How to Make Sure Your Kids Don’t Push Your Buttons

You’re out in public and it happens. Your stomach gets tight and twists into a pretzel knot. Your cheeks get flushed, and then turn flaming red. Your brow starts to sweat, your temple throbs, and by the time you’re clenching your fists, you realize it’s happening all over again—your loving child is once again pushing your buttons!

Not again, you tell yourself. You thought you had everything under control. That awesome pep talk you recently gave yourself is still ringing fresh in your mind, but even so—your little darling has once again manipulated you and now you are losing control and having a mini breakdown—in front of your child.

Kids push our buttons for various reasons.  They might be trying to get back at us for something we did such as telling them “no” they couldn’t go play at their friend’s house because they didn’t get their homework assignment done the day before.  Or they could simply be trying to get our attention and they know they can surely do that if they pester us and get us worked up.

Kids are born button-pushers. Even the most well behaved kids have the ability to get their parents worked up—even the sweet and loving ones.  When this happens, most of us tend to get to our breaking point and explode back at our kids. The other common result is we eventually give in. They wear us down so much we just cave. While both of those might be the easier approach, in the long run you will make life a lot better for your entire family if you don’t give in and keep your composure.

Mighty Mommy has been there, done that with her own eight kids, so here are seven tips to help keep your calm on and not fall into that same old button-pushing trap.

Tip #1:  Know Why Your Kids Like to Make You Upset

It’s totally natural when your loving cherubs want to make you upset. One tried and true reason is that by aggravating you, they feel like they have some control. Even if they are sent to their room or given a time out, the pleasure of seeing you lose it and fall apart is secretly gratifying to them. It might be back talk, or constant complaining or eye-rolling, but whatever the behavior, nearly every parent will occasionally lose their temper with their kids—I know I sure have. 

So it’s important to remember that every parent or caregiver will have their buttons pushed on occasion, or even a lot, and sometimes it’s just a habit that your child has formed, and truthfully, it’s happened because we parents allow it to. Hey, we’re all human, both parent and child, so don’t feel isolated like it’s only happening in your family because it’s not—it’s completely normal.  See Also:  8 Tips For Dealing with a Defiant Child

Tip #2:  Pre-Plan Your Strategy

The best time to become equipped with the tools to dismantle your little button pusher is when everything is going well. While you are calm, think rationally about what caused your child to go into button-pushing mode in the first place. Figure out if there is a way for you to hand over some power to her, which is usually offering her some choices so she feels she has some control. For example, when my daughter was in elementary school she would always get off the bus and run into the house asking for playdates—every single day! I had four other smaller children at the time and there was no way I could run her around town to play after school. It got to the point that the minute I saw that big yellow bus roll into our neighborhood, I would practically hyperventilate. Once I finally realized the pattern and how I was being played each day, I came up with a new strategy. When she got off the bus, I had a couple of activity options for her to choose from. No, she didn’t think this was great for the first couple of weeks, but once she realized I wasn’t going to lose my cool and challenge her, she finally started accepting one of the options.  Eventually, she got off that bus and didn’t say “boo” about a play date!

Tip #3:  Have a Plan B

Even the best-laid intentions go awry. Once you think about why your kids yank your chain and then pre-plan how you’ll handle things while you’re feeling calm and peaceful, you need to have a back-up plan (Life’s all about Plan B after all!) about how you’ll cope if your initial strategy doesn’t pan out. This is really like playing “Devil’s Advocate.” For instance, if you’re going to talk to your child about something emotional like a curfew or taking away privileges for not doing homework, be prepared for when that child doesn’t react the way you want them to. Already know in your mind what you’re going to say or do. There are two ways to go about this: one is to calmly say to your child, “I have to talk to you about something important, let’s meet in the family room in 20 minutes, and I don’t want this to turn into a fight.” This gives your child time to prepare for the discussion. Also, during that time, you can decide what you’re going to do if your child starts to argue. The most obvious thing is to tell the child, “I don’t want to be talked to this way. I don’t like being treated like that,” and then leave the room. When you walk away, you take your power with you!  Parents who are mentally prepared for how they’re going to act when children react have a much greater chance of not losing their temper. See Also:  How to Stop Yelling at Your Kids

Tip #4:  Learn How to Self-Soothe

When we’re talking about parents calming down, we’re talking about them ‘self-soothing.’

One of the best tips I ever received was from our pediatrician. She very matter-of-factly stated to me, “Cheryl, when life’s got you down, you have one person you can count on—and that’s you!” When we’re talking about parents calming down, we’re talking about them “self-soothing.” In other words, they soothe themselves by managing their own thoughts, not by controlling the environment around them. So when your child is challenging your authority, what you are thinking will be critical to how you will respond.  So don’t go off the deep end and think that your kid’s behavior isn’t fair.  Instead talk to yourself: “I know my kid is pushing my buttons for the 100th time but I’m not alone—lots of other parents have gone through this too. I can handle this! This is not a reflection of my parenting skills If you’re thinking, “This behavior isn’t fair, everybody thinks I’m a failed parent, other parents don’t go through this,” or are repeating some other self-defeating self-talk, things are sure to escalate. But when you’re thinking, “I can handle this. This is a child misbehaving, not a reflection of my parenting skills and this too will pass. I won’t overreact, this is just childish behavior, how can I best handle this, what does the child need from me now?” I used to have these conversations with myself, out loud when necessary, and you know what? It always worked!  My best advice after going through these moments with eight kids is to remove yourself from the turmoil, count to ten, and give yourself a pep talk.

Whatever’s going on, whatever your child is doing, losing your temper won’t help. It may feel good in the short term, because you feel powerful, but in the long run the child has learned an ineffective lesson about managing anxiety or conflict.

Tip #5:  Give the Child a Chance to Choose Better Behavior

If your child is having a meltdown and choosing poor behavior, don’t judge in and point out what he/she’s doing wrong.  Instead, try to relate to what is going on: “I see you’re very upset that you can’t play outside with your friends today. You do need to help me straighten out your bedroom, so once that’s done we can have a dish of ice cream and unwind for the evening and then you can text your friends or hang out quietly with some TV.” This will instantly give them feedback on the results they get from positive behavior.

Tip #6:  Consistency Is Key

If you give in once, you open the door for more. It’s hard short-term to stand your ground, but if you don’t, you’ll make it ten times harder for yourself as the kids learn that if they persist, they will win in the end. So stand your ground and remain consistent—no matter what!

Tip #7:  Make Regular Dates with Your Child

If you want to create some positive momentum with your child, try to set up regular dates with him/her. It doesn’t have to be anything elaborate. Take the time to connect by setting aside an hour or so every few weeks just for you and your child. Go out for ice cream, a trip to the library, or just some one-on-one time at home where the two of you do nothing but spend time alone. You will be amazed at how less often they go into button-pushing mode!

How do you control your emotions when your kids push your buttons?  Share your thoughts in the comments section at quickanddirtytips.com/mighty-mommy, post your ideas on the Mighty Mommy Facebook page. or email me at mommy@quickanddirtytips.com. Visit my family-friendly boards at Pinterest.com/MightyMommyQDT.

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