstock.
About the Author
Lisa B. Marshall Lisa holds masters with duel degrees in interpersonal/intercultural communication and organizational communication. She’s the author of Smart Talk: The Public Speaker’s Guide to Success in Every Situation, as well as Ace Your Interview, Powerful Presenter, and Expert Presenter. Her work has been featured in CBS Money Watch, Ragan.com, Woman’s Day, Glamour, Cosmopolitan, and many others. Her institutional clients include Johns Hopkins Medicine, Harvard University, NY Academy of Science, University of Pennsylvania, Genentech, and Roche.
