How to Have Difficult Conversations
When you need to deal with an awkward topic, it can be tempting to run from it. Screaming. But with Get-It-Done Guy’s approach, you can master the difficult conversation and make your life a lot easier.
Europa unfortunately mixed up several purchase orders for Bernice’s plant stores, Green Growing Things I and II. Deliveries were made to the wrong addresses, and by the time it was all sorted out, new purchases had been made, inventory was duplicated, and everything was a mess. The cost overrun is high enough that Bernice wants Europa to pick up half the bill. Every time she sees Europa, she gets a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach because Europa is her friend, and she hates the idea of bringing up the topic. So instead, she comes into my office and tells me, corners Melvin in the stockroom and tells him, discusses it with her friends outside work, and pretty much hashes over the situation with everyone except Europa.
Sound familiar? As far as I can tell, the number one strategy people have for having difficult conversations with each other is avoiding the conversation altogether. What happens when you avoid having a difficult conversation? As far as I can tell, it almost always makes things even more difficult. For example, my friend, Ashley, was in a long-term relationship that came to an abrupt end when the significant other, who we’ll call “Evil Shmoopie” for short, announced out of the blue that they were breaking up. What multiplied the trauma for poor Ashley is that Evil Shmoopie had said during multiple recent relationship discussions, that the relationship was fine and that long-term was the way to go. So not only did Ashley not see this coming, but Evil Shmoopie also turbo-charged the missile before firing it. When you’re old and wise like me, you’ve been on both sides of that particular missile (wait… how many sides does a missile have?).
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Their Story Is Probably Different from Yours
I don’t know Evil Shmoopie, but I’m willing to bet that this wasn’t a horrible, evil deception intended to stab Ashley in the heart and create a lifelong distrust of love and rejection of intimacy. I’ll bet Evil Shmoopie was actually thinking something like this: “I don’t want to be together with Ashley romantically, but I still care deeply. I really, really don’t want to do anything that would be hurtful to such a wonderful person. Admitting I don’t want to be together any more would be hurtful, so instead, I’ll lie and say everything is fine.” Was Evil Shmoopie deceptive? Yes. But only because they didn’t know how to have a difficult conversation with Ash. Avoiding the difficult conversation was intended to spare Ashley’s feelings, but instead, it made the ultimate breakup far more painful. (And by the way, if Evil Shmoopie is listening, I expect you to pick up the bill for Ashley’s therapy, just as Bernice expects Europa to help cover her mistake.)
The Right Approach Makes Difficult Conversations Easy
The book Difficult Conversations by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen lays out a simple, but powerful framework for approaching difficult conversations. Each conversation, you see, is really three conversations. It’s a conversation about facts, a conversation about feelings, and a conversation about identity. When you’re going into a difficult conversation, get those three conversations clear in your mind, and use them to help resolve things with the other person. Everyone has their own story. The problem isn’t your story or their story. The problem is the difference between the stories. That difference can arise in any of the three conversations.
Differences Can Be About Facts
The first conversation is about the objective facts of the situation. Without a mutual understanding of facts, the rest of the conversation will fall apart. Want proof? Look to politics.
Bernice’s first step is to sit down with Europa, find out Europa’s story, and share her own, without judgment. “Purchase orders for seeds were supposed to be submitted for store 1, but it was submitted for store 2 instead. While we were untangling that mistake, a duplicate order was submitted. Does that match what happened as you experienced it?” There’s no judgment here—just a review of the facts. Europa might say, “The requests from inventory showed that store 2 seed stock was low. So the purchase order for seeds should have been submitted for store 2, as was done.”
Reviewing the facts together can uncover factors that make it clear the feared issue is just an illusion in the first place.
The problem is the difference between the stories.
Differences Can Be About Feelings
The conversational elephant in the room that no one is talking about is feelings. Unsurfaced feelings can leak out and throw our conversations into chaos. Surface your feelings in the conversation, and listen to the other person’s feelings, so you can discuss them. “I’m feeling really frustrated that we had to spend double the money on seeds. I’m angry, and also scared of the financial consequences.”
Make sure to describe feelings only, and not judgments. You can feel “angry,” “hurt,” or “scared.” Those are feelings. You can’t feel “betrayed” or “attacked”; those are interpretations based on feelings. The interpretation is “betrayed,” but the underlying feel might be “anger” or “fear.”
Differences Can Be About Identity
The biggest gotchas in difficult conversations are when our identities get involved. When core beliefs about who we are get challenged, we get defensive, fast. The same goes for the person you’re talking to. The remarks may be explicit, “You’re an incompetent poopy-head,” or implicit. They say, “I don’t like the font,” and you hear it as if they said, “You’re an incompetent poopy-head.”
Three identity hot buttons are threats to your competence, your status as a good person, and your worthiness. There’s no magic bullet for defusing identity conflict, but before you enter the discussion, re-ground yourself by recognizing: that you may be competent and still make mistakes; you are basically good, but your intentions are complex; and you have contributed to the situation, whatever it is. Then, if you feel your hackles starting to rise, notice if it’s an identity issue being threatened, and if so, take a deep breath and calm down.
Start with Identity
Start with your identity issues. That’s where Bernice is starting. She’s about to go talk to Europa. She’s starting with identity, reminding herself that she’s a good person, she’s pretty competent, and she’s worthy. She’s also reminding herself that Europa is a good person, pretty competent, and worthy. She’ll begin by listening and seeking to understand. Then she’ll share feelings and facts, and move into problem solving. “Europa, could we talk about the seed situation? I’d like to understand it from your perspective…” And they’re off.
This is Stever Robbins. Follow GetItDoneGuy on Twitter and Facebook. I help people create extraordinary lives. If you want to know more, visit Stever Robbins.
Work Less, Do More, and have a Great Life!
Annoyed nerd man with black glasses and Close-up and mother and daughter having heart to heart courtesy of Shutterstock
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About the Author
Stever Robbins was the host of the podcast Get-it-Done Guy from 2007 to 2019. He is a graduate of W. Edward Deming’s Total Quality Management training program and a Certified Master Trainer Elite of NLP. He holds an MBA from the Harvard Business School and a BS in Computer Sciences from MIT.
