How to Kick Your “Yes, but…”
This stealthy communication killer creeps into our day-to-day conversations, damaging our relationships and making it hard to get things done. Learn how to escape the “yes, but…” loop.
Lisa B. Marshall
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How to Kick Your “Yes, but…”
Today I’m going to cover one of the most reliable ways to get an argument going. It’s a stealthy killer phrase that creeps into our day-to-day conversations damaging our relationships and making it hard to get things done.
What is the verbal bad habit that I am referring to? It’s the “yes, but…”
For example: “I want to invest in real estate, but I just don’t have the time for it,” or “I agree it’s a great idea, but we don’t have the budget to make it happen.”
Unfortunately, once a “yes, but…” is spoken, the typical response is yet another “yes, but…” As in: “I understand we don’t have budget, but by implementing this idea it will pay for itself.” And so on.
I like to describe the “Yes, but” effect as inevitable flapping back and forth, like a fish out of water. And like the fish, the longer the situation continues the worse it becomes for everyone.
A “Yes, but…” Example
Last week I was in the orthodontist’s office with my daughter and we sat in the waiting area for quite some time. Eventually someone came out from the back rooms and told us, “Oh, you were supposed to go right back. We’ve been waiting for you.”
I complained to the woman that we had never been told previously (or at any time during this visit) that we were supposed to go to the back on our own. The orthodontist overheard me and came over. He said, “Oh, I’m sorry that happened, but that is unusual. We send out customer service surveys and most people says that they have a good experience. I’m not sure what happened with you. I know that my front desk people know what to do.”
Did you hear the two “yes, buts…” in his response? Although I knew the right way to respond, I was under stress and fell into the trap by responding with my own, “Yes, but…”
I said: “That may be true, but last time we were here we had other issues with your customer service…” As you might expect, the conversation escalated with me getting more and more agitated.
Why does that happen? Why does a volley of “yes, butting…” get us so worked up? This type of a response sends a mixed message that is difficult for our brains to process. Although we hear yes and no at the same time, we tend to focus on the second half, dismissing anything that comes before the “but.” Of course, it’s the second part that fuels conflict.
“Yes, but…” at Work
Organizations spend hours in unproductive meetings trying to make a decision, stuck in endless cycles of “Yes, but…”
Does this sound familiar?
Person A: “We need to do XYZ project immediately.”
Person B: “Yes, but we don’t have the resources for it right now.”
Person A: “Yes, but if we were to do XYZ project, that would drive more revenue.”
Person B: “Agreed, but it will be impossible to justify any additional resources at this time.”
And so on, and on, and on…
How to Short-Circuit the “Yes, but…” Effect
So, what’s the solution? How do you short-circuit this process and create a better outcome? How do you kick your “yes, but…” to the curb? The solution is easier than you might think.
Step #1: Become Aware
First, you’ll need to become aware that you are in fact stuck or about to be stuck in a “yes, but…” loop. Then, once you’ve identified it, instead of responding with yet another round of “yes but….” respond by expressing common ground or stating what you agree on. Think of it as cooperative problem solving. Just ask yourself, “What do we both agree on?”
Step #2: Make Cooperative Statements
In my situation with the orthodontist, for example, I could have responded by saying, “It’s clear we both agree that customer service is important. We both would like for me to have a good experiences when I’m here.” That likely would have pleasantly ended the conversation.
But let’s say this was something work related and I was truly interested in influencing a change. In that case, I can’t stop the conversation there. I need to advance the conversation with additional cooperative statements. “I can see that you pride yourself on your patients’ positive experience in this office. I also notice that you have created many unique processes to ensure that happens.”
Notice, I shared 3 cooperative statements in total. That’s the minimum number of cooperative statements required for the process to work. With 3, you can see the other person’s point of view and your thinking begins to shift. From the receiver’s side, he or she needs several statements to believe that you understand their point of view before they can begin to shift and relax into the conversation.
But what if you just can’t think of any cooperative statements? Sometimes it’s difficult to create a cooperative statement in the heat of the moment or because you are at such opposite extremes. In this case, you can skip the cooperative statements and move instead directly to the last step.
Step #3: Explore the Problem Through Open-Ended Questions
In the final step of the kick the “Yes, but…” process you return back to the problem by exploring it together. The way you do that is with an open-ended question that invites discussion. “What do you think caused the communication breakdown this time?” The point of the open–ended question is to invite the other person to consider the issue with you. It’s not combative; it’s cooperative.
So the next time you’re faced with a “yes, but…” situation, give this process a try. It’ simple: Notice the “yes, buts…” around you (now that you’ve read this episode, you’ll hear them everywhere!) Next, make cooperative statements. Keep making cooperative statements until you notice a change in the body language of your conversation partner. At that point, ask your open-ended question. I guarantee you’ll be amazed at how well this works.
Are you ready to kick your “yes, but…”?
This is Lisa B. Marshall, The Public Speaker, passionate about communication, your success is my business. This episode is based on the System for Analyzing Verbal Interaction developed in 1965 by Anita Simon and Yvonne Agazarian and has been used for over 40 years to help couples and organizations improve conversations.
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About the Author
Lisa B. Marshall Lisa holds masters with duel degrees in interpersonal/intercultural communication and organizational communication. She’s the author of Smart Talk: The Public Speaker’s Guide to Success in Every Situation, as well as Ace Your Interview, Powerful Presenter, and Expert Presenter. Her work has been featured in CBS Money Watch, Ragan.com, Woman’s Day, Glamour, Cosmopolitan, and many others. Her institutional clients include Johns Hopkins Medicine, Harvard University, NY Academy of Science, University of Pennsylvania, Genentech, and Roche.