How to Outtalk an Over-Talker
Over talkers use ego and arrogance to bully a conversation their way. Fight back with wit, humor, and, of course, manners.
Richie Frieman
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How to Outtalk an Over-Talker
You’ve probably been in a situation where you find yourself thinking, “Why won’t this person stop talking? Seriously!” In many cases, you’ll add in an expletive there for good measure. From the rambler to the ego driven character, or just someone who likes to hear their own voice, over talkers can crush the mood of a conversation faster than Johnny Manziel can ruin ticket sales for Cleveland Football fans.
However, unlike Johnny Football trashing his rep as a role model with nightclub mishaps, you can salvage any conversation by out-talking an over talker with wit, charm, and, of course, manners. So before you shout, “SHUT THE —— UP!” take a breath, and check out my top three quick and dirty tips for how to properly outtalk an over-talker.
Tip #1: Handle the Rambler
The Rambler is by far the least offensive of the over talkers, because deep down, they mean well but have absolutely no idea how to properly carry a conversation. Despite their extreme naïveté to being boring, I’m still stocked that, as adults, a rambler has managed to make it this far in life and not have every single door shut on them. For example, an ex-coworker of mine became a manager, and could literally talk for 45 minutes without making one true, valid point. It wasn’t even several points, twisted into a long-winded speech, where they just get excited and don’t want to end the conversation. This person would dance around, like a pirate’s prisoner begging for their life, before walking off the plank. We all found it super annoying, highly improper and grossly unprofessional. Yet regardless of the anomaly that he was—having made manager while being completely inept—being a rambler will 99.9% of the time take away any credibility you had built up. It makes you look/sound nervous, unsure, and as if you are purposely trying to isolate the conversation.
Like I did with my rambling colleague, he had a reputation for doing this time and time again, so we—as a staff—kept an eye out to anticipate the ramble before it arrived. See, we all knew that as soon as his mouth opened, we were in for a world of mind numbing, one-way conversation with no end in sight. But knowing this fact saved us even more torture. To counter his ramble, I/we would use words or phrases that were designed to derail the conversation and direct it into a more constructive route. Proper phrases like, “Speaking of that,” “Interesting, but what about this,” or “That reminds me of XYZ…” would help. Using phrases like this allows you to interject your thoughts into a conversation with a rambler without making it appear as if you’re trying to take it over(even though you are). Ramblers need to be stopped, however, sometimes they just need some friendly guidance.
Tip #2: Master the Point Maker
Have you every had a conversation with someone who, before starting their rant, adds a disclaimer like, “Wait, let me make my point first”? What they’re really saying is, “Grab a drink, and have a seat because this is going to be a while.” Meet the Point Maker. This rude beast doesn’t have discussions; they have monologues. They don’t care if you get to make your point, or have your time on the docket at all. They have their own agenda. In some some bizarre twist of manners, they actually think that by stating they want to “make a point,” they’re being kind. I had an altercation with a Point Maker who seriously told me, “Let me say my side and then you can go,” rather than saying, “OK, we disagree, let’s discuss.” Folks, if you can’t make your point through healthy conversation going back and forth, then you have no valid point at all. It’s just a case of barking loud enough to scare people away. Oh, how I deeply loathe the Point Maker. Here’s a point worth making; you’re rude, improper, and use bully tactics to get your way … and it’s time to change that.
When dealing with the Point Maker, you have understand that it’s a battle of egos and with that you can’t take it personal. Now, everyone has an ego—to some degree—but the Point Maker has an ego so grand, so intense, that they fall in line with the likes of Floyd Mayweather or Donald Trump. Two very, very proper individuals (said no one ever). But having to be a part of this type of conversation with unmannerly proportions, you have to address this discussion like a battle. Always remember your manners, and don’t drop to their level. Instead, use wit and humor to defuse their bubble of rudeness. After all, nothing bursts an ego faster than a witty zinger. Knowing they’ll insist on going first, offer up the idea of, “OK, I’ll let you talk but you have to let me go in two minutes. I’ll set a timer on my phone.” They’ll argue that too, so as they’re talking step in with, “Hey let me know when you’re done, I’m going to go cook a turkey to kill time.” Hit them with, “Since this is clearly a one-sided discussion, I’m just going to check my Facebook page while you rant.” As well, stab at their ego even more, “FYI, the louder you get doesn’t convince me you’re right.” Here, you are not being rude—rather you’re fighting fair and that’s the only way to defeat them … until you finally get a chance to talk. Point Makers may have a point, but their arrogance will always get in the way.
Tip #3: Guide the Storyteller
Similar to the over talker in Tip #1, the Storyteller isn’t exactly a harmless character per se—that is, unless you consider their ability to make time feel beyond torturous. Like my improper coworker who rambled incoherently about nothing, the Storyteller tends to have the skill to get to a point across—they just enjoy creating a better picture for it. As a writer and storyteller myself, I get it; after all, one of the reasons I became a writer is to share my stories with others, however (and this is a BIG however), when you use the storyteller mentality to dominate and overtake a conversation, it shows a lack of respect for other people’s time. That fact alone, regardless of how poetic you are with your words, will always make people around you lose interest in what you have to say. So, to the storyteller, I applaud your efforts… but unless you’re giving a sermon, a commencement speech, or are an actual paid public speaker, air on the side of brevity when trying to make a clear cut point. And for those that have to tolerate the storyteller, have no fear: we can work together to wrap up the show for them.
At award shows, the person accepting an award may often say, “OK, I see the red light is blinking, so that means I have to stop talking.” It’s a way for the producer to kindly say, “STOP TALKING!” This same idea should be considered when trying to handle the storyteller. For example, if you have a storyteller in your office, work on becoming their confidant, someone similar to a producer. Prep them with, “OK, Gary, we have about thirty minutes for the meeting, with four topics to cover. How about you start off with a good eight minutes and then I’ll hop in. I’ll give you a signal as we get to the two minute mark.” This way you won’t be pointing out how annoying they are, but rather explaining there is a time limit and how it’s proper to stick to it. It’s all about an agenda and you have to allow others a chance.
On the flip side, when it comes to a friend, take the award ceremony’s approach and act as that blinking light. Gently step in, stop them when you feel it’s going down a long and winding road by saying, “Wow, that’s a great story. It reminds of a similar time when …” and take over. It’s not improper to “cut” someone off who knowingly doesn’t want others to speak. The key is to gauge the situation and then tactfully interject.
As always, if you have another manners question, I look forward to hearing from you at manners@quickanddirtytips.comcreate new email. Follow me on Twitter @MannersQDT, and of course, check back next week for more Modern Manners Guy tips for a more polite life.
Do you have any recent graduates in your circle, or perhaps someone who is looking to start a new career, check out my new book, Reply All…And Other Ways to Tank Your Career, for great tips and advice on job success. It’s available now!